when i was younger,
afternoons meant screaming matches;
sorry, i mean screaming
lectures, maybe
or sessions
never matches-
we were never allowed to reply
or she'd scream louder and
louder.

i grew up ashamed.
ashamed of my body
ashamed of my personality
ashamed of my quirks and ticks
ashamed of what made me, me
i hated them.
i wanted to strip them away,
peel off my skin,
bleach my face,
burn my hands,
remove anything
that made me her target.
to this day, i still
hold out hope
that i may one day
stop hating myself.

crying was a weakness
unworthy of comfort
i have no memory
of being comforted
or held
just
alone
my pillow and my stuffed animals
for company
oh, how i longed to be held
just once
just for a moment,
someone to hold me up
when i couldn't breathe.

she used to tell us
the reason she screamed so loudly
was because she had tried, in the past
to speak softly.
apparently, we never listened.

i don't remember her
ever speaking evenly
i don't remember a day
without screams
(oh the screams)
filling the house, my mind
and even if she had tried so hard
to be quiet with us, and failed,
aren't mothers supposed to be patient,
even if the children do not listen?

i hated the way she would scream, yes
but more than that i hated
the way she would tower over me
face inches from mine,
eyes alight with what i could only
describe as
pure hatred
the image still haunts me
i'm still scared of her eyes, sometimes.

she gets so mad, sometimes.
i'm convinced she is not aware,
she does not remember
the things she says
when she is taking out her anger
on me.
a blind rage.
isn't that all i am?
an outlet for her anger?
the antagonist to her lead character?
the useless child she has to drive to school
for two more years?
will i ever be anything but
the result of years of anger?
the target of her mockery?
the recipient of her insults?
will i ever be more than
ugly
*****
disgusting
manipulative
evil
fat
stupid
dumb
unca­ring
unloving
ungrateful
a monster
a brat
a demon
a pig
an animal
boring
antisocial
timid
unlikeable
unwanted?

i have only ever known her to be sharp
harsh
disgusted with anything i do
that's why it hurts
when she gives me brief hugs,
smiles,
tells me she only screams
because she loves me
because i know
her intentions are pure
if her actions
are knives slotted between
my ribs.

i wish you knew
the way i sit in my room,
drifting, gazing at the ceiling,
headphones slipping down my ears,
thinking of you
listening to songs
that remind me of you

it's dark outside
shadows dance on my popcorn ceiling
i wonder
how it would feel
if you were with me,
lying next to me,
breathing in each others' air
feeling each others' warmth

the room is still
my digital clock blinks two am
my skin remembers
the brush of your fingers
the softness of your hair
my heart remembers
the way your soul looks
when you smile at me

would you stay?
would you hold my hand?
would you drift with me?
would you smile at me,
that smile that melts my insides
ever so gently?
would you love me
the same way i love you?

broken earbuds and
torn-up hightops and
dented dreams of a better life,
i long to find myself
in the words i write and the images i see
in the dark, in the moment
before i lose myself to sleep

my blurry eyes
find the outline of the stars, shining
and bright even as I
fight to stay awake.

what will i dream tonight?

what if i died in my sleep?
what if i died weeks from now? months?
have i seen all i was ever going to see?
do i know all i was ever going to know?
have i dreamt all i was ever going to dream?
have i lived all i was ever going to live?

maybe i was never fated to eat breakfast tomorrow morning
maybe i was never fated to read the questions on my test tomorrow
maybe i was never fated to hear the cheers of my classmates at our graduation
maybe i was never fated to walk the halls of a college campus
maybe i was never fated to meet the one person I could spend my life with
maybe i was never fated to hold my child in my arms
maybe i was never fated to see the top of mount everest
maybe i was never fated to witness the death of stars
maybe i was never fated to dive the depths of the ocean
maybe i was never fated to watch the sun rise a thousand times

but maybe i was

if i could do anything
be anything

you'd find me way up with the clouds
i'd be a fearsome sight!
all tawny-brown, white-speckled feathers backlit by a rising sun
oh yes, the dream of my childhood
was to have wings
was to fly

unstoppable, i'd
soar in a low-pressure sea of blue
my wingtips carving clouds
into the most beautiful sculptures

adrenalin, epinephrine
sixty miles an hour
rising,
              diving,
rising,
              diving,
loop-de-loops and barrel rolls
death-defying stunts
blink and you'll miss me

i'd drift so gently
so effortlessly
free to move
with the stratosphere as my stage
each powerful beat of my wings
lofting me higher, faster, higher

looking down,
everything so small below my
dangling feet
giant leaps
from treetop to roof to treetop
wings casting the prettiest of shadows
long feathers feeling the wind ebb and flow

my back aches with longing, sometimes.
you can never really be rid
of the dreams you conceive at twilight
the dreams you imagine with a young mind
in my dreams, i can fly.

my heart is a violin
with too many strings

play my heartstrings
let your fingers pull my emotions
rest your hand on the back of my neck
i cannot make anything beautiful on my own
but sweetheart you can make me sing so softly

hold me close
dear i'll always love you
feel my skin, polished-smooth
warm under your hands
and know i'm yours

calm my frazzled strings
soothe my worn-out pegs,
drawn tighter and tighter and tighter
straining so deeply to hold
the strings in place
let me cling to you
let me take solace and peace
for but a few moments

my heart is a violin with too many strings,
played by too many people
my strings have been drawn taught
my body has grown tired
my music has grown dull
but with your gentle hands
encompassing the surface of my heart
i can learn to trust again
i can learn to sing again
and sweetheart i can sing so sweetly
for you

whispers are just words in black and white,
so let your voice fill my ear with sepia-tone
paint my skin monochrome
let your words tint my blood with white-out
and my skin with ink.

touch my hair
and rub the colors of your heart
onto my split ends
like hair dye from a discount store,
stain my face
press your dyed fingertips
into the hollows of my cheeks,
because they lack color.

let your gaze
cast honeyed light on my shoulders
let it warm my freezing fingers
let it thaw my frostbitten lungs,
make my elbows lighten
with the heat of your palms
imprint the spaces between my ribs
with the marks of your fingers
like puzzle pieces, meant to fit together.