A grey beast atop; it howled, it growled.
The stream of his blood; it rained, it flowed.
Light beams everywhere,
but the sun was found nowhere.
I fought for rest; I tried to sleep,
And the symphony has made me weep.
Oh sun, come bring a knife;
I am tired of this life.

the nights are longer than days
stars are tangled on a grey mist
trees shout winds that never were felt
nothing but darkness
there are no people anywhere
nothing but my body
suddenly, a storm came running after me
sharp lightnings everywhere
wild tornadoes in the air
I seek to run; my knees bleed
my feet ache, and my joint hurts
and I found myself on the cliff
nothing can help
no one can
and so I jumped
I fell
and the sky full of mist fell on me
all the winds, the storms and
everything fell on me
oh, sorry, I can't handle my anxiety

If you think I refer to the view that we all know
an abstract that dreams blue, red, orange, and yellow
well, that can be seen as we channel in the night
as we glimpse the last pouring of daylight.

I love stories; I read them, I feel them
and more than that, I understand them
you share what you love
so I'll share one

This is not a story, quite a poem,
quite literature, but one thing I know
this is the truth, the whole truth
nothing but the truth, my truth

this is boring, boredom
won't force you to read
but if you find it interesting,
I'll do my best to proceed

stories aim to share and to tell
tell anything, share a thing
everything, every feeling
something about nothing

But the rule is simple:
read, learn, and move on
for the story does end
stories aren't permanent

I hate how I find myself at the ending
realizing things, and gazing at the beginning
looking back at the past, just looking back
for the past is done, you are not, but you are about

For a fool like me who believes in eternity
that things will last forever, even eternally
It hurts to know that all will end
even more to know that it cannot be bent

you can't do anything
better to know nothing
I became a taste of bitterness
I hate it, but it is it

Endings are void
once you reached it, you'll be lost
you'll know you're there
when you find yourself nowhere

and yet, I lost you here

I can’t always be warm.

Sometimes I’m a cold cemetery
That only welcomes bones,
Broken hearts, tragedies,
Lips that haven’t talked for days,
And souls controlled by parasitic grief.

Other times I’m a battlefield
That has seen chaos,
Rage, bloodshed, and death.
I’ve witnessed aftermaths
And how soldiers become winged.

At times I tried to be a home
That promotes rest, growth, and warmth,
But I guess I’m just an empty place —
Ordinary, plain,
Replaceable.

Do you wonder why you don't belong?
Do you wonder where you belong?
Do you call yourself different?
Do they call you different?
Do you try to fit in?
Do you try to **** yourself fitting in?

Why?

You don't have to

You're strong
Don't pretend to be weak
Just to fit in

You're brave
Don't pretend to be scared
Just to fit in

You're deep
Don't pretend to be shallow
Just to fit in

You're UNIQUE
Don't pretend to be them
Just to fit in

Be the river in the desert

i am not happy
i am not sad
i am not feeling anything

i am so empty
i am so blank
i am so numb to everything

I want to say "I'm sad"
In thirty-three different languages—
Whichever you prefer,
So long as you'd get what my message is.

They asked me to chase the "light" once again,
And I hope they meant "lightnings"
Because I've been wandering around outside
In hopes of getting struck by one.

In between my internal monologues
Are bottomless pits awaiting my next mistake.
And behind my play-pretends
Are quicksands awaiting my heart to ache.

I have been blaming my own reflection.

I guess you can't wish for “a happily ever after"
When you were born to be a monster.
And I guess you need not to be kind
When you are meant to be out of your mind.

Even so, send in the clowns.

One day,
There was a tree in my backyard.
No one knows who planted it;
no one knows who did.
But one thing for sure,
it just grew.

Today,
I asked if I could plant one,
they say I could, but not today.
For a tree is a huge responsibility
and I guess…
I am still not ready.

Each day,
I wonder how a tree grows.
Why do we need one?
And how do you get one?
Although, it is silent,
I still can feel it.

All day,
I saw a man or two
they kept on cutting trees.
They said it hurts,
but they have to
for some do need to end.

Someday,
I will plant a tree.
Or maybe someone will do it for me.
But one thing for sure,
without a reason,
a tree will just exist.

Raindrops kissing my eyebrows,
I regretted leaving the house.
I looked around and saw strangers
With huge weight on their shoulders.

Empty stomachs falling in line
With minds barely stable,
Was it a new adventure to define
Or just another day to feel small?

Arm wrestling with time,
We’re all heading somewhere —
Finding words that rhyme
Or just a breath of fresh air.

And when the sun slowly decays,
All we need is a resting space.

But as the streets grew darker,
I could only write a poem,
For I am a worn-out wanderer
Who missed the last train home.

I tried to write a poem
for poetry's my friend
but even a nice poem
couldn't make this pain end

poetry could not help me
neither could I help myself
I was finding a way to end this pain
and then I found a bookshelf

I tried to read a story
for books' could have made me smile
but even a neat book
couldn't make me smile for a while

books weren't enough
those books on the shelf
the only way to end this pain
is to end myself

Being trapped in a sort of tragic ballad
Yet, different from the sadness that you’ve had
This sentiment can make the weak become mad
But the strong sees its beauty and turns glad

Bead of pleasure that lurks in the past
This happiness is quite vague and quite vast
Hold onto something, trust me, it’s a blast
Blast built to bring joy and gast

Be careful, you might get lost in this maze
You might drown yourself by giving it a gaze
Why don’t you just stop and set it all ablaze?
Or let this haze leave you in a total daze?

Will you miss me?
I mean
when I go somewhere
somewhere far
will you be sad
because you miss someone
which is me?

Because, me?
I miss myself
I'm lost somewhere
going nowhere
nowhere to be found
yet I miss me
so much
I did not go somewhere
but I was gone
when you left

To the pills I taught myself to swallow,
To the realities I was forced to receive,
To the innocent child I was fated to outgrow,
And to my phases that I was asked to forgive,

I am grateful.

It is through you that I have become
The monster I needed to be...
Yet we’re still each other’s prey.

Though I can still see faces in the clouds,
Hear stories only silence can utter,

Have instant regrets of waking up,
And be lost in my own labyrinth,

I am grateful.

Moonlit debris falling like snow
From the once-towering houses,
The boiling ground will make you tiptoe
As the city’s about to turn into ashes.

The sounds of shrieks and fading screams
Will be much louder than faith and hope.
You can only trust your remaining limbs,
For there will be no time to cope.

Behind the stench of burnt trees
Is a growing desire for rain —
Just to remember where your heart is,
Just to keep yourself sane.

But it’s too late now.

You will need more than water,
You’ll need more than seers —
‘Cause I set the world on fire
With these flammable tears.

rainbows did not interest me anymore
I could always hear my demons' roar

a sound sleep could not save me at all
how would you expect me to stand tall?

even the flowers that bloomed through sun's ray
couldn't make me smile, couldn't make my day

a hug could help, but only for a minute
deep talks made sense, but no one swam through it

laughter became rare and expensive
I couldn't afford one; even my tokens were evasive

they said sunsets could make you happy
oh... um... really?  

what sound should I make when I drown?
should I shout or should I just frown?

it felt like death; I've always wanted to die
happiness was silent... and so was I

I've been crying underwater,
Not because of the sea salt
Or because of whoever's fault —
My eyes are just fated to whimper.

Then you came, not to stop the tears —
Underwater, you have lent your ears.
Beneath where feet refuse to stay,
In times when it's easier to be astray,
Guide me back.

One backstabbing cup of coffee
Makes summer read rotting pages of poetry.
And if spring finds the paper coffin,
Not a single skeleton will be left unseen.

I have made it through winters—
Got some waning moons on my dime.
Now with a single gem in my purse,
All that's left is for new poems to rhyme.

There's no room for another autumn.

I noticed that I only write poems
Whenever I get to lose my courage to vent,
Fail to escape from the clutch of rock bottom,
And have no one else to comfortably talk to.

And with the quicksands of changes
That I have never opted to be stuck in,
I guess I am bound to exhaust my hand
Writing poems till the end of my days.

would you allow a stranger to invade your life?
would you let noise overcome your melody?
would you dare to open door for someone you don't know?
would you take the risk?
'cause I did
and I don't regret doing it

that when a new taste blends within your soul
a new face is smiling next to your whole
the sun was left unseen, for your eyes were enough
and the colorful stripes shine brighter than they did
I was overwhelmed, indeed

but the door, you broke the door
and all of melody's crashed on the floor
you were different, a faceless who
how fool of me, to trust in you
you who play the pretentious game
but, sorry, no, that game's too lame

you were a stranger
and nothing but a stranger
you will always be stranger who's faces are danger
don't worry, you can stop pretending now
I have let silence overcome this noise
I closed the door for anyone's voice
it's a great risk that I took
and look,
I did
and I don't regret doing it

I once was a blind bird shackled in the shadow
bestowed with a pair of flightless wings
yet cursed with a pair of sightless eyes
a tiny feather in the middle of nothingness
allowing winds to draw me nowhere
although, I like it this way
I mean, I do not know exactly
I'm being used to it
and I'm afraid I might get addicted to it
but I must not
no matter how narrow the clouds might be
you must always seek for the sun

it was a chaos
a chaos that I ignited
and yet I can't do anything about it
I tried to scream
but nothing happened
I exerted lots of energy to break these chains
and I exerted all of my strength
but these are not enough

and I became exhausted
you would not hear me
nor any sound from me
pure silence
like when an angel walks by

and I hope that an angel would walk by

all of a sudden, the dawn breaks
the gloom fades like a wild animal
there was nothing but light
and for the first time, I was able to see
clouds filled the blue firmament
the cage was broken and gone

I haven't even called Him yet
but He rescued me right on time
how He loves me so much
and I was different
never yearn to go back
a free bird, flying
changed,
new.

A cup of coffee after another —
I tried hiding behind a memory,
Only to be caught by the thought
Of losing you.

But above, an aerial war zone,
Whose fragments fall down
Like soldiers returning home,
Becomes louder than fear.

Loud flashes of light never stopped
Nor did they bother me at all.
In fact, I would keep one in a jar,
But I already have thousands within.

You’d say I must be mad
For wanting the city to drown,
But a song can’t save me now,
So I’ll just listen to the rain.

Jetpacks on, flap those wings with ease,
And aim beyond the outermost layer.
Zeppelins will do, or a blimp if you please –
You and I shall come across the moon chaser.

Any sound of silence can lead us straight to her.
I know it, for she's always been a familiar song,
Rewritten over and over,
As the diurnal storms prolong.

Moonlight shines the brightest on this day,
As its chaser was born a decade and eight ago.
Right now she paves her own way,
In hopes of surpassing the lunar halo.

She came from where the wildflowers grow,
Often surrounded by the people she needed.
Like an ocean, she was never shallow,
On land, her feet are always grounded.
May she become who she wants to be,
Once she reaches the moon's gravity.
Nevertheless, let us see her fly!

You’re a gift I give to everyone I meet
A presentable gift, raw and neat
You were taken by those people of my fond
A matchstick that ignites a snowing bond

Joy overwhelmed me as I share pieces of you
And I hope those recipients felt the same way too
But now look at you, you’re broken into pieces
Like a glittering powder or fine shattered glasses

Can’t you see the pieces that project your reflection?
Aren’t you tired being trapped in the game of destruction?
Your beauty fades and you slowly became weak,
A skyscraper built and designed to be a brick.

Now I’m afraid for you to be shared,
At the end of the day, I’m the only one who cared.
But don’t be pained, you are still free,
I just cannot see you crying in debris.

Aren’t you bothered by those children
Calling out for the Grim Reaper?

Have you come across the ******* dog
Feasting on the remains of your will to live?

Can’t you see those bloated butterflies
Feeding on your recurring thoughts?

Look at those unburied skeletons
Of the dreams we had to break.

Have you seen how lost souls
Wander with their unreliable feet?

Have you heard the wailing
Of the monster you have become?

Do you still shelter the parasite
That breathes through your pain?

Have you witnessed how a heart
Becomes so used to tragedies?

Listen to the echoing lullaby
Of a dwindling spark of hope.

Have your eyes met the past
Of both the loud and the silent walls?

Doesn’t a single unshared scar
Keep you up all night?

Have you retrieved your mind
That constantly dwells in the future?

Have you forgotten the false hope
We used to distract ourselves with?

Do you still smell the silhouettes of trauma
Lingering in your daydreams?

While most nightmares awaken the asleep,
These ones make us want to sleep more.

In this chaotic world of uncertainty,
I long to be scared with you.

"I want to stay,"
I told myself.
I want to enjoy every bit of second,
every moment, every day,
every time I get to distract myself
with the happiness I feel.
But I shouldn't,
for I should not.

Perhaps staying
can be deadly sometimes.
No matter how much you wanted
to stay on the same boat,
on the same ground,
or the same memory
over and over again,
eventually, you will eave.
Because you'll need to leave.

Perhaps leaving
isn't that bad after all.
No matter how much
you wanted to hold on,
on the bond that took years to build,
on trusts that took seconds to break,
and even on promises that took forever to wait.
Eventually, you will let everything go,
for you need to let go.

A person, an emotion,
a feeling, a sensation
would somehow be enough
to prevent me from growing.
Because of that single reason,
a child continues to wonder.
But I realized that I shouldn't,
for the reason that I should not.

This time I free myself.
I shall wear thicker skin.
I shall heighten my walls even higher.
I shall make my heart a little bit colder.
Perhaps it's not bad at all.
Perhaps it is what I need after all.

I may stay on the same ground,
but with a different pair of shoes.
I may stay on the same boat,
but with a different direction.
I may stay on the same memory,
but with a different me.

Don't get me wrong,
I want to stay, I really do,
but I do need to grow.

I hit the sack way too soon
Through the words of a lullaby.

Entangled with the dream coil,
I found my feet on a foreign soil.
With buildings all gray and sky even darker,
I could not scream nor could I even mutter.
Across the street was a familiar soul—
I was certain, for our eyes met once.
Yet I remained unmoved near a wellhole,
Even though it might be the only chance.

But there must be another way,
I shall ask or go astray.
Clouds now shared the skyscrapers' clothing,
And they led me to a place I found unwelcoming:
An acre of a hundred skeletons,
Guarded by ravens and briars' thorns.
It wasn't a graveyard nor was it a market,
But simply my chained, restricted closet.

All of a sudden, I was being chased,
And went to the woods with an instant regret.
With faltering knees and a heart too dazed,
I heard words I wished I could forget:
"I'm a nightmare cloaked in human skin,
Dwelling on where the light surrenders."
Then a light pierced through my nightly coffin;
Gently, I opened my peepers.

It's not a dream that most would recap,
But it was just enough to wake me up.

Like a small act of kindness
You make my day
Like cups of coffee
You make me wonder
Like long, tight hugs
You keep me warm
You're just enough
To boost me up

In every moment
I know what I feel
Is not permanent
But at least it's real

I have this huge hole within me
a part of me is missing
I couldn't help myself
couldn't be helped by somebody
'cause all I'm good at is breaking

I keep on making mistakes
I keep on being a mess
Even if a thousand times my soul breaks
I just keep drowning in darkness

I push everyone away
away from me, away from pain
because that's the only way
for them to move a mountain

I couldn't do anything, but get things worse
I keep them all in my purse
because I am just a black hole
nothing but a black hole

I taught myself to cry without a sound,
Only to have my tears be smelled
By the ******* hound.

I hug strangers as tight as I can offer,
Only to be hugged back even tighter.
And you did just that.