Misery breaks for apathy,
As dwindling strings fray to nothing.
I sit, motionless, encouraging atrophy,
The desire o'ergrowing for an ending.
Twenty three long years amount to nought,
A botched birthing the height of success,
Even to the eye of astronomers who sought
To catalogue ev'ry star despite any duress
Have long since stopped scouring the sky;
My light was fading too long ago.
Opportunity is there, albeit twice shy,
But there's simply no interest to follow.
My life has been one of selfishness, sin,
Now isolation comes baring its toll.
That lifeforce that balanced on a rusted pin
Has resigned itself to topple and fall.

It's a lot of words to say one thing,
Empty drivel of a life unlived through,
But to shout the truth till I hear angels sing?
That's the one act I simply could never do.

It shakes beneath me
Crumbling
Aging
Decaying
But I climb ever higher

A void sits above me
Open
Dark
Empty
But I climb ever higher

The weight on my back
Heavy
Significant
Important
But I climb ever higher

I must
Because you can't make this journey anymore

You tried to scam me
With fake certification,
But I saw through you

Your desperate threats,
Spiralling legality,
All clearly nonsense

I'm a bad target,
Never that easy to fool;
Too big brain for you.

Pains of yesterday
Sifting through my own old life
Seizes me today

A mark of progress
The tensions holding me here
Aches and pains show growth

Perhaps before this
I could not see the forest
So life was empty

Appreciation
I was devoid of it all
Life was passing by

So I'm grabbing it
Enjoying the air, the breeze
I will live my life

Tears are falling
pit pat
pit pat
A single thought, uttered
From a dark place, unwanted
pit pat
pit pat
Violent, harsh, and completely unmeant
A brutal call from the void
pit pat
pit pat
I hope you can forgive me
I understand if you can't

Man in my mirror
Your presence makes me feel sick
I wish you'd leave me

Man in my mirror
Why must you stare at me so?
All I want is me

Man in my mirror
I just can't shake the feeling
You're here forever

Man in my mirror
I despise your existence
Even though it's mine

Man in my mirror
Ev'ry hair on your body
Makes me hate it all

Man in my mirror
Stop tempting me to end it
I fear my own hand

Man in my mirror
You would choose to end my life?
You've pushed me too far

Man in my mirror
Clutching a bloodied knife close
I have to do it

You left me no choice
I've been abandoned by all
I will **** this man

I've looked back over the last month or two.
Read everything I thought to put down.
Sometimes I hype too much about the little stuff,
Or go into too much detail about things being rough
And the metaphors? I really went to town.
But reading it all, I bore a smile too.

Because I can see me getting better.

I crave that touch, akin to ice,
Prickling skin to skin, yours against mine,
The wind threatening to entice
As it blows past my hairline;

It carries your voice like an echo,
Akin more to souls upon the hills
Than this ghost that makes my heart beat so,
Compelling me to strengthen my wills.

But the dead must stay dead
And I cannot restore the soul I've shed

I just want it gone
I want it removed from me
I just want it gone

It torments me so
This monster between my legs
But this is our life

I'm yours forever
No matter how much I cry
You'll never leave me

I just want you gone
But life has other designs
Designs of hatred

As long as I've breath in my lung,
I'll continue putting this pen to page.
Until my final word is sung,
I'll break down my metaphorical cage.

Even if it's small right now.
It'll keep me grounded.

Before me I see
A thousand broken mirrors
Each cracked like the last
Lying about the past
Trysts between sinners
And who I'm supposed to be

What is the real me?
This glass embedded with us
Severing, severing, my mind chaste
The fragments of instance long past
The fears and needs inside us
And none of it is free

In shards of glass, bend my knee
Drink the blood of a thousand dinners
Flowing down my leg, fast
With the revolution at my gate, amassed
Martyrs and sycophants and killers
All in all, one by one, wish to see



Which broken mirror reflects the truth

I am an artist, I am in love with love.
These rapturous prisons I can't dispose of
Have captured my heart, my mind, my pen,
For years upon years, but what happens when
I finally find one who feels that for me?
When metaphor comes real and all I see
Is the glint in the eyes of one who matters most?
Will she calm my thoughts, as the ghost
Of all my muses are laid to rest at last?
Or will she push me further, further past
The rhetoric of beauty and joy I've written of oft
as she continuously raises my heart aloft?

I'd like to know
But I never can
Who could capture my heart?
I'm an artist.
I'm in love with love.

Here's to the ******* who'd ruin my life
Who's filled every moment of existence with strife
I'm sorry I'm not the child you wanted me to be
Sorry I couldn't live the way you wanted to see
Though that wouldn't be enough, would it?
If I was straight, cis, sporty and ****?
You wouldn't give a **** about me
Cause I still couldn't make your life so easy and free
You never wanted a child, just an excuse
To abandon the family that'd worn out it's use
They hate me too, but I can't really blame them
Their hate stems from this monster of men
As we celebrate I bolster the thought
Of when I can drop you in a hole and leave you to rot
Because maybe then I can be who I am
Without your input that my life is a sham
And maybe then, when you can't speak a word
Maybe then I can finally be assured
That my life really matters
Because you won't be there to tear every aspect of my being and every hope that I've had for life and love and family to tatters

Yet the yearning in my heart desires more

This path is immeasurable,
Far too long for my eye.
But I've walked for enough now
That I've left the path behind.

Charting waters of art is scary,
Especially on a timeline I can't vary
But hey.
We're this far.
How about I say
I'll keep chasing this star?

I mean why not? Can't get any worse.

A simple task.
A thousand repetitions.
I know it like the back of my hand.
Perhaps that's why it's a comfort.
Again and again,
Assurance that I know one thing.
Unscrewing, rescrewing,
My yellow wire to keep me grounded.

All my screwdrivers are insulated.

How did it come to be
Parapets upon walls atop a fort of stone
Encased, deep, in the heart of hate
And cold
Cold
Cold
It's all that remains here
Common sense and mere
Logic betrayed by worthless fear
Of an enemy that would not rear
It's head again, for eternity.

If they can forgive
Why can't we?

I have slept all day
Life has failed to maintain me
I am way too tired

Around and around I relive this life
Sometimes as your best friend,
More often as your wife,
And we cycle round without end.

Around and around I climb that hill,
Where I first found you lost, afraid, and alone,
Cradling the empty heart I intend to fill
With joy and acceptance as you have my own.

Around and around you move on again,
To live beyond the world I can see through my screen,
But I won't let your absence cause me pain;
I'll see you again through this computing machine.

I find myself lost within thoughts of your smile,
Though such a thing is still lost to me.
You have form in my mind, but no feature.

This should make me fear
Yet absolutely nothing
Is all I can feel.

The world fades for just a moment,
A single instant with nothing afore me.
This is different from normal, that's clear.
Not the sudden loss of time I fear
Will set the anxieties of she
Who could never read my intent.

Yet gazing into my reflection,
My eyes see once again,
I return exactly where I left.
This time, I'm not bereft
Of what is torn in twain
From my perception.

This time was different,
Though as exactly why,
I'm ignorant.
But I won't let my mind die.

Once more upon the breach, I suppose;
I find my hatred surging in me,
Vitriol and spittle no longer in repose
And the demon they call us set free.
For every step forward we take
We seem destined an eternal fall back,
Everything that made me better, fake,
And I find forgiveness is something I lack.
They call us a thousand awful things,
Each shouted from behind a mirror, cracked.
In delight, this murderous mob sings
Of the **** and ****** they felt they lacked
Yet they refuse to take their own blame.
Better it be us they mark and defame,
To further justify keeping hell the same
And keeping it under the same old name.
My family is large, aflood with those
Across the seas that feel this pain
More closely than I do. For now.
But that family's time is close,
Each one's worth now torn in twain
As their killers prepare to endow
Their nepotistic filth with all
That we used to call our own.
Freedom to be, locked behind this wall
Of bitterness and revenge you've sown.

My family will fight to live.
I will fight to live.