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May 2019 · 274
To Be Alive
What does it mean,
To feel alive?
To be yourself?
To love? To cry?

I always searched
For a feeling or thing
That brought out my joy,
Made me laugh, made me sing.

I think I've finally
Seen the light:
Fall in love with each moment,
Fall in love with your life.
I wanted to model my life after a rainstorm:

To embody the excitement and freshness and screaming vitality
of a torrential rain on a hot summer day
To show off my clouds and shout out with thunder
My worries and sorrows, my failures and fears.
To laugh and cry and run and shriek
With windstorms and hailstorms and post-summer sleet.

But most of all,
I wanted to flash through people's lives like lightning
So, so bright and unexpected and beautiful and alive
That they held their breath and scanned the skies
For just one more crackle of energy and excitement
That makes them question their mundane grey lives.

If nothing else, I'll be petrichor
The soft, sweet reminder of new life to come.
That puts a smile on people's faces
As they, for once, stop, and breathe,
And remember that
They, too,
Mar 2019 · 1.0k
Joie de vivre
I can't see the future
I can't change the past

For once,
I pause
and breathe
and laugh

Because in this moment
I am
So, so
"I am so, so alive"
~ Maggie Stievater
… the phrase that has shaped my life
Mar 2019 · 506
Hiding from a rainstorm
is supposed to be tranquil :
                the patter of rain...
                the rumble of harmless thunder...
                watching the storm, but never feeling it...
Just raindrops on windows, with you safe inside.

But what if that thunder is the breaking of a friend's heart?
The lightning, the slashing of her dreams?
Her storm is raging within a snow globe…
From the outside, beautiful and perfect...
Unless you know the truth.

Thank God for that glassy protection, right?
             For all your good intentions...
             And best efforts...
             And wishful thinking...
All you can do is stay by her side
until her world settles.

What if that storm was a torrent of bullets,
Tearing her to pieces?
You can only watch,
Untouchable behind bulletproof glass...

I mean, at least you're safe, right?
… But doesn't it hurt you to witness it
Without being able to intervene?

What if that rain is made of salty tears?
Heartaches and losses and sorrow...
You can try...
                 and be there for her...
                 and phone and listen...
                 and offer every ounce of your comfort...
But no matter what you do...
God still controls the weather.

I mean, at least it isn't your own suffering.
… But that's just it, isn't it?
There's no doorway through a wall of glass.

The very best part of chrysalism
Is that you're hiding on the inside
Within your own peaceful world.

The worst?
You can't swap places.
Have you ever had a friend who deserves the absolute WORLD
and yet she receives nothing but bad luck and sorrow?
It breaks my heart.
If I could carry that burden for her, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
But that's not how the world works.
Mar 2019 · 336
Exposure Therapy
.               Having                                         L
         A glass heart                               A                         Y
     Is very good in theory:            E                                   O
  Pretty from the outside,       H                                          U
Filled up with hope the inside. 
But didn't they warn you?                                                    E
 That glass is hard and cold?                                               R
    That lonely dreams will fade?                                      O
        That "protecting yourself"                                     F
            Sometimes is the thing                                  E
               That hurts you most ?                             B
                   So before you build
                        Your heart of ice                     K
                             Never forget:                  A
                                 To be loved,            E
                                     You might       R
                                           Need     B
Feb 2019 · 141
Of all the beautiful and deadly things in this world,
Love is the worst.
For she joins two as one -
two hearts, two minds, two souls, two bodies, two dreams -
But doesn't warn you
That they break like a wishbone.
Do not be too greedy with happiness.
For she will give and give and give
Until you are so filled up
Like a ******* balloon
That you float to the sky.
And then

It's a good thing
Joy gives you wings
To catch you when you fall.
Jan 2019 · 202
Heart of Gears
i always thought i was kind
But what if
i'm just scared
Of being alone?

i always thought i was sweet.
But maybe
i'm just selfish
And want to be loved?

i always thought it was automatic
But maybe
i'm just programmed
To manipulate Them?

i always hoped i could love.
But if not,
Then They don't deserve
The machinations of a clockwork heart.

So maybe I should let the gears
Grow rusty and break down.
At least this way, They'll see
It was just a program...
It was never actually Me.
Dec 2018 · 1.9k
The Gambler's Game
Check - work nine-to-five, eat, sleep, draw again.
Surviving the day, nothing more, c'est bien.

Or call - easy choice for the hand you were dealt.
Just settle for average; win, lose; both unfelt.

If you need to, just quit; to accept it, just fold.
Be resigned to your fate; easy just isn't bold.

If not, you might lose; see pain, heartbreak, and death.
Bracing for blows that will knock out your breath.

So you didn't call a bluff, didn't sees players who cheat?
Or they raised you too much, now you're feeling the heat.

And life may be a *****, she deals hands unfair.
She's the muscle who beats you; detached, doesn't care.

But here's the kicker, dear life's only tell -
There's so much more out there; fight right to the bell!

'Cuz quitting the game after one bad beat?
You'd risk every win, for fear of defeat?

Not even one pair? Means no partner for life?
No falling in love, no taking the dive.

I guess if you're scared, that's a dangerous risk
Probably not worth the bet.

No three of a kind? No partners in crime?
No best friends for life, no slowing down time?

I guess that you're busy, with your job, for your cheque.
Probably not worth the bet.

And no full house? Means no family to kiss...
No building your future, no dogs, and no kids?

I guess it's hard work to lay down those bricks;
Probably not worth the bet.

No royal flush? No laughter, no tears?
No joy and no sorrow, no fun and no fears?

I guess if the bad scares you more than the good,
Probably not worth the bet.

For you, at least, that all may be fact.
You'll hold back your gambles, buy-in if you're backed.

You save up your chips for just the right hand,
And don't see that they are all equally grand.

For life may be cruel, but she gives loans for chips,
So keep playing the game until your luck flips.

So, me? Hit me, life. I'll stick out my chin.  
In this game we're playing?
Hell, I'm all in.
Nov 2018 · 147
Rain on windows
Is seeing something...
Hearing something...
Knowing it has happened...
But it doesn't touch you.

So how can you feel it?
Should you feel it
streak down your face?

Or is that just a hallucination?
Something you want to feel, but shouldn't?

For it is not a thing you want to be a part of.
But still, it's one you really just want
To trade, that is.
So they might take your place

In the chrysalism of detachment.
Chrysalism: the amniotic tranquility of being inside during a thunderstorm.
Nov 2018 · 488
The greatest fall
When born of denial,
Is a beautiful, beautiful mask;
For ignoring life's flaws is
the perfect illusion.
what happens
when you ignore gravity?
When you rise to the top of the world
Before you ever had a chance
to learn how to fly?
Nov 2018 · 334
Do you ever wonder
if maybe
other people
just a little more than you do

Vague thoughts
barely identifiable feelings
if I have any

Not depressed
not sad enough

Not unhappy
that would be too strong

Dysphoric, maybe

Distant, sure

But mostly just



Nov 2018 · 280
Hide & Seek
I thought they should see that my eyes are blue
And bloodshot and filled with pain.
For although I laugh and play a role,
My shadows, they hide but remain.

I thought they should see that my lips, they lie,
And say that I'm always ok.
For although I smile and say I'm fine,
I'm slowly fading away.

I thought they should see that my bones show through,
That I fixate and try not to gain.
For although I joke, I count and run.
It's driving me slowly insane.

I thought they should hear my cry for help,
See an illness I refuse to claim,
But they don't look; is it hidden that well?

I hope I'm too good at this game.
Why is it
So easy
To waste time?

My life flashes by,
With red hearts and blue thumbs
Instead of real hearts and big hugs....

As much as I love you,
"I'm sorry girl, I just don't have time rn!!"

Why is it
So easy
To run away?

I avoid the world
To ease my frustration.....

As much as I love you,
"That ***** girl, I can't help you rn!!"

Why is it
So easy
To be selfish?

I do get tired
Of hearing your problems....

As much as I love you,
"*** my life is so brutal rn!!"

And why, why is it so hard
To put you first
When all I can think about is me?

The Monster takes over,
And she just wants to be heard....

As much as I love you,
Sometimes I don't

put enough effort in,  that is!

I'm sorry I've been so out of it!
What were you saying?!
I am sorry.. I didn't mean to interrupt...
...Go on?

                                              ~ A.L.

— The End —