What's going on in this mind of mine?
I say the past is the past but maybe that's a lie,
Because every night I find myself crying.
No, I couldn't tell you the reason why,
I feel guilty like this life is a crime,
So what's the point to keep trying?
Then I wrangle my thoughts to keep em in line
Though it's the dark place in myself I always find.
Tell me to rethink what's going through this mind,
Tell me again that I'm beautiful and kind.
But soon the hours in the day start to grind,
And it's back to the fight to even climb.
I've played this track too many times.
And since every bad thought rhymes,
I pray for a change.

Beginning of the end.
Seems crazy to think about the days when
You couldn't get enough of being my boyfriend.
A million text messages everyday you'd send,
Now I'm lucky if I get ten.
What are we doing? Are we playing pretend?
Used to get a "Good morning, beautiful" when I'd wake and
Everything's divided between now and then.

I've got my bags packed but I can't seem to leave.
I try so hard not to doubt because I want to believe
Because I don't want you to go away but we've
Become something I never dreamed.
Can I play naive?
But when I feel you pulling away it's hard to breathe.
This doesn't make sense, let's think a minute please...

These days, I listen to break up songs,
But I keep a happy beat so I can sing along.
It's not all sad, sometimes we talk for so long,
And it feels like we're playing ping-pong,
Was I going crazy for thinking it was wrong?
But then I watch the clock, and I realize you're gone.

So I find my own thing to do,
Seems like you only want me when I pull away too.
Right now your edges are bleeding blue,
So I wait for you to change your hue.
As I'm lacing up my walking shoes,
Where are you?
You got a new tattoo,
I guess now you're disappearing into Blink 182.
One day I'll see you clear in my rear-view,
But today I hold on because it's hard to say adieu.

Sometimes you make me want to die
Because no one can hate a dead girl.
Then it'd just be sad and I'd be only a waste of talent and life.
But even death cannot solve problems
As it's bound to only cause more.
And besides, it would never grant you the ability to see things from my point of view.
You'd only lay the blame on someone else because that's what you do.
But I don't want to die.
I'm scared for my life that I won't live,
Actually live- something further than simply surviving.
Is this the angst of every fledgling I feel?
I want to jump
And fly
Because there is no cure for every problem.
There is push on
And there is pray.

"I love you,"

I said.

He replied,

"Good night."

That night

I knew

what love was for me

was a dream to him

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo