I have been conditioned by toxic people previously in my life,
that I was not good enough because of my quiet nature,
because I would rather keep to myself than be in the limelight,
because I am introverted,
because I am not like other girls who 'crave attention' - but rather the opposite.

They made me believe no one would ever like or even date me,
that no one will ever love me because of my 'different and unusual personality'

They broke me,
ruined me.

But they will never know, as they go on to live their lives and leave me in the mud - as I live on hating myself.

I have drawn the unlucky card within life of having friends,
I always befriend people who use me,
break me,
manipulate me,
use my kindness against me
and walk all over me.

This card has served me great moments of loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts and along with this card, it has made me feel worthless, ugly and alienated.

Friends, have never been by my side in life.
Friends, always end up leaving me in my life.
Friends, constantly abuse me emotionally and made me question myself.

Although the question is, who are you without your friends?

I'm sorry that I constantly push you away, without an explanation at all,
I'm trying my best, but my trauma convinces me that you may hurt me.

My issues make me feel lonely, even when there are days when I am not.
I secretly crave attention and love, but will never admit to it because of my trust issues.

So instead, I make myself content within my loneliness and
       made the rain beating against my window on a winters night,
                                        my only friend.

im stuck in a rut of the old person I used to be,
the one who did not want to get out of bed
and face the world,
the one who would rather isolate themselves
rather than be surrounded by my loved ones,
the one who had no energy to do work,
that would just simply lay in bed all day and
stare at the wall.

im stuck in a rut of the old person I used to be,
and im scared.

it is time I try to forgive and forget.

I must forgive that all the pain you caused our family,
and forget all the traumatic events that have forever scarred me.

I must forgive you for the fact that you were battling a mental illness,
and forget the tears I shed at night fearing for your own life and what you may do to yourself.

I must forgive you for the days and nights you left me stranded,
and forget the guilt you caused me to feel when I saw you soon after.

It's become too difficult to forgive and forget all the agony you caused, but for my own wellbeing

I must let you go.

is there something wrong with me?

sometimes I wonder if the reason I have few friends,
is because something is wrong with me.

that people may not like the way
I speak,
or look,
what my interests are
or may just find me annoying.

this feeling causes me to feel as though I am unlikable,
which causes me to feel lonely in this big world we live in.

is there something wrong with me?
why do so many other people have lots of friends?
why am I so unapproachable?
why have I been gifted with the jinx of never having long lasting friends?

is there something wrong with me?

recently I've been wanting to be left alone,
away from everyone,
away from everyone's stares,
their questioning looks,
their fake smiles and
fake conversations.

I just want to be left alone,
with no worries or anxiety,
with the sound of soft music playing through my phone
and the sound of rain beating against my window,
while I try to feel content with myself.