Death.
I remember sitting in that room. Feeling as if the walls were going to close in around me.
That space and lapse between the ticking of the hand of the clock..from one second to the other. To the expanding of her lungs..the breaths that grew shorter and the flailing and fight of the body..begging for one more breath..as if in a fist fight with the arms of the clock..to reverse time.
Laying here, with my phone in hand..in the dark at 4:00 a.m., the backlight of the screen blaring in my eyes as I breath between sentences..ponder these memories and the plethora of thoughts and watch the cursor pulse.. as I lay one word in front of the other.
Time..is running out. Passing, even as I space these letters of the alphabet, strategically across this screen.
Love.
Reminiscing on my Mothers life and painful, agonizing passing, springs my mind and heart into action..to Love harder, live fuller and leave some sort of legacy to my children.
The one thing that she lived and taught, through the..sometimes disastrous way that she lived..was unconditional Love. There wasn't a word that passed through my lips that would cause her, to ever not love me. She was real, down to earth, tough as nails and lived through a life of surreal pain that most people couldn't even fathom.
Faith.
Fate has a way of stealing our blueprint for our life and rewriting it.
The immense, seemingly unbearable pains that come with growing and picking yourself up from one obvious failure to the next and the self doubt, confusion and hopelessness it's wrapped in, disguises itself as enough to "throw the towel in" on this life stuff.
Until the fight, stemming from faith in all things soulful arises and ignites your will to keep functioning and you pry yourself off of your pillow and try to remember that you're on borrowed time.
Purpose.
The problem with overthinking everything is that nagging, never ending thought that needs to find the reasoning behind everything..especially when it comes to those gory details and secrets about your life that nobody knows about..(or is that just my life?) Sometimes life just simply ***** and you'll never know why. As long as you can lighten up and laugh about it, you'll keep yourself out of the 51/50 category and keep on truckin', just a little stronger than before. Pull the "good" out of every wretched fragment of your story and use it to broaden your perspective and become more accepting of the people around you.

As I come to the end of this spillage of my soul onto paper, in hopes that I can dwindle down the twisting of my thoughts enough to rest..I hope that I encouraged at least one person to live deeper and love fuller, allowing all things good to stretch beyond your circumstance and be an inspiration to someone struggling.
Lead with Love.

Fragile like glass

                          Be careful with her heart

because piecing back the shattered  pieces

                                                ­   is always the hardest part...

She has chemical dreams and toxic wishes.
She wastes her breath on silly superstitions...
like it's nobodies business.
She kneels down and prays, but nobody listens.

She has visions that seem to come and go.
She imagines a future that feels so alone.
A time where every body is delved into a selfish abyss.
Where kids are growing up without a hug or a kiss.

Every year the bad days grow longer.
Positivity fades, and the negative thoughts get stronger.
Welcome to a future where all the heroes died.
Now its reflections of villains in these kids eyes.

Change happens when one matures.
Immaturity has become an epidemic, and we can't find a cure.
What ever happened to a soul that's pure?
She's the last of that kind, a species that's become a blur.

I look into your eyes-
I feel it.
I feel it when we kiss.
When you hold me.
When you touch me.
I feel it when you laugh
I feel it watching you **** down
Cigarettes like you're looking for
Lung cancer.
So I'll kiss you back
And hold your hand
And caress your face softly.
I'll make you laugh just to hear it-
I'll kiss the smoke off your lips
And exhale it into the night air.

Because I love you.
I love you.

I haven't been able to say it,
It gets caught in my throat.
It scratched my tongue till
I cough it out when you're not around.

Is there a liquor strong enough to fix me
Strong enough to make me forget who you are
Forget your name.
Maybe if I drink enough, the memory of you will come out with all this food I had earlier today.
Is there a liquor that tastes better than your kiss
Feels better than your arms
I've searched many bottles and have yet to find this liquor that people say mends their pain.

Peering through crimson curtains,
Into the life of someone new.
Peeling away their layers,
Until all becomes black, just like you.