A glance at the clock can't tell me
the nanosecond it takes
for the thoughts to seep through my head,
and let me know that I am nothing.

A ticking time bomb can't relate
to the raging inferno
that burns up every good feeling I ever have
and makes me feel cold in the heat.

A sad song can't tell me
that everything is okay.
Because everything is not okay,
and I'm too terrified to even think.

I'm too terrified to ask for help,
because they won't believe me,
and if they do, that means I have to
tell them what I think.
And I can't think past the fire in my skull,
or the music at the forefront of my mind.

I can't tell them that every time I close my eyes
I imagine each way I could die.
I imagine the pain and feel it rush through me
in the form of excitement,
and fear,
and anger.

Because I just can't accept that part of myself
to be true.
Because I wish it wasn't,
and I don't want anyone to see that side of me.

Somewhere, you have a home.
Somewhere, someone will miss you.
Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere-
Well I'm sick of it!

I'll never have a home,
And I don't want people waiting for me!

I want people to accept my actions.
I want people to leave me be...
I want them to continue on like normal when I'm gone.

Or maybe that's just because it's all I've ever known.

Sleep,
The dark abyss of fears
that await you when you close your eyes
When you're at your worst
your mind becomes a prison
a sanctuary of nightmares
that you can't escape

Awake,
The light of a new day
that quickly turns to dusk
locking you away
the dawn seems so peaceful
but underneath the guise
lies a whole new torture
much worse than in your dreams

Insane,
the art of being 'crazy'
when you harm yourself for attention
is that really what they think?
You're not insane
you are broken
but they can't see that you're hurt
that you just want to find someone to trust

Sleep,
the dark abyss of fears
but you don't feel alone here
because with you in your prison
are the things you can't escape
they haunt you day and night
those demons that you keep
for when the sun sets,
to when it slowly rises
your only friends are with you
in the dark abyss of Peace

I've learned not to love
But to keep my heart close just in case
someone thinks it'd be fun
to cradle it and leave it in the ground.

I've learned not to hate
but to keep my anger at the ready just in case
I need to defend my loneliness
and keep others from getting to close.

I've learned to fear
but to never let it show just in case
someone takes it and mocks me
for being terrified of what others love.

I've learned not to hold a grudge
but never forget just in case
they do it again and again and again,
and I promise not to let them back in.

I've learned these things at the tender age of sixteen,
and these rules I set for myself I never follow.
I set up protectors, walls that keep out what I fear
but I crave the pain and darkness that comes along uninvited
when I roam past my walls into uncharted waters
and bypass every wall and rule I've set up
to keep my heart safe.

So people come and they cradle my heart
and then they leave it in the ground.
So people I want to love, I come to hate
because my anger goes out of bounds
and my loneliness is my sanctuary of calm and self-loathing
that I cannot just forget about.
So people know my fears
and they trample all over them when they forget,
when they don't care, when they become selfish
and spiteful, and arrogant, and ignorant.
So I hold the grudges, but I still let them back in
knowing that the same thing will happen.
But my self-worth is lower than Hell
so I crave the pain it brings because it reminds me that I am here,
still serving my punishment for living in such a world.

There is nothing like waking up exhausted.
You want to go back to sleep, but you can't.
You aren't sure if you were asleep to begin with.
You had laid in bed for so long in a half-asleep haze
that you can't be sure whether you finally slipped into your dreams or not.

But going by how miserable you feel,
trying to force tired limbs out of bed
while your eyes want to close for just a little while longer,
You can only assume the answer.

What time did you wake up anyway?
3 or 4 in the morning?
What time did you go to bed?
9 O'clock?
You should feel less tired,
but the reality is that you took three hours of tossing and turning,
praying for sleep,
before finally slipping into it for just a few
scarce moments before you're
jerking back away at some ungodly hour
just to spend the next two trying to fade away again.

And then you have to get up.

Give me the strength
Of a thousand hearts
Beating in a song
Of life and love

Give me the strength
Of the wind on a rainy day
So I can hope to be as strong
As the howling storm

Give me the strength
Of a million lifetimes
Of a million souls dancing
In the sway of song

Give me the strength
To say I love you
And to let you
Into my padlocked heart

Give me the strength
To unlock the part of my brain
That doesnt think
Im a waste of space

Because i need the strength
To make myself able to live
The life I desire, but can never have

When everything you say
has no impact at all
what did you expect from them?
Everything, or maybe just something

Even if it's a little bit
you just want them to care

Sing me to sleep
oh, voices of my past
I can't wade to deep
in the sea that is your laugh

for if i stay with you
surely I will drown
I don't know to swim,
not when you're around

I try to draw a breath
but water fills my lungs
the void that is waiting
as I'm going numb

The moment that I realise
That you're hands hold me under
I awaken in my bed gasping,
unable to get away from you

I'm searching for an answer
but I already know the outcome
of my questions.

Another death swept under the rug
billions of people,
not a single one made a sound.

What's the difference between celebrities and normal people, huh?
What in the world is wrong with us?
Are we not important?
Are we replaceable?

People are despicable.
We are the invaders.
An invasive species of the whole world,
destroying everything that is beautiful
and replacing it with synthetic material
to make us feel better
but never helping.

I'm one person among billions.
and I know i'm not the only one
who thinks this world is on the verge of a breakdown.
The question I mentioned,
I think I found it.

Why does it matter?

The answer:
Because aesthetics matter more than the well being of anyone. If they look 'okay' they can't be hurting. They can't be in pain. They're just lying.

The outcome:
A world of lies and cheating and stealing,
all based on how the world sees us
and not how we want to live.

What is the point?
Who the hell wants to live like this,
if live at all?
I'd much rather face down a pack of starving animals
than take on a group of people.
Because animals don't care about the color of your hair or the quality of your makeup, or the brand of your clothes.
They are creatures of instinct.
They are creatures of family, balance, bonds.
Whereas we are creatures of pain and torment.
Where did our evolution go wrong, I wonder.
Because I don't think we were meant to be like this at all.

You're not going far
With that scarred mind of yours.
Oh, I beg to differ
I'll build myself upon my hatred
Of mankind.
I'll build myself and tear into my soul,
extracting words I've never told
And laying my soul bare
for all to gawk at.
This is a gateway to my future
Of suffering that I will let define me
For the sole purpose of entertaining others
With my faults and mistakes.

My eyes are haunting
Your lies are daunting
My mind is fading
From all your hating

I hear you calling
You see me falling
You are smiling
I am breaking

My pain is fading
Your words are swirling
My voice is cracking
Your patience is thinning

You aren’t laughing
But you are taunting
I am crying
I am dying

I was hated
I was faded
I was abandoned
I was jaded

You were the torturer
You were the tormenter
You were the slaughterer
My worst enemy, my murderer

You'll never know what's on my mind,
it's everything I've tried to hide.
I think I've failed-
Could you tell me why?

All the frustration of being alone,
All the desperation when I'm with others.
It's a constant push and pull,
I'm begin torn apart.

Where I am now,
with no one around.
It's so peaceful and calm and
So...Empty

Where I was before,
surrounded on all sides,
a tiny box of linked together hands
confining, restricting,
too crowded.

Where's the in between?
The middle that I crave?
I've only been there once...
but only in my dreams.
I don't even have those now,
So imbalanced by nature.
One's too little,
two's too many.
where's that point five?

With shaking hands I grasp yours
I cannot run away.
You are lying ever colder now,
You're sleeping through the day.

And at night, you shall rise
from your body, through the roof
to the sky, where you shall lie
But I need to see the proof.

They say Heaven's where you'll be,
but you see, I don't believe
all I hear are all the lies
When I look into their eyes.

But if it's true, then I cry
Because I won't see you again.
And I know, you'll say I'll go to Heaven too.
But if Heaven is a place,
I'll never grow my wings.
I'll be dragged straight down, into Hell.

There are many places
I wander at night.

Some are made of mist,
Some are made of ashes,
Some are made of glass.

There are many places
I remember at night.

Some are a distant memory,
Some never existed,
Some will fracture at the slightest touch.

They always told me
"Life is something to cherish"

But I never learned the difference between
Surviving and living,
I never saw anything in myself worth saving.

As I'm waiting for you
in a sea of light
the blinding flashes burning
even in the dead of night

As I look out
up at the moon and stars
I wonder faintly, softly,
exactly where you are

I'm hoping that you'll here this
this melody of mine
because with your lack of conscience
maybe you'll understand mine

You're shining down upon me
I'm embraced by your arms
these tendrils of light
dancing in front of me

I know that you understand
my pain, my mind, my heart
because you just listen silently
like a beautiful sky of stars

Just a lonely girl
wishing someone understood her
she talks to the moon
hoping for an answer

As the light above her
drowns out all her fears
every night she comes to stand
under your light again.

Everyone wants to connect
To carve their scars into one another
and never let them be forgotten
even after they fade from this world.

Everyone wants to be loved and to give love
The one who gave love
never had enough for themself
so they accepted the love from the other
in an endless cycle
of dependance.

Without connection, there is no love
and what is given out cannot be returned.
And then you run low on love
and then you run out.
And you can't get any of it back
ever again.

If they only knew what goes on in my mind
Ever since I could breathe, they would be
astounded by the darkness in my skull.

If they only saw what was racing through my thoughts
every time I open my eyes, they would beg me
to keep them closed tight.

The high road of life was never meant for me to take
when I fall through the cracks, slipping
on the wetness created by my eyes.

I look at all my scars, closing my eyes once, then twice
then never wanting to open them. Horrible reminders
on my heart and soul and skin
that remind me that I think I am worthless.

This high road has been lowered
and I am dangling over the edge of all that I am
and all that I ever will be.

So I am now faced with a decision:
Let go, or claw my way back up to the solid ground.
I think you know which one I'll end up choosing.

Save these stolen treasures
for a woman who can love them.
Save this simple love song
for a girl who knows how to sing them.

A girl who isn't me,
a girl who can laugh, young and free
unburdened by the weight
of the world.

Save these candy apples
for a woman who makes you smile
Save these sunkissed hands
for a girl who can hold them

A girl who isn't me
a girl who can love, faithfully
a girl whose heart is beating
red and full

I'd give away those treasures
I don't know how to love
My laugh is bittersweet, and oh so wrong.
I'm crippled by the weight
of this world's torment and hate
I can't make you smile
I'm not yours to hold.

But if I was bold,
then maybe
I'd have a chance
to learn how these feelings inside me
could learn to change.
Maybe then my heart would beat,
so beautiful and sweet;
but alas,
I doubt that dream will ever be seen.
At least not by me.
But for you,
this dream shall come true
just as long as you leave me
alone.

Opinionated; selfish; greedy
lazy, too high strung; needy.
not girly enough, tomboy
well guess what, I never asked to be your toy.

"You'll never get anywhere with an attitude like that"
First off, *******, nobody asked for your input.
Trust issues won't let me love
anxiety won't let me sleep

leave me here to burn; the rage is a parasite
and I'm spitting fire at those who get too close to the light
But there's no light here, no it's buried deep inside
getting weaker by the day, a classic case of suicide

Maybe then you'll regret it because I know I sure have
The way you talk to me, but that's how it's always been.
You start the fight, only ending when one of us end up in tears
is this how a mother and daughter are supposed to act?

I've never known any different,
paranoia watching my back like it's **** or be killed.
though I guess it is; my mind tries to suffocate me in thoughts too deep.
I can't swim, not in the tar that invades my skull,
filling my nose and leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

I don't know how to vent, bottles filled with trapped darkness
swirling in vortexes that get stronger
until the bottle bursts in a dangerously beautiful explosion
that leaves my world spinning and my mind fragile like the shards
that I'm left to pick up all on my own.
even paranoia has deserted me.

instead, I am greeted by a friend named Depression,
who invites over Tired, and Anxious, and Apathetic,
Pathetic.
Is this how it's always gonna be?
No way to get help.
No way to release the demon inside me without consequence?

No help from the family who knows
the family who witnessed firsthand
the scars, the pain, the anger
the hurt.

I guess they're as shallow as I am empty.