There's a reason I'm an introvert
Why I try so hard to fit in
Why I hate discrimination
Reason I'm so adaptable

I never feel like I'm good enough
I never feel like I'm worthy
Like I matter to anyone
That I'll ever belong

It took me a while
But I accept this now
It's part of who I am
It's a part of my mind

I'd like to think I'm not alone
That I have friends and love ones
That understand what is going on
Inside my head but the truth is

I'm alone
I try to explain
But it gets jumbled
It makes it more confusing

I end up alone
Surrounded by guilt and fear
Surrounded by the need to be accepted
To walk beside my friends

But the more I try
The worse it gets
The more I feel abandoned
The more I feel alone

Trapped behind walls
In which are too high to climb
Too thick to claw through
They surround me

Trapping me in a cell
Making it harder for others to get in
And making it harder for me to reach out
Cause even though I don't act it

Even though I make act otherwise
All I want is to be cared for
To be loved by someone
To be wanted

I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep
I'm tired of the night terrors waking me up at night

I'm tired of the fear
The anguish
The resentment
The need

Set me free from this cage
This prison cell that binds me
So that I may finally reach the sky
And be free at least once

Walk along this narrow path
And you might come to a surprise
For if you're lucky enough
You might find the meadows song

A meadow so peaceful
It's sure to be divine
Radiant beauty
None can deny

Across the wandering meadow
Sings a blue bird in joy
His life is filled with blissfulness
As he flies across the bright blue sky

Down on the ground
The rabbit plays
Seeking treats
That's buried below

The fox does hunt
But does not harm
For he is friends
With the meadows life

The trees sway softly
In the summer breeze
Dancing to this meadow's song
Giving shelter to the wild life

Grass grows high
The flowers wide
Full of colour
Like an artist's eye

Peace does bloom
In this meadow of dreams
Listen closely and you might hear
The meadows silent song

It hurts to have your heart broken
But when it’s your trust that’s broken
It can be years before you are strong enough
To trust someone else

My trust was broken a few months back
And now that I found another
In which I like so very much
The trust is effecting me

Delusions and hallucinations set in
Causing my mind to panic
I try so hard to push them away
But they keep getting worse

I’m reassured that I’m not a burden
That I’m attractive and liked
But at the same time
My thoughts run ramped

Maybe he’s lying
Maybe he’s talking to other people
Maybe he’s with someone already
Maybe he’s just using you

Maybe he’s seeing multiple people
Maybe he’s this
Maybe he’s that
Thoughts of mistrust running wild

I can’t sleep
I eat everything in sight
Or I don’t eat at all
I cry all the time

I see visions and delusions
Of me cooking him dinner
And someone else coming in
And kissing his cheek calling him babe

And I wonder
Is my head really this bad
Am I going to let the past ruin my future
But yet the hallucinations continue

Visions of him holding someone else
Visions of me saying just take me home
Visions of me breaking down and crying
Visions of me that I wish to unsee

Cause you see
I like this guy
So very much
But this mistrust

Has got to stop
It will eat me alive
And it’s not fair to him
To compare him with the past

I’m breaking down
My heart beats hurt
I can’t contain it for much longer
It just keeps building and building

The harder I push it down
The harder it pushes back
And I break down in tears
Bawling my eyes out

All I do is think about him
Even with music blasting in my ears
The thoughts race by without stop
He’s all that’s on my mind

I miss him so much
I don’t know what to do
I shove my head into music and games
Yet it doesn’t work

I’m up late into the night
Constantly thinking what will happen
What if things were different
If the situation was different

Would we have actually became a couple
Or would this have still happened
I’m trying so hard for him
To just be his friend through this time

But the more time that passes
The greater the pain becomes
And I wonder to myself
Did I fall in love?

Is that why this hurts so much
Is that why I can’t help but miss him
Why he is constantly on my mind
Running circles around my distractions

I’m honestly afraid of the next time I see him
What if I run inwards and cause the body to faint
What if I run to him and kiss him?
What about a deeply felt bear hug?

Would he hate me?
It’s petrifying to think about
And each outcome is just painful
I’m so afraid to tell him

Afraid to say what’s on my mind
About how much this hurts
About my feelings for him
About how much I miss him

Should I cave and tell him?
Or should I bare the pain a bit longer
Letting the fates dictate
What is to come

I need answers
But I know that no one can give them
It has to come from me
Whatever my mind and heart decide

Fractured vision
Tear stained cheeks
Aching hearts
Shaking fists

Depression and anger
Mixed together
In a deadly fire
Waiting to ignite

Bursting at the seams
Pushing through the pain
Of a misery
That’s threatening to ****

Crashing and thrashing
Punching and flailing
Wishing things would change
That things would be better

Pushing down emotions
Being replaced by burning
Most agonizing feeling
Of being lost in the moment

Losing the sight
Not seeing what the point is
Breaking down into rubble
Swaying back and forth

Tears burst the dam
Rushing down the cheeks
Salt taste upon the lips
Nails digging into shoulders

Knees clenched to the chest
Screaming out for help
Yet nothing calls out
There is no help to come

The meds that help
Have stopped working right
And now a crumbled mess
Lays upon the floor

Asthma attacks ensue
Panic and anxiety spike
Dissociation happens
All is lost

I’m in total confusion
And honestly it really hurts
I care about you a lot
And you say that you do as well

I know things are difficult now
Things are getting in the way
But at the same time
I feel like I’m tossed aside

My feelings haven’t changed
Maybe yours hasn’t either
Or maybe they have
But this whole situation has me in tears

All I want to do is hold you
To call you mine
To kiss your forehead
To play with your hair

I don’t care about naughty stuff
Never really cared for it
That’s not the type of person I am
Cause I’m a sensual lover

I show my love by cuddles
I show it by kisses and hugs
I could care less if anything else happened
I’m still a ****** for a reason

But at the same time
I’m pan
I don’t like or love like normal people
I feel the personality out

I sense what the person is about
Before I try and do anything
And because of that fact
When I click with someone I fall

It’s hard to go back
To being just friends
To not holding you at night
Or smelling your cologne

No more anything
Barely a whisper
And it hurts
So badly I cry

You say you like me a lot
And I tell you the same
But in actuality
I fell for you the first day

Your personality
Your likes and interests
Your dislikes and your smile
All the way down to the way you hold yourself

I’m holding these feelings back
Putting them under lock and key
Because that is your wish
But that doesn’t stop the pain

The longing I feel when we are apart
The excitement I get when I text you
The happiness I get when you respond
The solace I get when I hear your voice

I guess what I’m saying
Is that I’m probably in love
And this whole situation
Is causing nothing but pain

But I will continue
To do as you wish
To hold back my feelings
In hopes of enjoying one more kiss

For the past few months
My life has been hell
But then someone walked in
And brought a light

A light shining so bright
I was able to see hope
For the first time in years
Someone I love being around

But things don’t always work
They way you wish them to
So now in order to keep sane
Feelings that developed need to be drowned

I don’t want this person
To end up walking out of my life
Cause of a mistake that I
Or my alters make

I must be strong
But that’s always a problem
For I have no idea
How to be strong

I’ve never been good at it
It’s always eluded me
Especially since I tend
To develop feelings fast

And that’s always been an issue
I like him so ******* much
But at the same time
I fear that I scared him

Maybe I did something wrong
Maybe I pushed too much
Was I doing something wrong
I don’t know anymore

All I know is that
I need to go back
To being numb
Until the time is right

Who knows when that will actually be
Or if that will actually happen
But at the same time
My alters and I are accepting fate

The Gods and Goddesses
Like to toy with us
So I feel that I’m destined to be alone
Lost in the waves of torment

Being battered by the rocks
Shoved down by the current
Made to be abused by fate
Until I’m a perfect play toy