What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't want to care,
I don't wanna feel like this anymore

I can't ask for your help
because i would have
to explain myself,
and that would make it
ten times worse

I should just stop speaking to you,
but you did nothing to hurt me;
I'm stupid and i overreact
because I'm insecure
and, on my mind,
there's no place for me
in your heart

But what if,
maybe,
I'm not wrong at all?

Promised myself
I wouldn't let you
Become just words on a page
Guess that this means
You went and broke my heart
Better Jot down all you've done
Let you know what I've become
You went away for like five days
Then you never replied to me again?
So this is what the games become
Ignoring me, is that how you treat everyone?

Better sell this
To Tay Swift
Make sure that it
Becomes number one hit
Won't slit
(Won't slit)
My wrists
(My wrists)
Over a selfish *****
Really thought that you
were better than this
Yeah better than this

Excuse me miss
Why couldn't you give
Me just a small hint
Of what it was you wanted
Why'd I have to guess
Make me go jumping
through all these hoops
Just for you
I changed my whole life for you
Now can't even get a word out of you
Who the **** was I kidding?
What the hell was I thinking?
Thinking somebody like you
Could ever like somebody like me
But what hurts the most
is that you made me believe
You trusted me,
My heart has been crushed
And it hurts so much
Never wanted my love

Better sell this
To Tay Swift
Make sure that it
Becomes number one hit
Won't slit
(Won't slit)
My wrists
(My wrists)
Over a selfish *****
Really thought that you
were better than this
Yeah better than this

Message after message
Call after call
Check my phone
Still no reply,
Lay awake, all night
Wondering where and how you are
Making all these wishes on stars
Got me praying that you're okay
Then I find out,
you never planned
To talk to me again
Didn't trust me enough
To tell me your real name
Guess everything you felt
Guess everything you said
Was all fake, was it all fake
Can't tell what is make believe
And what is real
And in my confusion
Can't find a conclusion
No, there's just no solution

Better sell this
To Tay Swift
Make sure that it
Becomes number one hit
Won't slit
(Won't slit)
My wrists
(My wrists)
Over a selfish *****
Really thought that you
were better than this
Yeah better than this

©2017 Written By Benji James

I'm making a killing  
These are some
******* true feeling's
Let the ******* haters hate
Look at the hatred I've made
Oh **** you deleted me
Shame you won't be able to read this
Guess I'll have to grab a mic
And scream this out loud,
Show you what you made me do now
Razor blade cuts aren't enough
How much longer till I O.D.
On all of these drugs
Think I've lost my mind?
Guess that's something
We will see in time

I bled for you
Ran a river of red for you
Screamed your name in pain
Cut incisions into my veins
I've cried for you, lied for you
The repayment you made
Was leaving me,

What is this hurt
Why all this confusion
Clouded judgement
Increased delusion
Shaking, trembling
Falling apart
Lost myself in you
Lose myself in art
Paint me black and blue
Because I beat myself up
For losing you

I hate when I see your face
It reminds me of your taste
It reminds of the kisses you gave
Yeah your lipstick stains
All over my face
And now all I have
is this sadness in me
And my anger boils deep inside of me
And way too many times I've lost control
Laying on the cold hard floor
Naked and chained
All these blood red stains  
Losing my way,
disconnected in my brain
From all the shame
Not strong enough
to take the blame

I bled for you
Ran a river of red for you
Screamed your name in pain
Cut incisions into my veins
I've cried for you, lied for you
The repayment you made
Was leaving me,

What is this hurt
Why all this confusion
Clouded judgement
Increased delusion
Shaking, trembling
Falling apart
Lost myself in you
Lose myself in art
Paint me black and blue
Because I beat myself up
For losing you

All this rage,
my body feels so strange
Must be all these pills I take
There is a light fading in this dark place
Scratches, bite marks, bruises
From the push and shove
Saliva sprays from your face
Screaming, yelling, so much hurt
From jagged edged words
Blades penetrate hoping to numb the pain
Pills just to calm you down
Before violence sets in
And all this sweat
is flooding out of my skin
Eyes dilate, increased heart rate
All these reasons
I'm losing my way
Fading away, my skies are grey
Is this the reason I've lost my place

I bled for you
Ran a river of red for you
Screamed your name in pain
Cut incisions into my veins
I've cried for you, lied for you
The repayment you made
Was leaving me,

What is this hurt
Why all this confusion
Clouded judgement
Increased delusion
Shaking, trembling
Falling apart
Lost myself in you
Lose myself in art
Paint me black and blue
Because I beat myself up
For losing you

The guilt kicks in
Tears run down these cheeks
Bedrooms dark,
thoughts become bleak
Haven't eaten for a week
All these feelings consuming me
Torture my heart, ripping it apart
All these drugs just aren't enough
To cleanse me of all my mistakes
Tried locking all the memories away
And nothing seems to be working for me
I'm pushing through each day
Looking for a reason to live
And everything I've tried to give
Hope has been stolen out of my pocket
I've been left an empty shell of nothing
Thought I was something
When I was with you
Truth is I'm nothing
unless I have you
To keep me grounded
You were the one
that reinvigorated my soul
You were the one that brought me up
When I was low
When you were around
I never felt alone
You were my safety, my home.

I bled for you
Ran a river of red for you
Screamed your name in pain
Cut incisions into my veins
I've cried for you, lied for you
The repayment you made
Was leaving me,

What is this hurt
Why all this confusion
Clouded judgement
Increased delusion
Shaking, trembling
Falling apart
Lost myself in you
Lose myself in art
Paint me black and blue
Because I beat myself up
For losing you

©2017 Written By Benji James

Look who is going around
Trying to capture my attention now
Mean to tell me you still ain't figured this out?
better tell you my side of the story now
Just so everyone can see how
You went and lost me the way you did
The reason I've been ignoring all this ****
Oh, you remember what you said?
Can you feel it's presence in your head?
You said you'd moved on (So long, So long)
And you blamed me for all the things that went wrong,
In your last relationship, Yeah you did
I was part of the reason you broke up with him,
That is what you said, So I did the logical thing
I went my separate way
And now your acting like the victim, ouch.
Seems this situation is spiralling out of my control
but there is more left to be told

Does it hurt?
Does it hurt?
That I don't need you now
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt?
That I don't need you now

Yeah maybe it's a little tragic
But even best friends say goodbye
You went and betrayed my trust
I was left to pick up the dust
And maybe it's a little tragic
But even best friends say goodbye

Yeah you showed your brand new friend
Every **** message I ever sent
Why not just stab me in the back
Best friends don't act like that
I took the blame
And I took the fall
I stuck up for you on the freaking phone
I told your ex and that *****,
to leave you the **** alone,
I stood up for you
And when you couldn't see us getting together,
You moved on, Yes you left
So I went my own road
Paved my way
to a new life and place I made
with my new friend's I have made
I feel completely safe

Does it hurt?
Does it hurt?
That I don't need you now
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt?
That I don't need you now

Yeah maybe it's a little tragic
But even best friends say goodbye
You went and betrayed my trust
I was left to pick up the dust
And maybe it's a little tragic
But even best friends say goodbye

You went and found somebody else
It's time to let go of the past
We both walked separate paths
He needs your all, And I don't
I've got everybody that I need
I didn't like you like that, I never did
I knew we weren't meant to be
It's time to get this out in the open
Yeah clear the air
Breathe in deep
It's time to move on (Really move on)
You said you moved on
So just move on (So long, So long)

Yeah maybe this is tragic
But even best friends say goodbye
You went and betrayed my trust
But I'll cherish the memories in my heart
I was left to pick up the dust
So I did, you left me standing here
So I walked the other way
Yeah this sounds tragic
Sometimes even best friends say goodbye
Even best friends have to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye
(Goodbye, goodbye)

©2017 Written By Benji James

They think I'm autistic
From the way I walk
Does that mean I have a stutter?
Because of the way I talk
Am I disillusioned, maybe insane?
Is this an overwhelming feeling
Overtaking my brain?
Am I just another stain
That is in your way?
Can you find a reason
To stop the teasing

Spread the word
I don't care
People say it's good to share
What's the news today?
Send some more gossip my way
Spread the word
Spread the word
Even if it sounds absurd
Spread the word

Girl spread the word
Nah spread your legs
Oops think I just crossed the line
It's not my fault
I'm sexually deprived
Maybe a little hated,
but mostly despised
Because of all my selfish crimes
You’re running out of time

Spread the word
I don't care
People say it's good to share
What's the news today?
Send some more gossip my way
Spread the word
Spread the word
Even if it sounds absurd
spread the word

They're looking for all the cuts
From the razor blades
That's in the lyrics
I had out on display
Did I mention
everyone thinks I'm gay?
Am I the highlight in your day?
Why don't you make up something else?
Oh, what you need some help?
Think up something by yourself

Spread the word
I don't care
People say it's good to share
What's the news today?
Send some more gossip my way
Spread the word
Spread the word
Even if it sounds absurd
Spread the word

I'm not speaking to a friend
Who I can't trust again
Now they can speculate
Who, why and how?
I was the blame
For why he went away
She thought that I might stay
But I had to take a break
Because all the rumours
Messed with my head
I felt like I was better off dead

Spread the word
I don't care
People say it's good to share
What's the news today?
Send some more gossip my way
Spread the word
Spread the word
Even if it sounds absurd
Spread the word

©2017 Written By Benji James

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because the last time I opened up to someone artistically they told me it was pretty dark and I should keep it to myself.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because I was raised in a culture that was anti love and pro meaningless ***. I saw endless commercials about movies that glamorize a lifestyle in which your body is fulfilled but your heart is ignored and at that impressionable age I learned my heart came second but my allure came first and the less I cared that happier I would be and I carried that belief around with me the way I used to carry around a Bible as a child.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because of the time that I opened my father’s phone to reveal a family secret I would hold to this day against my own moral instincts unraveling miles of insecurities wondering if I’m not a good enough daughter or if he stopped loving my mother or if true love was never real and although I had been taught marriage was my purpose, it was what I believed would make me happy, maybe rings aren’t enough to stay in love and maybe people’s feelings change and maybe no one actually has a “one true love” and that this purpose I had been taught was really an endless wild goose chase that only lead to broken families and lost souls.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because sometimes I still wonder why I fell into an abyss of toxicity at such a young age. And when I say wonder I don’t mean a trivial ponder, I mean I contemplate every possible reason why the person who I once believed held the universe in her eyes would lie to my face, why she never kissed me in public and our love was always a secret, why she valued girls with blue hair but my blonde hair was not good enough, why I had to hide bruises from my family when I was still in high school or more importantly, why at the time, I thought I deserved them. These thoughts, this lingering paranoia that I am undeserving of healthy love, they muddy my interpretations of real life and distort reality and effect my relationships. My doctor would call these intrusive thoughts, my best friend would tell me they’re symptoms of PTSD, but I have come to realize that I’ve been burned and I am damaged and I hope to god I can recover.

But you,
Oh god, you
You can write this poem. You can be my safety net while I’m free falling in love. You can be the one to listen to my mental tilt-a-whirls, you can be the one that introduces my body and my heart, you can be the one that calms the storms in my mind when I’m questioning the love I’m deserving of. You are the one who makes sure I fall asleep in my bed after drunk nights, you are the one that still sees my value after acknowledging my flaws.
You can write this poem.