I’m consumed with the thought of the future.
It’s eating me up inside like a poison.
A poison i consume.
Like a flower that can’t bloom.

Where has my sunshine been?
Its like I’m trying,
But i just can’t swim.

Im drowning in the thought of what was,
what will, and can be.
The me i once knew has left me stranded.

I know i am stronger than this.
The demons fighting against my inner being
i must try to resist.

Numb is what i want to feel.
Because i forgot what its like
to be real.


moving forward, making the change.
the priorities i carry
i must rearrange.

I know happiness is out there.
I seek it with every deep prayer.
The love and devotion i seek
is somewhere out there.

i'm still numb to everything that happened between us
whether those 5 years were love or lust
i know that i love you and that will never fade away
from every tomorrow to our every yesterday
we have invested so much of ourselves into what we have now
we split apart
and we are now lost somehow
where did you go
i am alone and in a daze
every day i face is a complete and saddened haze
but move forward i must
and move on i shall
who knows maybe in my future you will be
looking at me like you used to
eyes full of love
a heart for the future
but little did we know it wouldn't be
that there was an end to you and me
but enough reminiscing and il wipe my tears.
i love you always and forever, for all the following years.

i open up my mind so my feelings can unwind
im caught up in the bind of our lives so intertwined
we flow like the nile, steady for a while
then we rage like the pacific with no problems in specific
you light me up like the rays from the sun
you break me down like a tidal wave and earthquake in one
once more we remember what we are in this for
trust like the promise of a tomorrow
strength like unbreakable metal
we are immensibly perfect
imperfectly worth it
we grow from eachothers depths in our souls
you know
we show our colors, as they shine luminescent glows of perfection
we know our worth, working on our work
working on our worth
you for me
me for you
a bond that can never undue.

I feel my heartbeat echoing in the distance
It's you leaving me slowly
As the full moon rises, you ache with uncontrollable pain
it hurts to see you this way
i remember the once youth you carried
now you wither away
only we can see the pain
but you hide it away
we know its time to let you go soon
and the time drags like an hourglass of a thousand years
you were everything to me
my muse
my ear
my song
my sphere
whom will i confide in now
you were the only one i opened up too
somehow
i will find my way to open to others
but losing you will only close me off
temporarily
i will be strong for you
i will be a new me
a me you would be proud to see
even though you didnt show it
i know you loved us all
i felt it in your eyes
a tender kiss from your glance
i was always there for you
maybe not as much as i should have been
i know i will see you again
with the strength i recall
i love you forever my babe
may your achy heart beat into eternity
and out of this pain

i have my dreams painted before me
i have my life set on fast forward
always looking forward
to the new
the me
the you
always on mute
because i can't communicate
the desires that inquire
and require our communication
frustration eating me alive
not knowing where to go to survive
so i thrive on the daily
work, eat, sleep
and repeat
it seems I'm weak
in the mind and soul
losing all control
but I'm pushing forward with no choice
my voice is silent
thats why i put myself on mute
until i can communicate
the need for desire
i put on my work attire and go
back and repeat it again
with no end in sight

It's 4:20 a.m
and I'm wide awake
my thoughts consume me
a little bit of ***** does me no good
my feelings are still circling
i think of you
all of you
within the world of everyone else
i wonder how we became to be
is it a blessing or a curse
or something that will grow with time?
the most we can do is trust ourselves
and know what WE want as individuals
I know what i want
do you know what you live for?
your feelings are captivated within the world of substance
every buzz you can get
i worry
for you
i long for the MAN i once knew
the strong, hardworking, goal-seeking man
i know you are there
you just need to trust in the essence of patience and timing
the world is boring at times
and with that you need understand
that the good times come in spurts
enjoy the love, silence, and slow moments that flow
in the evanescence  of peace
we are here to hold each other
but one cannot hold the other up for life
i need you to carry the work too
its me and you
not me
and you alone
we need each other
now I'm rambling
you know what i mean

We are facades melting in the shame of this world
we are swallowed by the cliche numbness
that embodies our hope in our common being
we are becoming numb  to the idea of individuality
we claim thats it's we long for
but we are searching for justice
we want peace
in the  noise of our love
in the chaos of our passion
in the surrender of our addictions
that are afflictions that chase us
in every step
and bite us to our core
we are consumed

consumed by this world that expects us to be
to be an image of attentive beating
a beat that can keep going until overused
til it is dead
tired
worked
used
abused
amused
with money
money chases
us
down
it
is
us

Emotion wells up
like a blade piercing flesh
She has way to much emotion
and drunken in her thoughts she can't mesh
all her thoughts together
they all plummet apart
like her heart
falling to pieces as she picks them up
but they fall away again
she combats to hold them in her fragile hands
she's feeble and he knows that
she is anxious with doubt
to keep on with her life?
to mesh her life with his?
the journey is unyielding
but erratic upon arrival
which way to turn?

I know that like a breath you consume me with every fiber of being
a need within me you fulfill
i stagger to keep up with you
the fragmented pieces of choices we have to make
our life before our hearts
our hearts lying upon the alter
our hands up in the air saying we surrender
we surrender to the life that is judging our motives
we just want bliss in the in-betweens of our love spells
our hazy kisses and our deep hugs
tug on heartstrings
while our fists collide
with a fight that meets at the corner
of compromise and patience
our love is patience
our life is in need of patience
and compromise
only words can conquer
communication in the least is the most
and it brings us closer

Maybe im not as healed as i thought i was
anger wells up inside of me
as i ease through my memories that i have so longingly tried to erase
denial and shame have driven me away
"they loved me, so they wouldn't hurt me"
is what i used to so innocently feel
but now i dig for meaning of my past
and i see what is real
the brokeness was all around me
those who hurt me were hurting too
only a band-aid could cover the pain temporarily
but then its ripped off with every scorn or reality that is spit at me
"how am i supposed too help others if i cant help myself"
is what i think now
am i pitying myself
am i being sensitive like i have always been
i feel that nobody understands
neither do i
i cant escape the pain, anger, and shame
i hold inside

Continuums of our nature
are starting to draw us together
like god created us to be.

me for you
and you for me
we harmonize in our balance
and falter in our articulations
but someday we hunger for more
more consistency in what we can control
nobody telling us where to go
knowing that we must hold our own
in this confounding world

We just want a home
a place to reside
when all the world is knocking with dilemmas
we can withhold in the shelter

But this residence won't only mask our problems
it will fix
all the brokenness of our past
we will have stability alas
and its up to us to carry on, no other shoulder to lean on
but our own
and each others
i on your shoulder
and you on mine
moving forward, always in time.

We ride on clouds that bring us too that place
that place we are full of love and honesty
you tell me that i am your muse
that i am the only reason you move forward and
you say without me you would be nothing

i feel the same
but i am lost
in the world of my parents view
i am confused
who too please
will they disown me?

i must go with what i love for i love you and my family
but you will provide my future for me
you bring me everything i need
security
warmth
love
and everything beyond that

i choose you
we are invincible

i cherish you
i only want you
im all in

i find comfort in you
in the ups and downs
the ins and outs

in the odd places we rage against
the tide only reels us in
an earthquake that bonds the earth together
in all the places that are meant too meet closer
than they already are

our destruction is beauty
the rain on a sunny summer day
the boldness of the trumpet in a parade

the harmony of the honk from one rage-ful car to the next
you are my best, the best within the chaos of our  noisy
mistuned life

i think of his smile
and all his intensities
his anger, his love
he gets the best of me

his complexity is beautiful
his intelligence is ****
his flow of passion and ideas
caress me
and so does he

he treats me like a butterfly
something so rare
delicate
and marvelous

together we form some sort of metamorphosis
our balance so dependent on each other
we bring out the beauty
and disaster
found in the truth of us

i have to search my heart time and time again
for the love i once had for you

amidst the constant drowning of fear, hatred, and deafening words
the silence of life swallows every ounce of love i could conjure

i dig deeper until my hands are numb
thinking that if i found a piece of the memories that were
joyous, patient, and true
that maybe it will bring me back to you

the you i once loved
but searching for that now
i can see no more
the empty canvas where love should be painted
leaves me nothing anymore

To question you is to question gravity
you are the force in the very center of me

my thoughts, my anger, my bliss
is in every moment we create and miss

i pick up a bow, and shoot towards your heart
but every which way you dodge it

for you are not moving away from my ****
you are giving me obstacles
to experience life as it is

it is difficult and rough
and as we travel together

we must be alone to enjoy company alass
we must feel hatred and pain to enjoy paradise

for our love is a journey of lost and found
dodging
suffering
traveling
wondering
experiencing
just being

I sit here
and see those all those lost eyes.
lonely souls passing by.
There is no connection
just an infection
that gives us tension.
We are lost in the complexity
of this multi-media society
too much variety.
what will save us?
bring us back to the hush
For we need to stop..
smell the fresh air
see the leaves everywhere
because nothing can compare
to the hush
of slow
****** nature.

She knew she could
so she did
she made a life for herself

she didn't need anyones help
wondering from a broken past
promising herself
that mistakes they've made
she won't repeat

she's stable
on two feet
knowing where she's headed
a youth with possibilities
with potential and lust
strength forward
lessons behind

you spend forever searching for who you should be
that uphill climb to self awareness and understanding
once you hit the top of that mountain
it is nothing
nothing like you imagined yourself to be
you still feel empty
unsure if you took the wrong climb
too late to look down now
at what was, and those
what could have beens are too far away
after feeling that emptiness there is always a path forward
maybe its a flat plateau
maybe another mountain
but there is no dead end
keep going
you will find your meaning
and you will know when
because it will be beautiful.

Its hard to look to the future when every
second, minute, hour crawls by

Of moments apart my aching makes me forget
about how i feel about you

But when i am with you i feel
the bottomless love we encompass

So tell me now where to go from here
where the love and aching are above this atmosphere

Tell me that our love won't go astray
for when i will see you will be a moment soon
someday

i swear i love you
in the shadows

im lonely here without you
left here to wallow

its your choice not mine
you love me but you left me

i swear i love you
but sometimes that's not enough

i dont know how else to show you
maybe im not ready for love

so strong

for so long

just maybe not

im at peace now
knowing that what lies behind me
and what lies ahead of me
are out of my control

i pace forward with the vision of my dreams
nothing holding me back
nothing tearing at the seams

you see, the stitching of my life
is jagged
but its effective, and strong

if there is a tiny tear
il come back and patch it up

such is life, sewing up our problems
only to see them come undone again

the truth is knowing how to mend

but we must also know how to create
to create a new journey
away from our struggles
to anew

enjoying the moments
forgetting but learning from past adventures
and creating a new view

i look up at the desperate sky
there is an opening in the clouds
a hope for all the hearts left broken
a noise for words left unspoken

a time to bring what is lost to be found
a time to turn what is wrong around
lift up the hurt, broken and oppressed
tell the truth to all the lies you have professed

the shadows are not welcome here
a place where the sunshine gleams
and where love can appear
and drive away all the hate, depression, ,madness, and fear

I lay here in this lonely hour
with nothing but an empty memory
and a crowded heart

memories we once had
but i cant piece together
to much has fallen apart

you left me without a second thought
did you even love me

i question who i was as a person
was i not enough
was there something i didn't do?
a lust i didnt attend to?

a relationship without communication is bound to die
because you become immune to the consent of silence that lingers
in the unprotected heart

the shadows of the empty days only linger away
until i realize why you left
me alone

without you
what do i do?

wait for you?
i have been
what more do you expect me to do

as i sit here and wait
for you
to get your **** straight

im tired of wallowing in my own sorrow
not knowing
whether il see you today
or tomorrow

days pass and i wonder
where you are
what you even are

i don't even remember
you and your ways
our love in my mind
is fading away

i want to remember
but i cant

waiting for you
is driving me crazy
im patiently furious
for you my love

are you coming
are you going

what do you want?

It seems like forever since
i have found true happiness.

It feels like a spark within
me has vanished.

I am not what i used to be

a once carefree, crazy-spirited
girl

Turned into an uncontrollable mess
of binging, purging, hunger, anxiety, unworthiness
and anger

i feel like i am never good enough
or ever good at anything

everybody looks down on me
                        i am nothing in their eyes.

you touch my cheek
leaving a spark on my skin
and suddenly everything matters

and i start to think that one such touch
can make all of our troubles worth it

a touch so soft
a kiss so light
a hug so tight

overshadows our arguments
it takes away the pain

for when im feeling lost
or buried in the doubt of US

you give me that sweet, soft, but powerful embrace
and in that moment i know im in the right place.

i don't want to wake up
i am trapped in a dream
that brings me to places
better than reality ever seems

Cuz when i am awake i try
and my days get too dry
and my heart begins to cry
and my problems just multiply

for sleep.. just makes me new
and in my dreams are the only way
i get to see you.

every second
every minute
every hour
every day
every week
every month
you are on my mind
it seems like there is nothing i live for but you

you say you feel the same
and you insist that you love me more

but the pain of waiting for you to show effort
to see me
be with me
care for me
burns me to the core

and while waiting for you im slowly dying inside
not knowing whether to follow my dreams
or wallow by your side

i have been taught to make a life for myself
one where the happiness comes from within

but when i look for happiness
i look to you

oh how things must change

Sure, next time i'll restrain

i won't go back
lie after lie
i have nowhere to go
no tears left to cry
i ran myself dry
nothing left to give
for what is the reason to even live?
i dont want to die
but this thing we call life
isn't going too right.

As i sit here and try to be clever
make things rhyme
make the lines linger together in a rhythmic pattern

but the truth is sometimes there is no pattern
no necessity for rhyme
and maybe the words just wont be "GOOD" enough

the words just need to be genuine
heartfelt
sublime
open
closed

however the hell you feel
write it and to someone
it may seem real.

He's digging his grave
with every word and gaze that he throws to the world

It is his fault for what he has suffered
where he has been
living his life in sin

There is a time when "im sorry" isn't too late
he attempts to let those words slide out of his mouth
but those apologetic words don't flow as easily as his sin

where does this end
where does this begin
his problems and sorrows are too big for him to carry

He is like any other man who is walking down that dark alley
***** in hand
a life with no plan

im waking up
to the pieces in my life
that i just cant change

im waking up
to the experiences i've had down the line
that pierce my soul

im waking up
to all the good, bad, and ugly
memories that i must let go

im waking up
and its about time
to step up
and claim whats mine

The bright sunshine pears through the curtains that so anxiously await to be torn open
The promise of the day is piercing in every breath that is given

For what can ruin the beauty of a new day, a new moment?
A new day to live your life anew
Yesterdays mistakes are in the shadows of the past
Today is a chance to move forward at last.

what frightens me in the world today
is that nobody knows
nobody is aware
people are suffering

everywhere

what frightens me in the world today
success in unreachable
nobody is ever happy
we are trapped behind our faults


bring us to the times where
generosity wasn't a surprise
where soft souls walked into our lives
just to simply bring a smile

where in this world today shall we look for happiness
where can we find a path where humility bridges over
the pain
suffering
anguish
loneliness
hunger
death
and the broken hearts of this world

we need to rise up in this new year
bring upon change that inflicts joy
a simple smile

let our resolutions not be for OUR own good
but for the good of OUR surroundings, our neighbors, our enemies

for when you learn to love and wish for the better of your enemies
i believe in that time, you can truly find peace

In the moments that i feel empty
bottomless
broken

Your love gives me new skin
life
breath
devotion

Sometimes distance draws us together
apart
stronger
weak

But being with you in somber moments
strengthens
reminds
pursues

Helping us to strive towards the future
forever
commited
love
devotion

Tis the season
to gather together
where worries fade
dreams grow strong

grins grow wide
love shines bright
family is near
hate is far

tis the season
wherever you are.

Her mind is shattered with the insecurity of the future
her jeans are tattered
dreams of tomorrow disappear into the smokey blackened night

she looks ahead with eyes welling from the tears
the fears
the memories
the fate of her tomorrow

rests in her mind
what she brings with
what she leaves behind

she sits by the corner
her hands in fists
her life, her dreams, her night

won't end like this
she walks on

Tears trickle down her cheeks
she never thought she could be so weak

All those irrational thoughts
she thinks to be true

Society expects you to reach perfection
and from that perfection you will receive attention

But behind those fronts that 'they' put on
the emptiness lingers in their souls

never finding a true home
they move on from masterpieces painted by skeletons

society dances in the pits of light
while those true, kind brokenhearted people


continue to try.

One day i hope
i can break this

break this habit
i struggle with

where to turn
who to tell

its like im living
in my own hell

silence is all
i can conjure

from my quiet
lonesome

hellllllllllp

proud to be
part of history

but problems bend
me

solutions i cant find
i flee

walking down the shadowed alley
searching for food and shelter
wandering from dusk to dawn to dusk

no family, no love- just pain
only memories of a war fought
for his country he loved

has his own country turned on him
in his time of need
how dare a country let a veteran suffer

The pride for our country gets in the way
of the pride of the homeless veteran
who once gave his all, and put his life on the line
for a country who lets him wander
down a shadowed alley
with no food or water

from dusk to dawn to dusk
a forgotten warrior
is left empty and alone

with you:
length of time is irrelevant
i can't focus
i find myself frustrated
im unbelievably joyful
i learned love is a value
patience comes with practice
tolerance comes from strength
love isn't hidden
i have no shame
life is valuable
and true
and thats all because i have you.

in a crowded place where time is racing
i need some space
everyone is in a rush, priorities out of whack
take a step back
placing wants over needs
a society running on greed
reality will find you

I ask him why hes so sweet
I ask him why he constantly says "i love you"
I ask him why he always looks into my eyes.
I ask him why he always holds my hand
I ask him "Why me?"

he chuckles, takes my hand, looks into my eyes
and with words so sweet he whispers
"Cant you see, i love you"

wait for me
im almost there
your running far ahead
i run at my fastest pace
still unable to catch up
you are almost out of sight
i give it one more push
your out of sight
all i wanted was
for you to wait
for me

we lay apart
an invisible force dividing us.

i can hear my heart
not quite sure who it beats for anymore.

Your kisses are empty
as your cold lips senselessly touch mine

where to go from here
empty kisses
and our invisible atmosphere.

Traveling, wantering, nowhere to be found
i dont know where im going
im deaf to the sound

listening, watching, negotiating fight or flight.
damage is done
i have lost all sight

deaf to the sounds leading me from inspiration
losing sight of my dreams and imaginations

heaven swallows me whole
as i look at you
the photograph  in my hand

i think about your face
so unfamiliar
so long ago

memories pour out over me
as i rush to take it all in
your breath
upon my skin

but i can't feel you anymore
tears rush down my face
your so far away
from me

i was just a little girl
that of 5

My world and all i knew
was you, mommy, *****.

you told me you would show me what love was
you touched me in all the wrong places

you left me bruised
we had to tell on you.

you went away for a long time
haven't seen you since

mommy said your paying for what you did
taking away my innocence

i look back at the childhood i lost
a fate i could't escape

but who i am today, i am unbroken
on you i don't cast my hate

nor my love