Love is a fickle thing
I wish and dream
But it will always be the same
I’ll always be someone’s second choice

I fight against the depression
That this life brings
Yet the only way I can fight
Is with you by my side

You drown the voices
Keeping them from the surface
With your joyous laugh
And your goofy personality

Being near you
I rarely ever feel sad
But when you leave
It hits me like a tidal wave

I crawl into a corner
Begging and crying
For just one chance
To be the one you love

But I know it won’t help
There’s no way I’ll be
The first choice
Of your heart

My heart craves you
My soul craves you
My whole being craves you
But you don’t crave me

I’m alone forever
And I understand this
But I don’t want it to be true
All I need is you

But no matter what I do
No matter how much I want it
I’ll never be what I want
The first choice

I’m not even in the running
I’m not even thought of that way
Yet I crave to be
The first choice

But it’s all for nothing
I will only be viewed as a friend
I’ll never be what you are to me
The first choice

I’ve been thinking about it
And I’m starting to question
Am I only worthy of a ****
Am I unworthy of love

These past few months
I’ve tried putting my heart out
Only for it to be returned to me
With more dents and scratches

My heart burns hot
Fast and strong
Yet with every return
It gets doused with rejection

I am truly unworthy
I don’t deserve love
I don’t deserve compassion
I don’t deserve partnership

I will be alone forever
Destined to walk life’s narrow path
With no one by my side
And I’m starting to accept this

Time and time again
I try so hard to care for others
But lately the feelings
Are starting to disappear

Crying into my pillow
I beg the gods for an answer
Why must I be good at so many things
But when it comes to companionship I fail

Although I won’t get an answer
I continue to do this every night
Wondering what is wrong with me
Why am I so broken

After all that I have done
After all that I have wished
It will never happen
So I’ll just let it be

What’s the point
What’s the point of confessing
What’s the point of being open
What’s the point of letting people in

I’ve started to question
Why I even bother trying
Letting people in my head
Just to be let down and forgotten

What’s the point of caring
When all you get in return
Is a cold shoulder
Or completely ignored

What’s the point of attraction
If all it leads to is suffering
What’s the point of it all
When you will just be tossed aside

What’s the point
Of wearing your heart on your sleeve
When all that will happen
Is it being tossed into the dirt

Crushed under the weight of abandonment
Lost in the waves of forgotten-ness
Possessed by the need to be seen
Yet forever be ignored by the one who holds it

It doesn’t matter anymore
But it still hurts badly
I have **** off my emotions
But the damage has already been done

Shattered remains of a once caring heart
Lay broken across this scarred flesh
A reminder that caring for another
Will only lead to pain and anguish

So from now on
I will no longer care
I will no longer fight
I will no longer love

I will keep to myself
I will seal off my heart
No one deserves it
Not anymore

Thoughts racing inside my mind
Wishing you were here to help calm the tide
Though how could you possibly know
What I’m feeling so deep inside

I toss and I turn
Laying awake at night
Feeling so helpless
Just wishing I had the might

To tell you how I feel
To tell you how much I care
To tell you that I’m here for you
But sadly I do not dare

These thoughts inside my head
They wish to come out
To express what’s in my heart
To tell you what I’m all about

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

When I message I barely get a response
And I start to worry if I did something wrong
My tears are starting to stain my cheeks
As I curl up in a ball listening to this song

I want to talk to you about so much
To laugh and cry and joke around
To feel like I matter once again
But it seems that I’m only home bound

So I lie here writing this song
Wishing I could tell you so much
How I miss the fun we had
And how I feel the feel of your touch

But I digress and go inward
Afraid of what you might say or do
I’ve barely spoken to you as of late
And I wonder if it all fell through

I curl up tight in a ball
And cry my tears till they don’t fall
I try my best to give you space
But the more I do I feel out of place

I want your hand intertwined with mine
As I stare into those gorgeous eyes
Caress your face and hold you tight
So you know that I’ll keep you safe

This life has had its ups and downs
Met lots of people
Both good and bad
But I feel it’s time for curtains call

I’ve loved and I’ve lost
I’ve sacrificed so much
But there’s only so much
That one can take

I hope that you will all forgive me
For what is about to happen next
Cause I can’t keep doing this
I can’t live with all this pain

I feel so broken
I feel all alone
I wish things were different
But it’s all too much to explain

So I leave you with this
I’m glad I met you all
Some more than others
And one most particular

I love each and every one of you
And I hope that you stay strong
Cause in the end I wasn’t
And that’s my greatest flaw

I bid you all farewell
And I hope to see you again
I’ll always hold onto
All the good times I’ve had

Thoughts racing
Frustration attacks
Fearing what I do
Have I done things wrong

Falling to my knees
I grip my head
Pressing with all my might
To try and stop it from destroying me

Over analyzing
Over thinking
Emotions going out of control
As I rock back and forth

Is everything I do so wrong
I can’t see how it’s not anymore
The pain my head inflicts
Driving me insane

Where is the peace of mind
Where is the harmony that I hear so much about
Where is the love for myself
Why must I be so broken

I start to scream
Trying to drown out the voices
Blasting music so loud
It can cause someone to go deaf

Yet I still hear the thoughts
Nagging my every move
Telling me all these lies
With so much negativity

Things like
You’ll never amount to anything
You aren’t worth anyone’s time
You annoy everyone you talk to

You don’t deserve happiness
You deserve this pain you’re in
You don’t have a right to feel special
You will never be enough

They all hate you
They find you repulsive
They don’t care about you
Why do you think they would ever love you

All these things
Everyday
All day
Breaking me apart bit by bit

Pushing me further and further
Into this pit of despair
Driving me to think
Maybe I’m better off alone

Maybe I’m better off away from everyone
Maybe I just annoy everyone I talk to
Maybe I am intruding on the people I care about
Maybe I’m not worth the air I breath

Am I even worthy of being loved
So many negative thoughts
Drowning out my own voice
Sending me into a state of disarray

Crying myself to sleep
Huddled in a corner
Fearing to even be seen
By those I call my family

Why am I so broken
Why must my head do this to me
What is happening to me
Do I even deserve to exist

There’s a voice inside my head
Screaming that it’s all worth it in the end
But my mind plays tricks
So I don’t know what to believe

Should I listen to the voice
Or should I listen to reason
On one hand my life will change for the better
The other my life will stay the same

But with these delusions that run wild
Causing mayhem upon my brain
Sending toxic visions
And destructive thoughts

I sit and I ponder
Is it really worth it
Or will I just fail
Like so many times before

I try so hard to connect
To you and ignore the terror
The terror inside my heart
That pushes me to think it will never work

I think silently to myself
Questioning why this is
Why does my head do these things
When all I know is I like you

I don’t like the paranoia
I don’t like the fear
It terrifies me beyond compare
To a state beyond repair

My eyes they only see you
My heart screams out for you
But in the end of the day
My head screams it can’t be true

I try to run and hide
From all these thought inside
Screaming delusions and spreading fear
Cause all I want is to be with you

I run and run
Tripping over myself
Shielding my eyes from the visions
Of you wanting someone else

I fall and cry
Screaming for someone to help
Wishing my head would stop filling with lies
Stop filling with terrifying fantasies

And yet it doesn’t stop
Screaming and cowering
Clutching my head between my knees
I burst into tears begging why

Why can’t I trust
Why can’t I have faith
Why must my head do this
Why must I feel so alone

All I want is your reassurance
Yet I can’t even get that
Because I’m too afraid to tell you
About what’s really going on inside