i'm sorry
if i was
never able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before
you totally
blocked me out
(or blocked me away?)
i was too busy
fixing the things
you broke----
like your own trust
oh
and i did trust you too
fyi
just saying
and our
well
"relationship"
if you could still
call it that
which by the way
you said
'ayokong mawala ka kuya'
that will lose it's value
if i translate it to english
because for some
unknown(lol) reason
i still treaure those
words
(broken promises are just words right?)
and umm right now
i'm sorry if
i couldn't reply
so quickly
that you're asking
for help----
i'm too busy writing this
which by the way
you should really read
when i publish it
probably when i've moved on
and umm
i can laugh about it already
but really, at the moment
all i can think about
is how
i wasn't even able
to tell you
'fix yourself'
before you broke me completely
because i was too busy
hurting
by myself
and apparently hurting in your behalf
since apparently you're 'too cool' to cry for me.
don't worry, after i write this
i'll probably
not say those two words again...
and i'll probably
fall head over heels for you again...
bah if i ever let you read this
that means i've either succeeded or quit?
but for now
i will try to fix you

It takes love to twist a heart,
It takes love to break it,
It takes love to mend part by part,
And love to make the pieces fit,
You see, love can really tear you apart,
Love shatters you bit by bit...
But it takes love for a fresh new start,
And I promise you, love will be worth it---

were you a bodiless ghost
i could ask of you to haunt me
be with me,
or even blame me.

yet you're now a barely beeping machine
i can only wish you're dreaming peacefully
hopefully—
painlessly...

I know a girl who won't give up.
The strongest woman in the world.
She will smile
Without biting her tongue.
She will laugh
Without sadness on her lips.
She will soar
She will fly
In time---

Every single night.
She pains.
She pains.
She dies,
time
til
time
in every single
drawing breath.
Needlessly.
She cracks.
She wounds.
She breaks.
She scars.
Scarily.
Killing herself
Just to fall asleep...
Before she prays.
Makeup---
She pains.
She pains.
Yet she stands.
She tires.
She tries.
Makeup---
She smiles.
Fractured.
Yet still smiles.
Tearless.
Wearless.
Tireless.
But not painless.
Makeup---
She talks.
She pains.
She smiles.
Makeup---
She walks.
She pains.
She runs.
Makeup---
She's strong,
yet her strength
it needs refilling.
For she stands,
it aches,
yet still she has,
anaesthesia.
Makeup---
She succeeds.
Yet it pains,
walking away.
Makeu---
She goes home
Alone.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Yet she drives.
Make---
Cooks food.
Instant made.
It burns.
It burns.
Yet she eats.
Mak---
Brushes her teeth
Looks at a mirror
Seeing herself,
Smudges.
Blurs.
And yet she still
has the power
to close her eyes.
Ma---
And she lies on her bed.
With all the pain in the world.
She doesn't even
have to wash off
the makeup on her face,
she just cries it off...
M---
Before she prays.
Just to fall asleep...
Killing herself
Scarily.
She scars.
She breaks.
She wounds.
She cracks.
Needlessly.
Drawing breath
in every single
time
til
time
She dies
She pains.
She pains.
Every single night.

In time
She will fly.
She will soar.
Without sadness on her lips.
She will laugh
Without biting her tongue.
She will smile,
The strongest woman in the world.
I know a girl who won't give up.

You have only seen yourself two times.
One, taking a picture and looking at
     the lovely image,
Two, staring at the mirror and looking at
     your dainty reflection…

You don’t get to see how your eyes glisten,
When you look up…

You don’t get to know how
     Your face lights up,
When you talk about something you love…

Or witness how pretty you are,
     Whenever you laugh and smile—

You can never see how beautiful you are,
It’s kind of sad actually.

But I’ll be there.
I’ll be there to tell you exactly what I see—
*
—I see fissures on your lips
as you speak,
as you laugh,
as you frown.

I watch closely as flood gushes…
Storms of tears flowing through your eyes.

I look intently at your pale thin cheeks,
Looking at how they **** in.

    Every moment smaller—
    Every second slower—

Observing every micrometer of your face,
Gosh, you’re still so beautiful…
     But we both know,
That your beauty can never be mine.
     Neither it be his—

Gazing upon your face,
     One last time,
     One last chance,

Bleakly hoping I can memorise your smile…

Mesmerised one last while…
     One.
     Last.
     Look.

It’s a little bit sad.
     Only I saw your beauty.
          And now it belongs to the ground.

it can't be
repentance
so long as
she still smiles.

You've always seen right through me...
It's like
I'm looking into your eyes
    and I see forbidden fruit...         
a forbidden love         
It's like
I'm staring into a mirror
trying so hard          
to look for myself    
but all I see is black.
Like a corpse---            
It's like
I give all I have
In love with you
---Ectoplasm---    
             I give all I am          
To be with you
To let you feel      
  Who I am...
----I am a poltergeist----   
It's like
I'm reaching out
My hands open wide
Extended towards you
      and when              
you look                  
it's like                      
     you don't even see me----
We hug
and it's as if    
you could          
almost just              
pass right through me----
It's like
We love each other...
But it feels like                  
Necrophilia.        
It's like I'm gone...
even if you're looking            
straight into my smile                
my smile I force myself
for you to see                  
it's like you're still looking---                
you can't see me can you?    
forcing a smile
on my face          
day          
by              
day                
do you even know
      that I just smile for you          
because
I'm tired of you
always crying for him        
   night              
    by            
night        
But you can't even
See the smile don't you?
----It's like I'm his ghost----
It's like
I'm a nightmare            
and I'm haunting you                
except I'm right here          
always right in front of you.                        
------always waiting to be noticed.    
always.        
Waiting for you to realize
That love is not a ghost.                    
Love is not a graveyard.                    
Love is not somewhere lost.            
Love is not sealed up in heaven.    
Nor is it burning in the void of hell.
Love is here                              
Love is waiting in front of you                      
always----                                                  
even as you were crying for him                  
    even as you were lying for him
even as you were fighting for him        
even as you were falling for him                        
even as you were breaking over him
even as you were blinded by him                         
even as you were losing him
even as you were mourning for him...    
always----
Even if I'm            
the only love                
you're allowed                  
to love,                                      
you've never                
allowed yourself                
to love me...                              
You've always seen right through me...

..closing time..
the oncoming
impending          
silently awaiting
traffic  
stretching ahead      
too far...
too long...
too wide...
..parting time..    
and a time              
to slip slowly
into
the
eternity
of
a ride.
sigh      
i'm always    
right here
watching you          
from the side...
before i knew it----
rush hour
it was like      
the traffic was          
staring at me              
all this time                  
and i don't know
but it is trying to say something
      and i don't care                              
but i've always known what it is
whatever is beyond      
in front of me    
i really don't want            
to reach it...  
everything is moving          
around and around
well around me          
so blindingly quick
but here i am,          
standing still----                    
..red light..            
i see so many
stuck
going in circles
in circles
in circles
in circles
in repeat                
in repeat                
so tediously    
i saw memories              
in a brightly flashing light        
first came smiles
then came laughter
then there were bottles
i don't even know which ones
    and more and more bottles                  
next came giggles
and whispers
and other voices
sweet nothings            
that somehow
were never really nothing                  
slowly turning bitter      
  quickly becoming swill        
..yellow light..      
i saw memories
in quickly fading beams
   screams                    
yes, i saw screams                        
i couldn't tell if it was me
shouting in your face            
or you wailing for help              
then pain      
i don't know how    
but they were visible pains              
burning pain        
screeching pain
no idea how    
but they were real            
how you ached
then i'd ache
then you'd regret
and i'd be frustrated
et cetera                  
yours?            
mine?        
painful nonetheless...          
..hazard..              
i saw you
just there
so close within reach                
yet so far beyond mine                
just there...
staring expectantly        
and either i will follow you
or leave you alone------
fade in
then fast forward      
..green light..            
and the traffic rolls in    
like the first second
in oncoming eternity
        traffic        
like crawling
footsteps          
tip
then
tap
then
***
then
tat
one by one
by two then and to
like falling rain
and i'm just certain          
where it's all headed    
down the drain
first a drizzle
then a storm
a hail
a welcome?
  it's always been there                  
and never waiting to move...
just waiting for me.          
                  ..step..    
just one
..step..        
then another    
..step..  
and our memories      
and our regrets
and our hurts        
yes, every single one              
all around me-----
..one way street..          
the traffic stretching              
all in front of me                  
so slowly
but all together
so instantly
it sunk in...                      
there was never a destination
just a long long long wait
..tire screeches..

A friend once gave me
A paper flower,
An orange one, a dahlia
And it reminded me of you...
I know she just made it
Out of thin sheets of crepe paper
But I just can smell fresh daisies
Whenever I hold it close.
Just like how I could smell you
Thousands of miles away---

I fell in love with the dahlia
As quickly as I fell for you
Believing the make believe flower
Won't fade away like you'd do...

Hoping I don't have to
Shower it with as much time
Nor do I have to be with it
As much as I could have been for you---

I know it's my fault
We didn't last before

Yet for this one time I tried...
But how could I have known
That the sad reality is
Even paper flowers would wilt too?

I love you deeply,
   as a nameless wave in the sea;

I love you strongly,
   with so much more than I can ever be;

I love you sweetly,
   like a random song in the night;

I love you increasingly,
   Every time we kiss or we fight;

I love you blindly,
   in the dark you are all I see;

I love you steadily,
   no matter how many times you push me;

I love you brightly,
   like a shattered mirror to the sun;

I love you gladly,
   though you were never really having fun;

I love you tirelessly,
   even if I run with all my might;

I love you truly,
   even though I was 'never really right';

I love you sincerely,
   amidst every single time you lie;

I love you endlessly,
   even these many years after goodbye;

I love you rhetorically,
   like no words could ever express;

I love you foolishly,
   and always I will love you nonetheless.

she grabs me by my arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

i could almost whisper alongside her. it's not like she says anything different anyway. always that same sentence. said under that same overcast sky. with that same calm concerned smile.

she never fails to make me feel more tepid inside.

"it is okay as long as i'm with you."
"not like we have a roof to stand under anyway".

she answers herself nearly synchronized with me. she knows exactly what i was to say.

"you can stay safe and dry in my arms instead."

i know she says those words every day but i never tire of listening to them. she has always been my fortress. i love her.

and i can barely understand why, but she always says that i am far too cold as she hugs me; to be honest all i feel is warmth. it puzzles me still—

whenever i close my eyes and say that this is the warmest i've ever been all she does is shake me as the rain grows ever so stronger.

her face just turns pale as if she's seeing a ghost in my place. i wonder what's wrong.

"can you hear me?"
"wake up!"
"hey open your eyes!"

"why are you screaming, mother."

all i can do is ask as calmly as i ever could.

"you're bothering the neighbors. i'm awake. i'm here."

i continue to speak out but maybe the rain is muffling out my voice? i don't know.

she looks cynical. much like the opposite of her cool and patient demeanor she always sports.

"no! not you too!"
"please stay!"

"i'm here mother, what's wrong!"

i try my best to shout watching her weep and sob incessantly calling out my name.

i hate it. she does this everyday. she doesn't ever stop. i hate it. i hate it. how can i make her stop?

"please."

i once again shout out but maybe the subsiding rain blocks that away from her ears like they did yesterday and the day before.

i hate to see mom like this. it isn't funny. i'm here! i'm not going away like dad and my big sister!

i'm always here.

"please don't go away."

she whispers once again holding me tighter. much much tighter than she ever did.

her arms almost passing right through me.

"mom, i can't breathe."
"are you alright?"

waterfalls of her tears wet my hair and fall straight to my heart. i can feel them. so so so warm.

it was almost dead silent if the rain hadn't  been taking away the words from my mouth.

"i'm sorry mom."
"i'll always be here for you"
"i love—"

"*******. you good for nothing, leaving me alone."

she whispers almost as soon as the tears subside. smiling. again. unsettlingly.

"mom?"

i don't know. i don't understand. i don't believe it.

"go on. go ahead. you want to leave? leave. leave me alone. that's what you always wanted to do didn't you? don't let me hold you back. go on. go away. go away like everyone else does."

she doesn't even wait for me to collect the proper words to reply. i've been trying to do so for weeks, months of this same dialogue in repeat. ever since she took me from that freaky hospital bed.

she stood up and walked past me. more like she walked through me. like i was a poltergeist.

doesn't she know that my soul is already anchored in her? i won't ever leave. she keeps me for ever safe.

i can't bare to watch her walk away. that is something i'll never ever do. i know she'll be back in a few minutes anyway.

mom will never let get sick in the rain after all...

so suddenly, she grabs me by the arms and pulls me close, much like she always does every single time it pours.

"you're standing under the rain again."

she says with a ridiculous smile.

Serenity was her face—
Yet it felt like wildfire…
Three in the morning and          
its as if                  
she doesn’t even care        
how badly it is
raining.        
Amid the thousand city stars,            
just like she    
can see none of them—
she outshines all of them anyway…                
All she does is stare                                          
and I am just so              
so sure  
she is staring        
so much deeper...                    
as her eyes are covered  
   by her soaking wet hair                  
I so can simply tell.
So intently.
It is like a few hours        
only before daybreak                              
and its still like                                  
  afternoon                                      
counting the many            
restless feet                              
  of passersby                                            
continuously                                                     ­ 
slapping the wet pavement                              
slapping the soaked water                                
slapping my drenched face                              
And the only thing I can think about is thirst.  
Countless weary eyes          
watching recklessly tirelessly glancing shamelessly—
It’s like the only thing missing              
is a silver screen.                        
I can’t even tell teardrop                
from raindrop apart.      
Dripping.
Dropping.
Creeping down      
her crumbling face              
Eyes covered            
by the quickly  
fading                    
green                        
highlights                
   of her hair.                        
She is glowing while              
equally drowning…                                  
I can basically tell                                
how hard                                                  
she’s trying to keep the cold                          
I know how easily she chills          
I can actually see her shiver                
straight through          
her black Penshoppe hoodie I gave her…      
I know because                  
every                  
single                  
time                  
we stand under the rain      
she just can’t help                        
  but hold me.            
And I’d embrace her.                          
And she’d snug by my shoulders.              
It’s a lot cuter the way I remember it.            
Now all she does is stand there.                              
Hands both clenched                    
so **** tight        
they just could              
so easily burst.    
Shaking—                    
With not even a single word.            
Not even a single sound…                            
I shrug simply.                  
Imagining how even
a single utterance        
could ruin                            
this picturesque scene…        
what else can I do but look at her?
Waiting—
Just like the last time—                  
“So—”          
The man in front of her          
can barely even finish        
a word before she shakes her head
wiping the hair off her lips                          
enough to see that she’s smirking.
And for me to tell that she’s plainly hurt.    
Minutes—          
Hundred headlights passing—              
And a thousand more      
spectators passing by…        
She finally raises her chin                
showing her face        
—still so radiant amid the twilight skies—            
and flourishes                                                       ­   
so flawlessly                                              
this inviolable smile.                                      
No cracks.                              
No wobbles.                                
Not even shaken anymore...                
Exactly the same smile                  
I fell for before.      
She knows                  
just as much as I do          
that no words        
can cut it.                  
She knows only one thing can—
One step closer…                                            
He is exasperated                  
or something…      
I just can’t tell.            
But he must be.                  
All he does is stare    
at disbelief          
almost taking a step back.
And all she does is lean forward.            
One arm thrusting,                        
wrapping around his head                  
and the other      
just so confidently
bashfully                      
she hides      
inside the pocket                
of her denim pants.                    
He’s in shock      
I can tell.                  
And even though              
I know      
what that kiss really means          
I can’t simply help                  
but think of how lucky he is.                      
And how much  
I miss                  
to kiss                  
that same kiss…
But all I could really          
wrap my head about                    
is how sorry              
I feel for him.                          
If only I could pull the plug          
and scream ‘cut!’    
“I don’t believe in smiles and kisses.”
She once looked at me            
so solemnly and said.                      
It was our first fight then.          
First almost apology.                            
First kiss.                    
First hotel room.            
First bed…                              
First time waking up together.                  
And I was too rattled                  
to even think of why.                          
Now I get it so clearly.          
And far too late.                    
She was the first one to pull away.                
Her smile so still untarnished.                                
Unmoved.            ­        
And his face so torn:                    
half of confusion                
and the other half like heaven                      
yet only if heaven                  
was about to tear apart…                  
A face I’ve too long
been familiar with.
No goodbye.                
No hugs.          
No handshakes.                
No warnings—    
All she does is walk away.              
So quickly        
so suddenly            
like she did with me        
all those years ago.                          
Only with a much      
much brighter smile        
this time.                
A much more aggressive kiss        
than I remember.    
Yet nothing else changed…    
Even how she shivers                
so subtly                                              
part stopping herself                                
from hugging the man            
in front of her            
and part from                
the showering cold.            
  
And I know                              
I’m far too late              
and gone                              
to do something about it
but I can’t help myself.                  
Reminding myself of how                              
I waited foolishly                
at that same park                      
knowing and not accepting                
somewhere      
at the back of my head              
that she really meant                                    
that kiss                                                        
to be a                                                                ­    
kiss goodnight...                                                     ­   
How I stared terribly                          
at the passing cars      
thinking to myself                
which one would be                          
the one to                  
hit the hit                      
that lulls me                    
to where I could                          
dream of heaven      
forever—                            
All I could think about          
is how easy it is                            
to take that step forward.
And how hard it is to stop her            
—without thinking—                    
I was racing            
faster than                    
her worn out smile              
falling apart          
catching up so fleetingly...              

And all I did was run
straight past her...

Or more accurately:
*She passed right through me

Must I say how much I will admire you
For love has always come in many ways
Shall I tell what form had you been stealing?
Shall I preach of what beauty has been lost?

For in time love has come time, love shall leave
In time love surrenders with time love fights
But you are love in the brink of defeat
Love kept a last stand in the form of you

Yet you know time as time lasts for ever
Yet time ends love, not you, not ever
For time's all it took for love to find you
And not time nor love would ever fathom----

You are beauty time lost and love has found,
Surely, time, love shall fade... but never you.

light footsteps as i was taught...

i have learned to balance my legs
like the precise swinging
      and swaying
of a well maintained metronome

in fact, they could very well move
on their own if i asked them to.

picking up the stars at the tip of my fingers,
connecting the fainting lights at the black
until i could form something
good enough to at least imagine it real

        or at least to make a good story about.

breathing in intervals
as the skies would allow
feet planted firmly
solid, stuck on the ground
i can only dance for now...

under the loudly singing
roaring sea of starlight
the half moon reaching out
to call me back home
i can only extend my arms
to sign a silent promise

here in the dark prison of gravity
the blackness of twilight taunts me
soon o' little skywalker

the day will again come
and hide my moonlight
and yet all i can do is
wait watch and practise--

**i can fly higher than this

she was dying
out of sobs
to weep for him
while he was running
out of curses
to write for himself

wasn't the day you left me