I placed my phone beneath my pillow

Hoping that you’d call 

Just to tell me how you watched the sunrise this morning 

And how you’ve been homesick 

So I can tell you to come home 

And welcome you with open arms 

To let you know

That even if it were five years from now
It’s always been you

I've traded in hearts for habits
for using those who let me in
And allow me to wipe my feet on their fresh wounded hearts like welcoming mats that collect dirt in old broken homes
Who welcome me to build my house into a home
Made out of sticks rather than stone because let's face it
I've never been good at being home
And like lines in white drugs
I've grown habits to use them like I use you
Like we use each other
And I like the way that it makes me feel
I like the way that you make me feel
I like
the way
it feels
So I stay where I am
As you undress my clothes
Undress my childhood memories
Undress my parents vacant home
Promises we've kept to ourselves
That we'd never speak of love and only stick to the things we know best
Things we always wanted to accomplish
Whispering at night while the walls sweat with secrets meant sleeping all day and making daylight our rehab
With love, comes fear
So I ran with a heart that dried up and buried it in foreign soil
And maybe once spring comes again it'll grow like we once did and my heart will be sober again
My addictions have become acquainted with my daily routines because lately it seems like this never ending road is a path straight to hell
But maybe I don't want to leave
Maybe I'm too comfortable where I am
And while we're being honest, if we're being honest at all
I dont remember what it's like to be my old self anymore

I drove past your house the other day
Where you and i
Would lay for hours
On top of the old roof
Where the sunlight would kiss your face
As the sun set itself to sleep every night
Old friends share greetings with beer
And when the alcohol
Starts to course itself through my veins
Like a blend of colors mixing in a river bend
It helps me numb out the memories of us here
To temporarily mend
Some days
I forgot my sadness exists
And it doesn't hurt when you don't call
But sometimes
I get choked up
Over the sound of your voice
When I replay your missed calls
Like the old broken record
We found in your house that one time
The one that I drove past the other day

**** fake relationships
And these stupid shallow flings.
I miss having something real.
I miss having you.

Your voice still locked
In the echoes of my broken
Guitar strings.

Your name still locked
Echoing in the back
Of my head.

My siblings
Still ask why you
Left

And I'm still stuck
Asking the same