November 19th 2009
Marks the day I saw your spine
Hit the floor for the very first time
I only need people when I think I do
I was a fool to think I needed you
It’s the opposite of The Decemberists
You needed me to make you better
I blame myself for trying-
And every time I walk in on you crying
I think it’s something I did wrong
The smell of your breath is still strong
In the dreams I fail to dream as I watch what I once thought was steam sneak through your bedroom door
I can still smell those chemical dreams as I do the leaves on that cold november day
I found you lying in the den
You were going to die I just didn’t know when
I can see the red and blue flashing
It’s making my innocence fade like flash photography in a museum
Why can’t my life be preserved  with a sign that says please don’t do this
Too many signs for too many crimes
I’d need one for each mistake you made
I’d add another check to the chalkboard and remember my neck double wrapped around the umbilical chord
I wonder if you loved me then but I remember that you didn’t
Cause every time I try to read a book I look at the letters and they turn into something they are not
Just like us when you’re drunk and I’m smoking ***
I remember you never loved me at my monthly sonogram
Holes in my kidneys not quite as big as the holes in your heart
I was ****** over from the start
4 pounds and 11 ounces I could never stand up to you
Pretending you did what you had to do
Take another sip I dare you
Maybe it’ll make you feel brand new
And the next morning we’ll pretend it never happened because that’s what we always do
I’ll ignore the broken glass that sat on my chest as I tried to sleep and stabbed my mind as I tried to dream
About what we would be if I hadn’t found you that day in 2009
Would I still be doused in ignorance
Would I still crave your attention
Would I still be able to dream
Would I be haunted by my own retention
Would I drink a little less
Would I drink a little more
Would I still play in the leaves or believe you could be cured
You need me to make you better and it has made me worse-
I don’t throw out the **** I find in your purse-
I shove it down and swallow but innocence tends to follow

If I were 4 pounds again I’d have a stronger mind
I wouldn’t put any effort into being kind
I was so small you should’ve thrown me in the trash
I wouldn’t have to grow up in your mistakes tray of ash
I close my eyes and I’m 9 years old seeing red and blue,
8 years later and disaster still reminds me of you

Where have all the
Good words gone?

When did we lose our
Imagination that burns
With passion?

When did language go from
Colorful to colorized?

The
Words
Are raging
Slams
Rips
Blasts

Causing poets
To disappear
Like flour tossed
Into the atmosphere

Hold strong
Hold steady,

Besides what are we fighting for?

The best written poetry
In the world
Still yet to be written

Reluctant to share
Loathe to believe
Defenses worn thin
Weakened by saccharine kindness
Cliche grandiosity seasoned a bland bland world
Black and white, lost in shades of gray
Colorized emotions drip life into an exsiccated heart
A sunlit spotlight of warmth
Faded painted colors can never return to grayscale
Changed forever by a moment, if not by accident

I was born with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
Fireworks that light up the sky.
Don’t explode color for me.
The seven colors of the rainbow.
Don’t lay out Roy G Biv for me.
Multifunctional digital cameras.
Don’t upload colorized for me.
The fireworks.
The rainbows.
The cameras.
All come out the same.
Colorless.
I smile because I am used to it.
Because it shows me the world for what it is.
I’m not distracted by the flashing lights.
Or the colorful reflection after the rain.
Not even the still moments of a photo.
So I see what’s real.


I live with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
I will never know the color of her hair.
As the wind blows it during a cool summer day.
I will never know the color of her eyes.
As the sun allows them to shine with beauty.
I will never witness her skin tone.
My deficiency doesn’t allow it.
I smile because I’m used to it.
Because it shows me who she really is.
The very essence of what makes her glow.
What my deficiency does allow.
I see her soul.
What her hair cannot conger.
I see her heart.
What her eyes cannot frame.
I see her love.
What her skin cannot contain.
So I see what’s real.

I will die with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
When the world becomes fragile.
I won’t see the red of the flames.
When the world becomes damaged.
I won’t see the blue of the flood.
When the world becomes a waste land.
I won’t see the color fade.
Because my deficiency took that a long time ago.
I smile because I’m used to it.
& it made my life beautiful.
Even though I saw black & white.
My canvass was colored with my heart.
& that is where my imagination runs wild.


I was blessed with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
Because I knew never to be afraid.

I Romanticize
And visualize
The Real eyes  
Full of Despise
So Dramatized yet
Can't Realize the  
Real Lies so quick
Disguised by
Their Improvised
Alibis that will arise
When ice flame dies
baptized by
Unholy flies now
Desensitized by  
So blessed by those
Bedeviled Snake eyes
That traumatize,  
Yet tantalize my soul
And likewise,
These ****** skies
Sorrowed demise,
Was brought upon by  
White lies.
Now tainting lives,  
Once colorized,
so grey.
Your eyes.

Beloved Reprise

This world is way too much for us
Tried to run but keep on stumbling
Tried to talk but keep on mumbling
Do you ever felt that way?

Let ourselves bloom
Despite of all those gloom
Wear all of the smiles like my costume
And hide them on your locker room.

I'll be the paint to color your world
Even though we're curled ,
Relax, I won't hurt, drop those blades
Because I'm willing to give you my colored shades.

What are you waiting for?
Lets paint this world, the color you adore
I'll give you this rose don't drop it at the floor
I'll be at your back leading your war

Now the breeze got us feeling good
Cruising 'round the neighborhood
Living like a teenager would
And love you like my mother could.

Don't worry too much
I won't leave, I'll be in touch
And if ever you get tired I'll catch,
Give you some glue for us to not detach.

The waitress said: “I saw hundreds of colorized depictions of blood-poisoned feet when I was studying gangreneous conditions common to the tropics. But I'm older now, so I can't spend as much time on it.”
   “Yes,” I said. “How many eggs can I get for 14 dollars?”

the earth's twin died at birth.
her twin visits her only when she too
wants to die.
her twin changes geography as if wearing
an equatorial mood ring.
all features forever present, but nameless.
once she stopped, condensing a single
revolution into the sandy pit of a circus
enclosure.
the color of depthless purple, in the middle of
a desert.
enter Noah's henchman--the one who taught
animals to perform tricks.
he wore a top hat & had a seven foot tall
crystalline body.
the ringmaster's pit was filled with serpents,
colorized & patterned as if out of a pineal gland.
he went thru them, snapping them straight into
flaming swords--head to tail.
working them down his throat.
until a wind stood up, swirling against his ring
as if it were surrounded by glass.
when that protective forcefield let off--the
ringmaster vanished into blown continuations
of sand.

The waitress said: “I saw hundreds of colorized depictions of blood-poisoned feet when I was studying gangreneous conditions common to the tropics. But I'm older now, so I can't spend as much time on it.”
   “Yes,” I said. “How many eggs can I get for 14 dollars?”

The waitress said: “I saw hundreds of colorized depictions of blood-poisoned feet when I was studying gangrenous conditions common to the tropics. But I'm older now, so I can't spend as much time on it.”*
   *“Yes,” I said. “How many eggs can I get for 14 dollars?”