The words you whispered
from the lips that kissed her
sparked a romantic essence.

The skin you touched
knew nothing such,
for it was that of an ever unique presence.

The words you whispered
left her heart blistered;
contrary to actions that you displayed.

The skin you touched
feels nothing much,
for only the print where your hand was stayed.

And the lady you charmed,
left abandoned and harmed,
lies numb in the tears that you carelessly drew...

As you skip away with your romance anew.

dissipated and disillusioned worms eating through the last splinters of the rotting universal wood.

the last transmission of regret sent electronically, spluttered,
into a tissue; in a moment of self indulgent *******.

live showings of vicious execution, transmitted directly from the electromagnetic waves into the alpha waves of the young and naive. Desensitization, the last drops of humanity into complete disengagement.

endlessly recycled bohemian ideologies whispered into the ear of the eager idealist. spreading like fire, before burning out into the uncatchable reverie up with the stars, with all the other reveries, shining bright, intangible.

Instant dismissal from the old man, as the big curtain draws. Cynicism and fragmented past, falling on apathetic eyes, a proud man treat with a padded hand. faux sympathetic tones, blushing cheeks on old bones.

Begging with your body crumbling to dust with the disinterested doc, looking at the clock counting the milliseconds to the paycheck. Decomposing until you can be swept under the perpetual rug with the rest, Vacuum.

A Haiku:

A child saw a man
dead, hanging from the gallows:
"He missed a letter."

Hook:
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Poisoning how we think.
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Gotta be careful what ya drink.

Verse 1:
Uh, Seems like we always in a state of emergency,
In a land of democracy,
Things don’t seem free to me.
It’s like trying to wash our hands in ***** water, g.
Everything has a cost, so tell who going to pay the fee?
It certainly not going to be the dominant society.
For the system was build by and for white people to have superiority.
That demonizes anyone that doesn’t conform to their authority.
Spreading a sense of inferiority over natives and minorities.
And I’m not just talking historically, because these issues persist presently.
Change can’t happen unless one is willing to **** the teet of the majority.
For we live in world that separates based off of hierarchy.
That strips down and overgeneralizes our identities.
Then when one overcomes these disparities they are seen as the unordinary.
The exception to the rule,
Like *** is that supposed to mean?
Think I’m about to lose my sanity, dealing with an uneducated narrow minded humanity.
In a state bombarded with atrocity after atrocity,
Yet people have the audacity to tell us to get over it instantly.
Living in a democracy that doesn’t have time to listen to me,
Living in a world where history repeats,
Perhaps I guess we just can’t get enough of insanity.
It just doesn’t make sense to me?
I thought we were supposed to be evolved,
Yet be so devolved mentally.
Like how can indigenous people asking for clean water cause so much controversy?
For if your province or city didn’t have access to clean water, wouldn’t you worry?
Wouldn’t you start protesting firmly?
All I ask is that yawl start checking your privilege homie.

Hook:
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Poisoning how we think.
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Gotta be careful what ya drink.

Verse 2:
Water is the foundation to survival,
Water can also be a philosophical symbol,
For we all thirst for something,
It’s like we are cursed or something.
Being immersed into desensitization,
Becoming numb to everything.
Needing to wash away what is obstructing.
Blocking the path towards transformation.
As established norms perpetuates discrimination.
Whilst also justifying racism and condemnation.
I didn’t choose to born,
But yet that some how qualifies me for damnation.
Because my skin colour is seen as being sinful, that needs to be put through sanitation.
Becoming guilty on the basis of association.
Which makes it harder to find the equation.
As everyone has different values, beliefs and expectations for how to fix this situation.
***** water sure is a contamination,
Thats been leaking out since creation.
That has divided not just people but also nations.
If only people could be mature when having these debates and conversations.
Instead of suffocating on our offence,
Or wallowing within a sense of victimization.
****, this ***** water sure has damaged how we function.

Hook:
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Poisoning how we think.
***** water all through these streets,
***** water poisoning what we eat,
***** water flooding the mind,
Gotta be careful what ya drink.

The dialogue,
The volume,
The content..
It gets better right?

The petty,
The put-downs,
Vocal *****...
Too often why I'm up at night.

Egocentrism,
Carelessness,
And Irresponsibility.
Yet I'm the sewer rat not living up to my ability.

The toxic street withers me,
Too much debt to free,
I can predict the machines' actions almost constantly.

The happenings follow me,
What I see hollows me,
Will I ever emerge from this filth triumphantly?

It's the insanity I wake up to,
The vanity and the same stew.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what I have to go through.

It's grown ever-plain to see,
This isn't the way, that life should be,
But it's tossed onto the pile I've simply named "the pain in me."

No luminosity around to save selves,
Violent sound waves bounce off of every shelf.
Through these waters I have delved,
But no life-preserver,
No help.

I am unable to manipulate,
I'm just part of the tracks.
Desensitization's turned me from an alley cat,
To sewer rat,
Just by being exposed.
So I crawl through these tunnels with nothing but hope,
That there's a way I can go back..
Reverse the de-evolution I suppose,
And return to a world I thought I knew with humanity.
'Til then I scrape on living a life, transparently.

side effects of this drug may also include:
     feelings of depression
     feelings of anxiety
     desensitization
     unconsciousness
     insentience
     the sudden want of the inevitable to become uncertain

The crisis around the world shows
The most humanistic qualities we pose
The desensitization and ruins of peoples' innocence
We douse our money, power, and glory in the hands
Of a cold metal pistol, that barrels out to strike you down
The cool air whispers out the truth when you've taken your last breath
Knowing there is something more after death
You release yourself from this radioactive cage
You realize how close death hits home, and threatens
To break your fragile arteries
It's not the idea but the principal of humanism
We call ourselves human, more powerful
Above Nature's canvas and her life
We dwell in a place where we think we make the most out of things
Before Time decides where you shall lay
We are weak and powerful
We decide when it is right to fight
But when the casualties are written on one's arm
We decide to leave the world
A bloodier mess

We live in times of blind acceptance,
absorbing all things possible through
technology.

Loving the options, we scroll through
aisles of the same final product,  
advertised through a  different
touch of what is perceived as genuine,
or discounted;

all wanting a better outcome for
anything that will benefit
the me--

the end leaving us before
the one true requirement--
that human beings rely on;
the idea of what it is that
pushes us towards being accepted,
acknowledged….
Loved.

and here I stand;

I know nothing,
and disregard all attachment.

Whatever it is that makes me,
wants something
to prove,
and I care nothing for
proving myself to anyone.

I would rather die for someone
else, than learn to die for myself.

ahahha.
Humanity,
More like a circus ring
of counterfeit conformity
we continuously
jump through;

rings of discernment that have only one
surviving outcome--
to acknowledge truth,
or find demise in disregard

let us all become one, through our
desire to be perceived as someone
who ceases judgment upon the world,
and inside the mirrored mind
behind the eye.

Oh yes,
let the wave of ego
cause the most ultra turbulence,
tossing and crashing all the
choices we engrave into stone.

absorbing the chaos of what it
means to be human.

and yet we are also the generation
who is best at neglecting,
and even better at diversion, so let
us live on in the desensitization
of consequence,

ignoring the constant feeling
of conviction, and condemnation,
when enlightenment waits patiently
within the search for wisdom.

We can accept, or neglect
the creation.
For fear understood is often the
answer to longevity.

Your rose colored glasses make everything okay

Until the shades blend
and you're seeing red again

There will always be a point
where filters deliver their ***** backwash
and you're left with the mess the elephant made
in the corner of the room
and he's rubbing your nose in it

He's rubbing your nose in it

I know I am only beer goggle beautuful
A latex layer of desensitization
to try and make our crash last longer

And you see in hues
of rising shades of deadly
Miss my blushing
so you don't realize
how uncomfortable this is making me

But you're smelling roses
Feel the thorn's *****
but miss the blood on your hands

Wonder why the roses suddenly smell so coppery

Please let us learn how to peel back the layers

Flay me like a whale
on a boat-deck-cutting-board

Pull me out of my element
and peel back my skin
while I am still begging you not to

See me for who I am
while I am at my most vulnurable

writing poetry at 2 am
when I should be sleeping

A t-shirt over a lamp shade
because I am afraid to sleep alone in the dark

The door cracked so I can hear if my father falls again

Sometimes silence scares me
Sometimes it is all I want

Right now it is so quiet
There are no filters here

Your rose colored glasses make everything okay

Everything is not okay

Flay me

See me for who I am

without any filters

Then tell me you still love me

Often the news gives me the blues
I really ought to choose
to simply refuse
I mean really, what will I lose

Schadenfreude?
no that isn't it
truth is stranger than fiction
more like a fascination with the surreal
or a blinded  self-affliction with the scroungy real deal

Talking heads  that speak for work
punctuate sentences with erratic  head jerks
nobody normal talks that way, they ask  rhetorical questions
when the answer's are known, they’re killing time
“rephrase the question, run the clock  out
a commercial will spare us the embarrassment of doubt.”

Take’s a special person to face each new day
with zillions of prying eyes  hanging on every word you say
the mendicant voyeurs  of utter destruction’s  charming new  day
the slashing  machete melt down of the abject speakers foray
"Oh say, can you see  by the dawns early light"
What's become of your people  and their obsession with fright
desensitization  is paramount  to  achieve  an abeyance of light

Frankenfoods, and "side affects" hideous monsters in the making
high resolution mayhem require victims for the taking
awaking half-dead like Dracula’s  each dusk
they'll find a cure, there's another vaccine, there’s always dumb luck
maybe you won't be the sucker that makes that dreadful scene
bludgeon your mind with a another  faker, a different fresh  news team
fobbing  your leery eyes you ponder “they can’t  possibly all be  the same!”
different day, different month, different  year, same game

You gave me hope.
You showed me magic.
You helped me believe
in fairy tales, mermaids, and dreams.
At the same time
you gave me
an unrealistic idea
of what True Love is supposed to be.
You showed me misery,
pain, loss, suffrage, Death.
Even the resurrection of a princess.
I got the best kind of reality check
when we lost Her
and knew we'd never get her back.
You gave me innocence.
Then prepared me for the day
when it'd be taken away.
So I wasn’t surprised by it.
So I'd hit the ground running.
Running towards that
Hopefully somewhat Happily Ever After
and Far Far Away
from that Once upon a time...
Yours is the art
of subtle, sensitive, desensitization.
And I'm thankful for it.
Thankful I got
the subliminal message.
“Innocence doesn’t last forever kid.
Life is full of pain
and dark, foreboding woods.
Happiness can never be eternal.
It would lose it's meaning
and the light at the end of the tunnel
would just fade into the tunnel”

What have I done?
what's happening to me?
Am I diseased with
the sickness that's infiltrating
the whole nation

A nation of pill popping zombies
that has addicted itself
to the loophole
of "a pill for happiness"
"a pill for desensitization"
"a pill for nerves"
"a pill for life"?

Why have we become a generation of junkies
whose drug is legal
inflicted on us
but degree holding powers
because "they know better"?

Is it normal for humans like me and you
who feel
who see
who taste
who hear
who smell
to be controlled by a singular button
to be confined to a manifesto
of the "latest trend"

Are we all hypnotized
into morphing into the
"perfect body"
"10 ways to get smarter"
"look like this, don't eat"
is it a blueprint set by a superpower
to transform us to identical robots
to make it easier to control us?

Are we slowly walking down the path
of being identical?
Are we losing the only essence of what makes us human?
Are removing our imperfections
and surgically implanting
"my lips should be like this"
"my thigh gap is a must"
"my brain should have a set of guidelines"

What has become of us?
I pity the fish that
flow with the current
I cry over the youth today
I mourn the artists
of yesteryears
I grieve with the widowers
of lost souls

There's still hope
or so I try to believe
and encourage
the dying breed
of
perfectionists
the humble ones
those whose kisses only
land on lips
and not
*****

Life seems to pass them by.
the Watchers, sitting behind their closed gates
gazing out at the world.
Their faces a front simply reacting to the social stimulus,
never truly grasping an emotion, yet watchers come and go
like a state of mind, simply a shield, a mask
to protect the inner workings of ones mind, only a defense mechanism.
The radical desensitization of the senses.
It was a sad night, a gathering appeared mourning the passing of life.
Flood gates opened and watchers spilled out, the hurt, the pain
calling them.
That day Watchers  were the norm, a masquerade of life
only no one was "alive" that day, instead
a stone wall was erected and a sign was put up that read
"STAY OUT!". I was there, amidst the gathering looking out at the different faces etched in stone, all eroding as they weep streams of intoxication, it was only after that night that i realized i too collapsed,
forcing a guise over my emotions
but not so i could hide my tears
I was terrified
the laughter was hollow
the sockets were filled with sodden eyes, blood shot and tired.
The night was filled with unrelenting laughter
echoing through the luminescent city night
and so harrowing was the icy joy
i felt the buildings shudder.
I could not think, i could not act!
My frustration seeping through the stone disguise upon my face.
I sought refuge
from the cold stares and transparent grins
and fled to the streets
walking briskly along to a single street lamp
and there i collapsed, unable to breath through
this facade around my closed eyes
laughter echoing through the night
this wont do
why do i fear the stares of life?
in the distance the laughter has subsided
they are alive
yet they fear death
constantly walking in line towards the door out
is this why i am so terrified?
is this why we desire to watch?
to let life leave us be?
i breath in the cool night air
the stone, clinging to my fear, my desires
turns to dust and breaks away.
Understanding, the pain, the anguish
Understanding fear, i fear the stares no longer
because i see, in their eyes
divine, fear.
standing up
i feel the tension
they are denying it
they are hiding from it
I'll be there in the fear
to help ease the pain
and in return i hope for the same.
walking back i let the laughter
life my spirits, hollow or not
it doesn't matter
I'm with family.

The time is comming
all muslims will be pushed out of their western suburban lives. The mass forced exodus will begin. Pushed out of thier homeland pushed back in and doubled. I see devastation on the massess. There are too many western countries.  Too many peoples to even lay a debt big enough. 140 souls compared to billions,  5000, to billions in all a nothing. 1.2million lost each year to car accidents alone and nothing changes.  Death is inevitable.  Many live it every day. Desensitization to humanity will transform the tender compassion into concrete perceptions of evil. The big business boys will still be big business boys. The poor and the innocent are the only to suffer. When the final division is made
The darkness will win. The peace of Islam completely shattered. For now Islam bleeds as the Christian Matyrs sing hallelujah Jesus is coming! for now is the end of days. The good suffer at the hands of evil as the custom demands and we count each martyr separated by denomination and none wrong. But none right.
Peace must reign as will the truth. We must all stand together in the face of every desperate act. For in the lack of love only the devil wins. The creator so loving watches as we do what we will with our God given free will.

[possibly offensive?] [possibly a rant?]

a classmate i barely knew
can't even recall her name
she asked, the simplest thing:
was i okay?

others said, well,
don't give him the attention
he'll only cut more

well, i' m over that, but,
from time to time
i see the same idiocy
emerging

what a rotten world
self-righteous world
were harm is all but mended
were weakness is offending

cannibals deny the right
to self-destruction
they moralize
and legalize
their own desensitization

just do not mark the skin that shows
just smile and wave and cry alone
just rot inside but do not die
we don't have time

i wish i could say:
if i was suicidal, i' d  like to make sure
society got what it deserved

i' d cut my wrists and paint my school
i' d scream "you ****ts did wrong me greatly!"
i' d let them know inhumanity has a cost
i' d let them know, let their kids know,
let the news show what selfishness is

I think that would be educative!

if it could be arranged
i' d have my body torn post-mortem
cut in little pieces, thrown all around
with little notes of hate
i' d even mail some!
(well, not me personally)

and it should cost time and money
and scar some kids
and make mothers cry
and be a gift of bitter empathy
as slap to the face
a kick to the nuts
since happiness and life
don't weigh that much these days
not more than bibles or grades and such

and that is selfish,
not the emo kids, not the shy ones,
not the harmless ones you bully
I would be selfish
I think that would be righteous

and that's because
i cannot stand these words:
"suicide is selfish!"
"real problems!"
"simply stupid!"
"attention ******!"

all i wanted was to lie in a pool of sunshine
so hot i could barely breathe, dream or think
ripping them away like crunchy autumn leaves
falling from trees in gusts of strong winds
i wanted to be engulfed in a hot pool
so hot i have difficulty breathing
and my clothes get covered in sweat
this uncomfortable heat and brightness
cruel in its desensitization but also
a mercy for my brain which churns and pivots
bouncing around thoughts and dreams which
make me wish for sleep and then hate sleep
wish i could run run and lie in pools of
molten sunshine burning my skin to the bones
so i can perhaps breathe for five minutes
without a weight on my chest
a crick in my neck tightness in my back
surprising liquid on my face
where does it come from?
what is its purpose?
where does it go?
all evaporate in this stupid pool of garbage
sunshine and i

i can pretend my heart does not beat blood
my presence matters
i am not sad
not contemplating numerous ways to die
in the spaces between my thoughts and dreams
in my thoughts and dreams

i remember and i forget hoping

hope kills and love dies
belief lies and relationships burn
a hollowness a cavity

there is sadness and there is a rhythm
but i
do not remember the paths i tread
following these endless roads to that rhythm
i once had
where is it now?
what is its purpose?
where does it go?

i lie in embarassment and bashfulness
dance around to pretend that love never dies
relationships soothe and hope survives

but in that pool of sunshine
half-truths and half-lies
concepts of gray do not exist in
pure bright white blue
hotness
so i wanted to burn for a bit
let my bones get some air
so my tears can evaporate
the moment they escape
so i can continue saying
my heart does not feel
my heart does not exist

Am feeling as if Time & Detachment of sensibility to my enviroment people and thoughts are retained and analyzed to comform to my pattern of thinking...as if I am slightly comforted by a sense of relaxation/laziness that makes time pass in a form of carelessness and desensitization. My body is enormously relaxed and has a natural sense of calmness. Entuned and warped with light ease of mixed emotinal stress & the pressures of life are reduced by this slowed calm and relaxed feelings of peace & it's release of mental frustrations and stress. Time and space seem to be flowing more at ease with a touch of carelessness and relaxed sense of being comfortable in my own skin, enviroment and the people am surronded with. Perhaps I am slightly detached from feelings of anxiety, triggers to use and emotional stress have been diminished. I have finally let go of my obsession to use destructive substances...just for today I am clean & maintaining sober posture.

We're all addicts-
addicted to sadness,
because no one else can put us down if we're already there.
addicted to anxiety,
because life can't shock us if we've seen the worst case scenario.
addicted to disappointment,
because we don't want to expect the best anymore.
addicted to loneliness,
because there's no one to leave us.
We're all addicted to this pretend power,
synthetic strength,
this desensitization and unwillingness to feel,
because it's better to get used to the darkness,
than to see the light only for a moment,
and spend the rest of our days reminiscing over the shadows.

title: <Xi>
body:
Xi:
the 11th
pretender
from Xina.   502 bad gateway bypass

after a sexless decade of my 20s... well... "sexless"...
there were the odd instances,
one Thai Surprise picked up from a park bench:
how eagerly she went back to my house
and how easily it was to un-package her...
although: i wasn't too sure if i was going to
find a her down below...
                                    the several times in the brothel...
i don't even know how i managed to give
one of them (back then) an ******...
   even she was surprised... apparently it only
happened a second time with me...
i mean with her with me... not that i was the first...
and since that fateful relationship that ended
when i was 21, which only lasted a few months...
i thought i would never have *** that good:
when parting she even tried to tease me about it...
you'll never get it so good...
play the Dandy Warhols' good morning whenever
you want to have *** and think of me...
i'm so thankful i didn't download any hook-up apps,
Tinder Bundle Rumble Fumble Drum-ble
whatever - i missed everything: culturally -
whenever the trends picked up: i just wasn't there...
shoom! the whole hooking-up culture scene just
blew over my head like a fighter-jet...
                      i was at the brothel from time to time...
it just felt... too easy... where there any genuine
transactions? oh god... a dinner date?
who the hell wants to have *** after eating a decadent
meal? i tried something last night...
and it worked like magic...
    a small meal in the afternoon: mainly cottage cheese...
cheese... not yellow cheese... white cheese...
a hot-cross bun and some apricot jam...
most certainly 2x 30minute excruciating cycling
sessions... one before the meal... some trickle of
WHITE WINE... not rose not red... WHITE wine...
half a bottle after the "meal": more like a snack...
the wine sipped... half a bottle...
then that second cycling session... oh... and in between...
jerking off to the pictures she sent me:
of her plush, plump lips... jerking off... but not...
actually *******... get the blood flow evened out...
testing, ch't ch't... testing... everything o.k.?
good... after the bicycle ride finishing off the wine...
relax... get in the mood...
then take a long journey to the brothel...
nothing quick... once there... get about 200cl of
brandy and some pepsi... walk around the brothel,
to the nearby park... drink about 100cl of the brandy
leaving the other 100cl poured into the emptied
pepsi bottle with... obviously some pepsi still in it...
that's for the in between in the brothel...
but i get that... it's transactional...
   i work sometimes 10hour shifts at Wembley...
it's ******* March... it's cold...
sometimes getting there an back means i leave
the house at 7am and come back at... 1am...
         i earned this... but i'm not paying for a *******
dinner date & a "maybe"...
                             and why should i be ashamed
of these women? i don't really have time to judge them...
esp. not this one... oh no no, oh not this one...
this one is special...
                       man... if the next day you wake up
and you're like... ****... my ****-cheeks ache...
oh... right... she wanted to do it in the missionary
position yesterday... no *******...
     i like her approach... a different position per visit...
no... changing positions... none of that...
oh... and look... thinking about my ****-cheek
pain from clenching them too much
   i get a hard-on thinking about her...
                when was the last time i got a hard-on
in the morning just by thinking about a woman?
i can't remember... but hey: here's to the first (time)!
- and i noticed something peculiar yesterday...
it's sort of borrowed from the Kama Sutra...
it's about sizes...
i can't remember what animals are exactly used...
rabbits... deer... and elephants...
for all the size shaming and that sick practice in
pornographic movies where the woman is like:
oh... you're so big...
   she mentioned that i was rich... because i am not
circumcised... ******* is always for the times
when you need to get off on your own...
but pulling it back... it tightens the head of the phallus...
meaning? you get more stamina...
it also increases the "desensitization" of the ******* head...
it tighten it increasing blood flow...
anyway... this size thing... the woman: oh you're so big...
also the woman: **** my tight little *****...
so... large ***** don't exist? and that's somehow
a good thing?
   the Kama Sutra explicitly states...
a rabbit male is not a good match with an elephant
female...
******* loves to explore *****-envy shaming
tactics by pairing up elephant males with
rabbit females... but there's a middle ground...
if she said: whenever a black guy walks into the brothel
i avert my eyes... i don't want to get hurt...
well yeah... elephant males have no problem satisfying
big-**** elephant females... because by the time
he gets to insert his phallus into her vagin...
half of it was already exploring the avenue of ****-cheeks...
i'd say i'm a deer male and she's a rabbit female...
- just a reminder... so you're doing really quick:
semi-violently - pelvis smacking against pelvis...
the skin of either us smacking against each other...
but then you slow down... pulling in and out
gently... she gives off mini-*******... nothing fully
fake akin to When Harry Met Sally... little seismic
tremors... but... ooh... oh... what's this...
there's a suction in place now... i can't exactly pull
out altogether... the body parts are perfectly complimenting
each other...
           and in that moment in between
changing rhythm, pace... i look at her and ask her...
so... can i, ahem "come" in?
                        she gives consent and reassures me:
i'm not going to get pregnant (well i ****** well hope
so)... so it happens...
again... what a strange sensation...
            it's so much different when wearing a ******...
i'm not sure which i found more pleasurable...
my own **** being submerged in its own *****...
as if vomiting food up to your mouth...
and then instead of ejecting the *****...
swallowing it back down... like the Taurus that i am...
or... directly into her...
for her it's different too... because... when you do it
into the ******... you sort of feel like she's...
not actually willing to waste the juice as it were:
for her the juice is worth the squeeze... or...
the slap on the ***...
     so how do these "unwanted" pregnancies occur?
i could have pulled out without a problem...
i mean... ******* is not a process akin to
spontaneous combustion... i mean:
  i woman knows when you're about to *******...
she feels it... you feel it... but she also feels it...
she can tell... that's why i paused and asked her...
so much easier... when you're paying for what you
really want...
i will never forgot those words she said:
oh... i have exclusive rights to ******* her without
a ******... if my charm offensive didn't work on Jeminah...
offering to learn German with her son,
flowers for Valentine's day, banana loaf,
    homemade wine... i wasn't going to stick around...
bemoaning my failure... ****** off elsewhere...
and i work an honest job and earn an honest wage...
so... i'll spend it on something as pristine and honest as:
i could never **** someone for free - not really...
you never really **** someone for free anyway...
but it's strange for the dynamic has flipped...
i hear stories of women who were part of the hook-up
culture giving up their *** for free...
but now... are looking for men to step-up and pay
for dinner-dates etc.,
look at me... i came with payment first...
laid it on the table... cold hard £120...
               and yesterday? she wants to meet up...
outside of the brothel... aha... ha, ha ha...
    now? the *** is secured...
                               what's a dinner date?
                                       let's just say... £60...
right... and then? i'm not paying for an hour...
i'm getting the whole ******* night... for free!
well... we might want to get the night going:
the ****** rampage on neutral ground...
in a hotel... so i cough up another... say £60...
i might have spent just as much: but i'm getting
the whole night to be with her: not merely a hour...
we sort of came up with this scheme
when after i ******* into her and we took
a break to smoke a cigarette, drink a little brandy
and pepsi... talk... then we lay side by side...
gloriously naked... before i got another hard-on...
5 minutes to the hour... i once thought about exploring
the possibility of a vacuum cleaner...
ha ha... borrowed... from... Scary Movie...
Doofy? right? stop disturbing me when i'm cleaning
my woom! ha ha...
   yeah... big time *****... she started jerking it
between ******* it... spitting on it... putting it close
to her open mouth while jerking it off...
(not the type of girl that likes to eat potential children,
i mean, even prostitutes have standards,
you have to respect them, no mention of a ***-shot
on her eye-brows or on her chest or into her mouth,
my first girlfriend was into eating potential children,
it's sort of ugly)
spitting do the trick so she got the lubricant out...
5 minutes... yeah... i concentrated my efforts...
clenched my ****-cheeks... job done...
             - today i'm just sitting back... thinking all of
this through... a bottle of white wine is also very comforting...
the idea that i have to iron some shirts is also:
very to my taste... just vacuumed the house...
hmm...
   oh... my exclusive unprotected *** rights to her?
she mentioned other customers...
aqua-phobes... people who are afraid of washing themselves...
i'm pedating about staying clean, fresh,
she's too... she complained about Asians like this...
hey... Turkish lady can complain about someone
who doesn't wash himself... no problem with that...
but he's not putting his ******* poker into the fire
directly... he's going to have to put on a mini-latex-tracksuit
and... do what i already explained...
have his **** covered in its own *****...
   but then again... i'd love to try full body latex fun...
but... not yet and n'ah... not getting enough of it:
to fill-up your libido's demands...
perfectly wholesome orthodox *** is what i need
right now...
                 and music... that's important...
Nine Inch Nails - esp. the Fragile... that album is just
***... esp. when you're gearing up to the act...
walking alone in the streets... with night-owl people
around you sort of eerily thinking you're stalking
them...
but how the hell did i manage to bypass the hook-up
culture dynamic, conundrum...
once the hooking-up has died down...
and people are... well once they got it for free...
but now... want investments...
dinner dates & "maybes"...
                         i don't see the logic of that?
me... i went in hard... paid up-front...
                   and now? i'll be getting a better bargain...
i might be spending just as much...
dinner... and a hotel room... but...
   it won't be for an hour... but the whole night...
and it will be guaranteed...
- plus i gave her a signed copy of physical copy
of my poetry book i self-published... well...
funded the publishing of / printing back in Poland...
it even has an authentic review at the front
by this Armenian...
      she asked me if i could teach her English...
hmm... that wouldn't be a bad idea...
i could learn some Turkish while i was at it,
plus the current job i'm doing i'm only doing to get
good references... if you want to apply for a job
as a teacher... you can't have references from family
members... and since i worked with my father
in roofing (St. Bart's Hospital, various housing
projects, Scottish Widows' HQ etc.)
but i could start my teaching career early...
even though i have a degree in chemistry: i don't want
to teach chemistry... it's too objective...
too rigid... i need something more fluid: subjective...
sure... you have objective language...
but you also have subjective language...
plus... the idea of exporting my ideas to the Turkish
speaking world... probing a possible...
third branch of Islam... what other Muslims can a European
reason with, if they're not Turks?
i go to a Turkish barber... i now have... i wouldn't
say a girlfriend... but she's Turkish...
can a ******* ever be a girlfriend?
we're in the NOW... whatever happens in the background:
is in the background... behind this massive
crimson curtain... but at least it's out in the open
and i'm not one of those guys who ask girls
for their "body count"... i don't mind that...
but i abhor the chastity veil... pretending like...
oh no no: nothing happened prior...
                 let the **** float: so i can see it...
rather than stuff it with lead bullets and then chaining
me to it so it drags me down towards:
despair... i want despair out in the open...
then... it isn't despair anymore... but a platitude of
transparency i can deal with...
it's so much easier when you have these two golden
rules:
treat others like you'd like to be treated &
                don't spin false narratives...
hmm... Istanbul... sounds very tempting...
            plus, it's not like the Turks haven't knocked
on Europe's door through the Balkans: not ever...
and they don't mind drinking...
which is a good thing - always, esp. for me...
yeah... if i started with teaching her English...
               i'd love to get into that...
            and if i got some Turkish in return... hmm...
not a bad idea... actually: a very good idea...
no wonder i associate my prime totem with a fox...
well... and crows... and bulls...
hmm...
         now's not the time for daydreaming:
that comes later...
                 at this point... it's time to gloat...
                      so much for a generation of people who
hooked up for *** for free...
nothing is ever free... not even access to oxygen:
you have to make the effort to breathe...
in: hooh...               out:     ah...
                           thank god those years of hook-up
culture bypassed...
now i don't have to deal with dinner dates & "maybes"...
just... changed around a charge for an hour
into a dinner date and a night at a hotel; certain.

- and now i get to groove and sing along to
all the female-power... Sugababes' - round round...
round round baby
   i don't need no man i get my kicks for free...
round round.