It’s been a long time since I’ve cared to divulge the thoughts inside my head
Wether it was to mourn or smile
So I’m not sure if the goal is to reach you in bed
Or to write anything worthwhile.
We used our words and we used our ignorance to reach each other wherever we were
Knowing we’d see it but knowing it’d change nothing- for better or worse.
And now maybe this is my curse.

The sad reality is I have what I love
And I have all I ever wanted but I’m alone with it all.
So in the dark some nights I close my eyes and you’re there.
But you aren’t there.
And some nights I think of writing and hoping for your reaction, but you aren’t there.

The truth is you aren’t here you aren’t there, but you’re somewhere. And you’re happy.
Like you deserve to me.
I picture your smile and the warmth of your palms
I’m grateful it’s no longer drugs that keep me calm.
Because those warm palms kept me close
and I’m the one who let go.
The smile made me weak
so I closed my eyes because weak couldn’t be me.
The truth is you were there… right there and offered me everything because you offered me you.
I walked away and broke your heart because even then I knew I wasn’t enough for you.
I was always a ghost that loved you.
I could never feel you there, and you couldn’t feel me.
I was a phantom who hoped my empty words and mediocre poetry would keep you with me.
I was never enough for you Ms. Pretty.
I was just selfish.

The guilt is cutting me
I can’t help but admit
I was the monster to all of them
From whom you hid.

I’m sorry to all those I lied to.
I’m sorry to those I tricked.
I’m sorry for every text

I can’t take it back.
I can’t take back how I lied
How I tricked you, and how I led you to believe that I was better.

I can never take it back.
I just live with this shame
And I can’t blame it on the drugs
There’s no one but me to blame.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself
Even if you did.
Sometimes I want to **** myself
Some time I wish I already did.

Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.

Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.

I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.

I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.

Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.

Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.

Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak

I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.

My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.

Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.

I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.

I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.

I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.

I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.

Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s  name.

Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming  it’s me without me being asked.

I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.

To the women I’ve burned
I’m sorry,
To my brothers,
I’m sorry
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.

Drown me
If my sinfulness is to ever end.
Holy water
Holy Ghost
Holy One who ascends.

I want my hands to be clean
I want to break myself free
in every story I’m the hero
Truth be told I’ve always been the villain.

Every morning it’s the same pain
Just another cross placed on my back again.
I can’t carry the weight.
But every day gets a little bit easier.

Curse me to hang from the tree
And give me over to let it be so.
Name a ****** field after me,
So all those who hate me will know.

I received the vengeance they wanted.
I got what I deserved.
I wish I didn’t care.
Sometimes I wish I hate deserted.

I apologize. I’m trying to get better.
Every day gets a little easier.

I burned.

I burned out.
I burned out bright,
I burned out bright,
But I believed I was a light.

I thought salvation lied within,
But it lies within His hands.
I chose to look at myself
In myself
While my flesh fell into hell.

I was not made to stand idly by.
I was not made to promote a false faith.
Yet I did.
I fooled myself.

Your light grows dim
Your sheep have lost a shepherd.
In exchange for a willing slaughter.
Slaughtered by their “love”.

Your ships can’t come to harbor if they’re all lost at sea.

My church is not a brand.
My christ is not a fashion fleeting away.

I’m not quite sure how to navigate and survive
Through a cancel culture other than to duck and hide.
And I’m not quite sure if that’s good enough but either way my anxiety is eating me up inside.

We all know we’ve all made mistakes
and we’ve all fallen short of perfect - it’s all fake.
I’ve said disgusting things and acted disgustingly but years later what does that all mean?
Does it mean I can’t change? I can’t grow up and learn?
How can I make a difference if I can’t be allowed to grow?

I was created for more than this and I know that I’ve moved on.
To move on is to grow and I’m still growing.
I don’t ask anything of you. I haven’t in a long time.
Just please don’t shut me down.
I promise I’ll be better.
Just give me a chance.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I wasn’t a mess.
What would happen if I got to see you in a dress.
What would happen if I let myself cry on your chest.
What would happen if I took 2 seconds to breathe and to rest.

I didn’t give myself a chance because couldn’t.
And I know you can’t forgive me and you shouldn’t.

I know I through the sink at you
And I’m just glad that you withstood it.

Of all the people in the world I could hate,
I just hope to God you’re doing great.
I still remember that $30 bucks you snuck into that hat somehow.
I guess I just wanna day thanks.

Most days,  I wish I would stop breathing.
the same thoughts always repeating.

I stole years from your life
You’ll never get back,
I truly hope you gaining someone from them.

I don’t know if you still think of me.
I don’t know if you’re glad I moved on
Or If you hope I get struck by lightning twice at once.
Or Maybe somewhere in between?

Sometimes regret and anger bugs me,
Until I see my daughter smile in her pink onesie.
I hope one day we can be in the same place and nod.
And acknowledge that the last happened.
we both did messed up things we can’t take back.

I’ll never hate you for it
I’m mostly grateful for it.
I hope you can feel the same back.

Most importantly I’m sorry
For never trying talking
For giving into pills
And turning my back and walking.

I’m doing my best but it’s never enough
I understand that so I just don’t expect much.

I just wanted write something that isn’t depressing.
Not to cry and moan just because I’m stressing.
Not even to apologize and say I’ve learned my lesson.

Just as a loving way to say hi
And give a final goodbye.

Nothing ever seems to change.
Prayer after prayer and I'm exactly the same.
Scoffing at the idea that I'll ever be holy.

Ive emptied the contents of my stomach
while kneeling on the floor
As many times as I've been at the foot of a pulpit
But I'm still ******* up and my remorse just doesn't do it.

It's never been enough for me to change.

I confess,
I'm selfish and abusive
to my soul for my amusement.
Nothing ever seems to change.

Burn me alive for ten thousand years
and I'll never change.
My regrets haven't meant a thing.

I can't accept that I'm this selfish
but my heart isn't whole again.

Each person affected for my brief moment of pleasure.
Not joy, not love, not need. - Just pleasure.

I want to be better.
I swear I just don't know how.
Someone please show me how.
Because my prayers are bouncing off the shower walls.

Catch me on a string and watch me fly.
So I can cast the shadow once in my life.

I’ll fall and let you cast your shade
And you won’t lift me back up because you know I’ll fail - again.

If I’m not who I thought
And I’m not who you told yourself I could be
Then who is the liar you or me?

Everything is meaningless when you’re not here.
There are no images in the sky
No constellations.
But I guess just my negative perspective.

Am I singing to the sky?
Am I alone in this fight?
Do I have to wait?
Am I locked away?

I’m sure I take away every victory you thought you had.
You told yourself you could hate me enough to make you regret.
But you can’t hold on so tightly
I hate myself more than you ever could.

I hate being trapped in my skin.
I hate not being free.
I hate not being able to love
Anything but the sinfulness in me.

I harm everything I touch.
I lost my will to live.
I just carry on existing.
oxygen is all I have.

I can’t even hold onto God.
I don’t know why He wants me.
I’m slipping through His fingers.
I just want my life to cease.

3 years ago I acted like a complete idiot.
I lost a lot of respect from people I cared about and I lost some good friends. I lost my music and the greatest love of my life. All in a matter of minutes.
Those repercussions are still felt today.
A farewell show with all included and invited but me.
To some this is trivial. To some this may sound pathetic.
But to me, it was everything.
Today, I woke up a broken boy. I feel just as broken as I did in 2016. I feel just as directionless and meaningless as I did then. I feel like my chance at closure, my chance at redemption, and my chance to feel alive the way I used to one more time, is officially and definitively gone in a way i will never know again.
I don’t have a poem in my head, I don’t have any songs in my heart.
Once again, I hold only shame, regret, remorse, anger, and self hate.
I knew your name.
Now we’re just strangers.
I am dead.

A light flickers for five seconds.
A light goes dark.
A light shines for five seconds.
A light goes dark.
All is light, all is dark.
All is scene, all is lost.

In all the light, all I see is you.
In deepest dark, all I seek is you.
When the light blinds my eyes,
You’re what brings me sight.
When darkness steals my eyes,
You’re presence holds me tight.
Through sharpest light, and darkest night.

I'm so sick of never changing
No matter how much I pray.
This thorn in my side
never goes away.

God forgive me.

I'm so hollow.
There's nothing I can hold on to.
There's nothing inside keeping be together.
It's a bitter pill to swallow.

spit me from your mouth.
I'm the water that never quenches thirst.
Stitch my palms together,
but crucify me first.

God forgive me.

Force me to pray.
Force my lungs to scream Your name.
Force my heart to boil blood
and push the hell away from me.

I'm every broken promise
wrapped tightly inside skin.
I'm the embodiment of each and every
unforgiven sin.

Tear the flesh from my bones,
strip away all my grave clothes.
A white-washed tomb of my design
is my dark and lonely home.

God forgive me.
God forgive me.

Oh to taste your love.
Oh to feel your warmth.

My bones break as I struggle to carry a persistent weight.
Pounds on my back, increase with each breath, every step I take.
I haven’t tried to bury my past and I fear its too late
I fear its going to last.
Can I be lifted to heaven?
Is it me or the baggage Im burying?
The bride of Christ but is it me or the pain you’re marrying?
Do you love me now? How could you?
Ive been mourning for years, no use pushing down tears.
The earth still turns, but Im still here.

Is it easy to love?
Is it easy to be?
I may never know,
Swallowing that word- till I choke.

Oh to love that way,
So the world
Could not tear me away.
Will I ever live to see that day?

It’s easy to accuse.
To push away
And abuse.
My darling I’m sorry,
This is a life I did not choose.

I would give all I have
To be able to choose you.
To love you.
To need you.
I hate myself,
And that’s all I know,
It’s all I can do.

I do love you.
So it breaks my heart
I can’t take it.
Because I love you.
So deep my flesh can’t take it.

I can take a blade
It can take the scars,
It can take those pills
It can take me tearing it apart.

I pray to God,
I swear to God,
I pray to God to strengthen
My shallow heart
And let me truly love you.

God it’s been a while

How long since I prayed?
How long since I reached out?
How long since I called you
Sincerely?

You were the whisper in my head,
A light  beside my bed
The nights I wished I was dead.

So tell me.
Where does the Hope go
Every time I lift my eyelids.

When will the sensation end?
I find myself forcing breath out of my lungs.

I wake up, angry that I did.
Now I’m afraid to fall asleep.

I spent the last two years
On a leather couch
Pouring my heart out.
Week after week after week.
It makes me weak and my future
Seems no less bleak.

So can you leave me be?
‘Cause there’s no saving me.
Won’t take a doctor to see,
I’ll never be there mentally.

15 years ago I was slicing my arms
Covering up with sleeves.
I hate myself now more than I ever did
And when blood came out,
Shame seeped into me.

I’ll cut my ears off if hear that
“Life is what you make it”
This point in life I
Wish i has the guts to take it

Dress up my body,
Then just bury me.

Who am I that I deserve to share
The air with doctors, and lovers
And people worth a ****.

A bag of useless bones
Losing to manic-depression
Is all I really am.

I can’t even cry.
Has it even hit me,
That there hasn’t been,
And there still is no saving me?

I’ve grown envious of everyone,
Anyone who’s died in cruel and unusual ways.
At the hands of monsters.
Or at the hands of themselves.
I strangle myself,
Trying to do so much, as pray for the strength,
To take myself out that same way.
So I stay praying.

I’ve seen someone,
That someone is me.
In hell.
becoming a much darker version of myself.
There are moments of revisiting each and every mistake
I ever made.
Moments of perfect clarity.
I hate myself.
Then and now.
Please God, make it go away.
Or make it me, make it me who disappears.
I love You as hard as I can.
And I hate myself for it.
Every second of every day.
Do you love me?
My deepest regrets aren’t mistakes I made.
Or chances I took.
They are every breath I’ve taken post-birth.

I’m having trouble falling asleep
When I do, I am ambushed by the worst of dreams.
Lonely, lonely me.

I’m  afraid to reach my arms out
I’m terrified you may just touch.
I’m ashamed of my filth in the presence
Of the Holy One.

So I pray
Though I resist
Would you take me in your arms.
If I fall or cry or shake,
Wrap me in those arms.

I want to be one with you
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.

Keep me company
Keep me company- oh my Lord.
Like a withering rose
In winter
Comforted by the sun.

You are my shade
You are my warmth.
You are my blood
And you are my heart.

While my grave clothes fall away.
You have called me into day.
My colors start to fade
Into the portrait you will paint.

I want to be one with you.
I want to be one with you.
Let me be one with you.
I want to be one with you.

We seek shelter in a great storm
Whilst leaving flowers to await the rain.
We seek the quiet comfort
All we need is a little pain.

Bring me to life again
I’ve led myself astray
and for too long been dead.
Please bring me rain.

Wipe the scales from my eyes.
I’ve long missed the sunshine.
Every day has been a miracle.
Time at last I see the light.

Irony.

Holds me tight while the earth sinks.
How I was afraid to crumble,
But the world does around me.

At the end of the rope
It’s all suffocating me.
Deciding to loosen its grip,
Or on the other side, hang from a tree.
It’s suffocating.
Help me.
Set me free.

There’s nothing poetic about how I feel.
There’s no beauty in losing all hope.

I am just another drop in the ocean.
Just another grain of sand.
I need to be treasured.
But neediness is all I am.

How can I be humbled?
Can God see this in comedic fashion?
Can He see
That I’m all alone in this

I’ve seen You in the past
I’ve seen You through the most
But God, oh God
I just can’t see you in this.

I’m stilling holding on to this guilt and shame
Waiting to wash up on shore
And be the cleansing someone else awaits.

At least then I might be useful.

I just want to be valued
I just want to be found.
But like that sand on the beach
I’ll never make a sound.

I’ll just lay down and burn.

All aboard
For better shores.
You won’t neee ores so
All aboard.

As we set sail
Don’t forget you’re the one
Who boarded a wayward vessel.
We’ve sailed far apart
But the sea that carries you holds my heart.
All I love I gave to you
Breath from my lungs- the wind that takes you.
And now what can I do?
I can’t find a way to hate you.
My muse.

So now what?
What can I do?
Try finding ways to hate you.
Now what can I do?
Can’t captain life without you here.

It was just a dream
It was just a dream
But **** that dream was pretty.
You’re just so pretty.

What else can I do ?
I found a way to hate you.
I’m ashamed and I hate how
I’m happy where I am now.

You’ve always been my anchor.
I hope you dont always hold me down.
So sink me, my pretty wave.
As you sail away I’ll start to drown.

I’m not the pills I put in my stomach
I’m not the sickeness spilled out on the bathroom floor.
It’s so hard to admit this
But you’ll always deserve more.

I made peace with my deep rooted misery.
Without a leg to stand on
I’m a double amputee.

You look immaculate.
Without blemish on your cheeks.
So immaculate.
A perfect poem, never ending, I could never read.

I’ve been wondering
“What if the wind took me?”
Lost in a “what if a wave swept in and pulled me underneath?
Would it bring relief as it smothered me?
Would I finally be so happy I forget to breath?”

My truest dream,
Who knew you’d give me life
After I waited so long
So long for the death of me?

I’m so happy, to have ever heard you speak my name.
Let’s get lost together.
Our life a perfect picture
Dressed in a silver frame.

You look immaculate.
So immaculate.
If the world split
I’d jump the gaps
Just so I could get to you.

My heads in the clouds
I hope I never come back down.

I wish you'd have dug your nails deep into my skin until my blood warmed your hands.
I wish you ripped me in half until all my lies poured out like water for you to drink in.
Just drink it in.
Ever dreaming of crumbling into your arms and feeling sorry for staining your shirt.
Let my inconsistencies, my failures, my lies, and insecurities evaporate into the sun.
I wasn't lying when I said you'd hold that piece of my heart.
The courage to set myself on fire as evaded me.
No matter the pain, it'd be poetic justice to feel the sting of death and letting the grave hold its victory.
Which would you be?
The matches or the gasoline?

You could call me a coward
Since I've been too scared to sleep,
Both when the sun is shining
And then when it leaves.

Call me a liar
While trapped in a snow globe
You waited till your lips turned blue
since the winter is all we have left to cling to.

Call me a hypocrite
Say I look just "like this"
Show me a caged bird
With both wings clipped.

Eyes like the spring,
Hands like summer
With a heart like autumn
And all I want is the snow.

I couldn't hold on
As my hands withered away.
I couldn't give a single thing.
All I did was take.

Watch from a distance as I wither away.
Smile as you stand six feet above my face.
If I make it to heaven, I'll just wait.
Waiting for our souls to collide, but for now I'm just dead weight.

My soul sits shackled to you.
I'm a slave that can't serve his purpose.

I can't change what's been done
And even so much as yesterday I'm
Surrounded by a chorus of "what if"s
And when I reminisce I think;
"Ignorance is bliss"

When that sunset
I remember your oven hands on mine.
I remember it was far from bliss
You missed your goodbye kiss
Because you hit my cheek
Instead of my lips.
while my stomach does backflips
I either stutter or my words skip
My tongue tripped
Or at least that's what I'll say.

My best excuse
Is just my next excuse.
Forgive me my muse,
For I know not what I do.

I need you to know that
The voices in my head
Won't rest but they'll sleep
When I'm dead.
They've kept me going
All these months.
Because I know they aren't done.
They stay with me
They lay with me.
They lesson me each time
That you've beckoned me.

So where am I to go
When I've buried the past
But our God raises the dead so
It's a grave that never lasts.
Is the present worth running too
When I can stay where I'm at?
I know forgiveness waits for me
I just forget to ask.

Maybe you'll take 2 years
Or two more on top
But eventually I'll be
Another scar that you forgot.
I'll be the ring around your finger
That you don't know how you got.

When that sun set
I remember your oven hands couldn't find
The strength to make me stay.
But it was the last night you were mine.

My Muse,
If I were told I had one more night
Just one more for the rest of my life
And it was to be a night with you,
What would I do?

With this last night
I'd hold onto you tight
And take in the feel of your warm skin.
I'd close my eyes
Begin to fight
And beg the world to stay where it is.

Nothing of lust
Nothing impure
I'd just take in your scent
And pray I never forget.

Every night after
I'd lie to myself
And close my eyes
And imagine I'm back there.
But I can never go back there.

My only wish is that I knew
When my last night was with you.

Kerosene and nicotine
Slowly burns away all memory.
I've never felt more comfortable,
Than
when I found our home was flammable.

You are in the ash
And the dirt
You are alive in everything I touch

Did I dream I let you dig our grave,
While I lie in the dirt, sleep and wait.

How does love pass by
Like wind through our fingers?
And do we intend on changing it?
Or am I to live in regret?

You're still more than the ashes and the dirt.

Even in this, you're everything .

I've grown so tired of feeling content.
Everything must leave eventually,
So when will you arrive
to pull out these weeds?
I'm holding on for dear life
I've been given reason to live
I've been given reason to care
I've been given reason to fight
To search for a will somewhere to survive.

It's this that makes me fear the misery will soon follow in its place.
No rain, no rainbow, but does the storm follow after?
I'm asking in quite desperate fashion
If misery truly loved company,
Why am I waiting to be alone?

I needed more of you
And instead I've taken a lover in poisons.
What chance do I stand against the truths of life?
That of a one winged bird, a one armed man fighting against the current.
I'm asking you to follow me home.
Overtake me.
Pull me into the ocean
And for once let me know peace.

I don't believe this is real.
I want so badly to believe this is real.

A fire burns on a moonlit beach
The sand still burns from the sun.
It is as if watching from a distance
My only source of light, of sight,
The flame of which I fix my gaze.

Inhale me like the smoke it emits
Breathe deep and dream of brighter days.
Is that sun one of legend?
Was I ever warm?
I've never forgotten the cold.
So much so I could see my own breath,
Even that is seen in the air
Only to disappear in seconds.

It was all a vivid dream
that felt so real.
So close I could reach out
And touch the heat,
In a sense I could grasp the smoke.

Reality has been twisted
And history rewritten
Fore I was once smoke
But Ive since faded into the night.
Could I ever feel the fire?
Can the heat warm my hands?
No. I feel nothing but cold.

The dream is dead.
I never existed.

Can you stop a heart on fire?
Well mines been burning for yours.
If I take all the hands off every clock
Would time stand still in us?

Now that I've lost my voice
You are the new song that I sing
You are in everything,
My greatest joy.

Let us float along together
Disregard all our deepest fears
I'd waste away each moment
Wasting time with you.

When the sun shines it shines
When it rains it pours
You hear every word i can't speak
I'm still hanging on all of yours.

I dream a new dream.
And you are my sweetest love,
You are the feeling of rain
Dancing, racing, winding on my skin.

You're in everything.

I tried to be the hero
Just for the sake of praise and purpose
I tried.
I said the right things and stood on my platform with pride.
That fall, that fear, the days, weeks, months, roll by.
I am nothing.
Nothing but a rat digging its nest in the walls of a home because he doesn't have his own.
Who am I now?
I am no one.
I am the ******* of an otherwise loving God.
I am the blizzard before spring.
I am the frostbite that only causes pain.
The end to the flowers, grass, and trees.
I am death.
At least I thought I was.
But I've begged for death since that April day and she won't come.
She won't come to visit and she won't come to stay.
That's why death is like my best friends.
Here for the funeral and gone the next day.
I plead for this to be a dream.
I've been afraid to make it.
And I have been afraid to be alone.
No I am not a rat, nor death, nor a hero.
I am a coward.

Strange it seems
I would've given it all up
For making endless
Highway memories.

Strange it seems
How quickly My brothers
Became my enemies.
Where is the bullet?
Put the gold over my eyes
And make me, a memory.
Set me free.

From trance to trance
I'd give it all soar
To waste away
And nothing more.

So long as we're in it together again.

I see that wasn't the plan for me.
A vessel with a vagrant heart
But wooden feet
with roots.
Rip me from the ground, tear my legs apart.
Cut me open.
If I can't travel sea to shining sea,
Burn me down, let this be the end of me.

I was a place to be called home.
I was safe and secure.
The darkness had other plans instead.
Burrowing it's way inside my head.
I can't be a slave to sickness till the day I'm dead.
But that's what you'll all think  to help yourselves sleep at night.
Stars replaced by endless streetlights.
That's what you tell yourself,
While I'm still burning out, loud and bright.

If I'm really meant to be alone
Then I wish I'd just become a ghost.
Time wouldn't feel so hurried
And I'd get to see how you feel when your eyes are closed.

If I'm really meant to be a ghost
Then I wonder if they miss me.
I wonder if I haunt them
Or if they pretend they were dreaming.

If they were meant to miss me
I wonder do they really?
I wish I was dreaming with them
And the sky was our ceiling.

If they really do,
Then how did everything crumble,
How was I left for dead
Whyd they leave me when I stumbled?

If it was meant to crumble
Then I hope to see the good in this.
I know there's a reason,
But from my perspective, I can't see it.

If there is good in this
Then I hope I can shed
All this dead skin while they're happy.
And I'm wishing I were dead.

Sometimes it's hard to wake up.
It even open my eyes and face reality
Sometimes, oh, sometimes

It's still hard to find a reason for living
Still hard to find a reason to stay clean.

But I believe there's a loving God who's looking down on me.
He's looking down and He's smiling.
Death won't hold you as tight as He will.

I don't know what you're going through
You don't know what you can make it through.
All I can say, is that I'm right here.

You see,
You are like a dandelion seed
Taken away in the breeze
By some kid wishing for world peace
But I'm that stem left selfishly waiting
For your peace in me.

And every time I hear church bells ring
I swear I'm hearing you sing
A little bird with two broken wings
Who flew on the back of this eagle to pick you up off of your feet.

But I flew too far from where you'd want to be
I made you fly when you just wanted to swing
With a chill in your spine
And the clatter of your teeth
I want to be the coat the keeps you warm,
The skin that holds your bones beneath.

But this isn't an insect waiting for pretty wings
It's a soaring eagle who can't feel a thing.
Now you can't feel the wind beneath and you've lost your voice so the world can't hear the song that you sing.

She was just an old woman.
Just like any other I'd ever seen.
But for the first time in my life
I saw a beauty and the details
of what surrounded me.

I can't tell you what voice told me to reach out but I helped this woman.
Something to small and so benign.

"I wish there more out there like you"
She said
Ma'am if only you knew.
If you knew the reason I'm in this bookstore
If you knew the reason I'm in this town, this place at all.
If only you could see past your clearance shelf books and see what monster stands beside you.

God bless you she says.
Her words made me choke, both choke in and choke up.
I wish I could say this is all made up.

You see the reason I'm here
Is because I'm fighting the urge not to die
I'm fighting these feelings of wanting  to get high.

Ma'am if you knew that I'm hear seeking the only friend I have left,
that I'm so desperate for acceptance right now because my life and my plans and my dreams are upside down.

So here I am.
At the end of me.
Ma'am if only you knew.
But the reason I was here
Was to buy 2 books costing as much as the 6 you took.
Ma'am I wish YOU knew how your words shook.
And if I never see you again I hope you got home safe.
I hope you sleep well and dream
I hope my deed and my "god bless you miss" was more than it seemed.
Because I didn't stay to talk,
I didn't tell you you're beautiful.
I didn't tell you anything.
But did my Lord?
Of this I am sure.
I should've told you that you're loved
I should've helped you to your car.
Just Something meaningful
Not so subpar.

Ma'am if only you knew
What I've done to get here.
But I walked away from that store
And I softly and most surely knew
I was at that bookstore, for you.

Dear Weary Soul

Dear weary soul
I hope you know
That my arms are open
Whenever you decide to come back home.
Though you wander and you leave
I'll be the shade to aid your eyes when the sun makes you too blind to see.
Even when you feel like your drowning
You never really sink
I'll hold your head above water until your legs can kick.

There is a love
But it's buried
There is a hope pushed too far down for you to know.
But when you lift your chin from your chest you'll see

I'm still here waiting.

Dear lonely soul
I know it feels like forever
Since you've felt alive
I'll breathe into your lungs for you
And be the air under your arms
Until you learn to fly.
I'll be that goodnight kiss
When you cry yourself to sleep
And I'll be the hand the pulls you out
When you've dug yourself too deep.

Why so downcast oh my soul?

Just tell me you won't go.
Promise me that you won't let go.
That I'm still the apple of your eye
Even when I only pray
For the strength to die.

Oh empty soul
I can tell you it gets better
But I know you still aren't there.
But you aren't just stuck inside an empty body
But I know each scar inside and out and I counted every hair.
Won't you run away with me?
Won't you trust in me?
Why can't you seem to leap
Close your eyes and breath deep,
Let go and fall.
Let go and fall.

You are not a ghost.
You are never alone.
No bag of bones with a spirit,
But a vessel for your soul.

Hold on to me
You're all I have

Ive been choking
On all the words I've had to eat.
Dining on each failed attempt at perfection
And still haven't gotten to the meat.
Will I just repeat, repeat?
Will I sit in the same seat and accept I'm
Meant to turn cheeks
Until the back hand that beats me decided to cease?

I haven't known true love
Unless love is walking out and burning bridges, the very bridges that can bring me back to town.
My growing understanding of life
leaves me with more questions than answers and my dearest wisdom, is to admit that I'm weak.
Idle peace talk cuts deep.
When I know it's not what you mean.
Bowing out gracefully.
But where was that grace for me?


Been Suffocating in my sleep
I'm drowning in my dreams
Let me think this was me
When I woke up your hands were choking me.


I can't make sense of the bitterness and spite of those who have taken my mistakes and used them as a way to use my back to rest their knives.
I lost my fire to a passing wind and left my ghost in the shell of my passion. If I should find it again, I must ask then:
What do I do with the remnants of broken glass when I've held on so long my hands have gone numb? I stared through at my clear path and couldn't see the blood dripping from my hands.
So while I sleep I'll let your love slip your vines around me. Take me to the garden,
Bound my hands and tie me to this great tree, this great tree that was once just a ****.
I fell so fast but you weren't the branch that saved me, but instead you broke my fall and set me free.

Suffocating in my sleep
I'm drowning my dreams.
Lost the strength to breathe.
Fingers crossed this is the death of me.


So where are we when all you speak is a prerecorded message stuck on repeat?
Once you wake from your dreams will you see that you've burned the very bridge beneath your feet? My heart longs for love but the love you hold is like that of a vase.
Once a flower begins to wither, you cut it out and have it replaced.
Here's a toast to the lives you'll save.
A toast to all the things you chase.
Here's a toast to image you embrace
And to the God you've grown to dismiss and show distaste.
Here's to the end of me.
Here's to your dreams.

I was seduced by emptiness and void because I was afraid to be whole.

If we find true love's soul in the next life
When it's time to unite.
I'll go untwined
I'll still be lonely

I've tried to talk to god but i think He stopped listening.
The same way I feel I tried to talk to my father but he already decided he was leaving.
So where do I go when my two fathers don't bother while I'm drowning in white water waiting for rescuing. Waiting for your hands to pick this boy up and say "son, I'm never leaving, never leaving again"
Father did you kiss me good night each night before you left to kiss your lover goodbye? Did you care if it was kind? Did you know the broken mess you'd leave behind?
My god is like my divorced father because I only talk to him on Sunday. After days of feeling ignored like a buey in the waves. My earliest memories of crawling into bed with you to keep warm and feel safe. Those memories are over two decades old and they still won't fade.
I remember my laughter every time I sat on your lap and you're tickle bug bit me till I thought my lungs would collapse, until I thought "this can last for ever" but that didn't happen.
You left a wife, a son, and a teenage daughter and left us all feeling like you'd never want us. Do you miss it at all?
Do you miss the snowball fights and cuddling your little boy to sleep at night?
My only memories of you and I are ones I tried to pull back because they make me wanna cry. Was the mistake your infidelity or was it me? Because you chose one and I believe it wasn't me. You were my king.
You left me to rule my life with this disease. A fear of abandonment and intimacy. And now how am I supposed to love? I can't see the forest through the trees, but maybe im blind so I can't see, anything. How could you do this to me?
Was my love, my smile, myself not enough? You had to take my heart too and break it along with all your old stuff.
I may never let go of my angry heart because even when I try to talk to God I wonder if His lover calls.
Will I ever be enough?
So when I say I can't love it's the fear you instilled in me. Like a needle shot into my arm to swim in my blood, I wish your love would swim in me. Definitely, intimately, swim with me. Infinitely.
Because I never learned to swim and I'm drowning saying Father save me. But night after night for twenty years slowly my childhood fears come to life.
Blood from our backs on the tip of your knife, dad why?
Why couldn't you turn around and lay back with your wife?

You're never coming home are you? No. You're never coming home.
You say you're just a stones throw
Well how do you know?
We don't know how far my tiny arms can throw,
What we know is I am prone to be alone
With mountains of sticks and stones
Laid on top of my broken bones.
And these words hurt me
"We are a broken home,"
And I'm just afraid to be alone.

We gave you our love
And you took it out of our home.
We gave you our hearts
And you away you drove.
I gave you my love.
You never got it in your head.
I gave you my heart
And you took it into her bed.

Dear dad, these demons, they're haunting me

If believed enough so that I could cross the Red Sea
Even still i wouldn't realize a dream.
Even then I'd still be empty.
Smashed into mustard dust barely reminiscent of a mustard seed
I fall apart and as my limbs fall off and I bleed,
I'm not sure what love I need.
Maybe if I cut my skin wide enough to see what I'm made of so when the blood empties and I fail to breathe I'll finally know the peace I seek.
So don't try to save me dear friend because this life raft I was forced onto is just tossed around by each wave that comes my way, while the ship that contains my love, my loss, and my desire and dreams sails away, and my skin burns more and more with each passing day.
My home is still where my heart is but I'd much rather be heartless. I'd rather have a knife stay in my back and be used as a moving target. I'd rather never live another dream because they'll never get as large as ours get.
Do you want me now?
Could you love me now,
Now that I'm alone?
Thank you for giving my life purpose for that short of a time and thank you for at least being fake enough for me to not feel I had something to hide. And the slap on the face cut me deep but it's a scar I can wear With pride. I've got nothing left, and nothing left to hide.

Could you see my light and see my  face the same way you now see yours and mine has now dulled and flickered away.
From a tremendous flame to a firefly slowly blinking his flame, his last days.
Are we all destined to live amongst the monsters that feed upon the weak and live amongst the night? Are we all destined for this same black or am I alone without a match to spark a final light? Was I always destined to be left out to sort my damage alone in the cold.
That's how it feels as I'd rather know death because this cold is thicker than winter and I see my own breath.
So how can I wander when I know not which way Is right and left.

Catch me as I tumble down.
You didn't reach out.
Not even after the wave crashed over me and the ocean floor stopped my fall.
I guess that's the closest thing to love I have after all.
Did you watch me climb just to watch my collapse?
I'll hold my breath under water and wait for more bodies to plummet and fall.
Misery loves company after all.
Maybe it's best if I rip out my finger nails and teeth and dig myself a shallow, salty grave underneath.
That way the world will have its excuse as to way they never came to visit me.
Do you want me now?
Could you love me now?
We all just fall to pieces and fade away

Who are you
O robber of my softened heart?
Be still and know
You've got me paralyzed with love
From head to toe.
Once so solid, if I sought to swim
My heart would sink my chest like a heavy stone.
I'm waiting to wake in a cage.
I'm waiting to awake.
The way I hear you breath with my head against your chest.
Our lungs in perfect symmetry.
Set me on fire so I'll know if I'm dreaming.
I want to stop breathing.
If I died I'd know this unfamiliar feeling,
To be true or another temporary peace,
An eye of the storm my life remains until complete.
Bring my closer to complete.

I'm waiting to feel the fingers that hold my heart
Tighten their grip as the rip every makeshift stitch.
And I'll bleed out knowing it was always your hands, the cleanest hands, the most patient, truest hands, pure down to the sweat glands.

Just wake me up, this can't be real.
It's never been real, it's never real.
Cut me now so I can start to heal.
Sow me up with regret and pain
So I can experience your grace
When I'm too numb to feel the rain.