Too old to be a child
Too young for adulthood
Society's no man's land
and yet here I stand

Sometimes you feel
like a secret.
Everyone knew
But
Everyone forgot.
And you live in my memory
and you glow in my memory
and you shine in my memory
and I hate that you won't disappear

I have reached the
Point
In the semester
Where
I really don't care
Anymore
But my need to be
Liked
And future career
Demand
That I keep moving
Forward

When can I sleep?
When the sun comes up.
When can I rest?
When the stars fade out.
When can I relax?
When the world starts again.

I put off homework,
I put off meals,
I put off talking,
I put off chores,
I put off love,
I put off life.
I think
I'll do it tomorrow.

There's too many people
Who care too little
And too many people
Who "care" too much
We need more people
Who care just enough

Who say hello on the street
Who hold open doors
Who smile across counters
Who let you pet their dog

I don't regret it
Being with you
My first best friend
My first girl crush
Well that's a lie
The first girl crush
I allowed myself
To acknowledge
Was you.
You scared me more
Than anyone before you
I lived on edge for months  
I don't regret the
Music we shared
And the times
We cried
And the times we
Laughed
And the times when I was too scared to sleep because I thought I'd wake up to you having gone.
I don't regret loving you
Even though it hurts
Now
And I hope you know
That I still care.
I will always care
I think.

Closet Monster hides with shoes
Under jackets
Next to dresses
Twiddling thumbs and waiting
With a patience I am both scared and proud of.
"When?"
"Soon."
Close the door, take a breath, open eyes, relax.
The closet monster has your back, the closet monster knows how hard it is.
It waits and waits and when it's freed, the joy is unreachable.

Into the mirror I whisper
Grinning with the joy I sing  
The quiet reassurance
That nothing else can bring.

I grin because today
I look the part I play
I could pass as queer, I think
Just passably "a gay".

I smile and straighten my shoulders
(The only thing that's straight)
I let myself relax and smile
I think I was worth the wait.

We're made up of space dust
Does that make us stars?
Twinkling and glowing
And shining and growing
And someday imploding
In what used to be ours

Imagine being straight
What would that entail?

"I like men and boys and dudes.
I don't worry about stupid things
Like rainbow buttons
Or saying something wrong.
I flirt I float I know who I like
I know who will like me"

I can't imagine the certainty
I can't imagine the confines
I am not straight
And I'm happy with that.

"Is it straight?"
Don't say it don't joke
But what a way to come out!
(Guess what, I'm not!)
I wish I was brave
Could joke with ease
"Make sure it's straight"
I tried, but it only lasted a few years
Now I'm a raging bisexual
With 18 years of gay jokes
Waiting to come out
Ha. Come out.

Maybe I don't know who I love
Maybe I won't know for sure
Maybe I'm not supposed to know
And maybe that's okay.
Because maybe I love a boy
Because maybe I love a girl
Because maybe I love both
And maybe that's okay.

I'm in love with so many things
And people and feelings
And thoughts
And words
Maybe
I don't know
Yet who or what
I love and maybe it really
Doesn't matter because I love
Who I am and who I want to be and
I think that's enough.