I don't understand
You said nothing was special to me
So I gave you everything to make up for it
Then threw it back in my face
And said it wasn't good enough

I don't understand
How you jacking off to pictures
Of women more beautiful than me
While you were still with me
Is not as bad as me
Using dudes for comfort
When you aren't even there

I don't understand
How with one breath you can say
"I love you"
And with the next
"I can't trust you"
And then call me a princess again

I don't understand
Why it's so normal for me
To spend all day being held by you
And cry myself to sleep every night

I don't understand
Why it's harder to like myself in the mirror
After you
Than it was before you

I don't understand
You wanted someone so dependent on you
That if you left their life would fall apart
And then won't believe it
When I am that person

I don't understand
How you don't see that you're using me
The same way I used others
When you were far away
Because I make you feel better
I won't let you keep taking
When you refuse to give any back

God help me

I'm the next act on stage.
Good.
It's about ******* time all that needed to be said
Finds a way to get out.

So here's the thing:
I've made mistakes
I've ****** up a lot, and I'm willing to admit that
Because every ******, I learn from it
Unfortunately sometimes it takes more than once.

So my first big ******:
I made love.
18 years old, questioning everything
ANGRY for the first time in my life
Really truly ANGRY
and REBELLIOUS
Like I've never been before.
So angry at a God that presumed
To ask everything of me and give nothing back
Who took and took and took and took
And let others take from me, from others
Especially women, a long long time ago
And maybe they were stupid
And maybe they were awful people
And maybe they deserved it but they were STILL PEOPLE
Still women
Still girls like me
Scared and lonely
Hungry for an outlet for all of the ****** passion
And anger DEAR GOD SUCH ANGER
That had built up inside.

So I was mad
And I felt alone
Except for one thing
Him
He who I now look back on and wonder what
My rational brain could have seen
In a hundred thousand eons of pain and suffering and loneliness
What it could have seen in a rat
In a **** like him
But he wasn't that bad
I'm just angry

We made love
We loved each other
And I had anger
So we made love.
As if loving each other made it alright
Because what they never tell you in Sunday school
What they never really get across with all the
"Shou shalt not's" and "Don't touch that's"
About chastity
What they do tell you is don't do it
But they never ******* tell you why
Because it isn't going to last.
It really just isn't
Even though you think it will
Put that stupidity aside and see for JUST A SECOND
It won't.
Just assume it wont.
And you'll be with someone else
And they'll be hurt
They will actually be ******* SHATTERED
That you didn't save anything special for them
That you have nothing to give them that you didn't first give to someone else.

So yeah, I left.
I'm usually the one that leaves.
Out of 10's or 20's of loves
I'm the one that usually loses it first
Except for twice...
Nah... Nah now it's thrice.
And I loved again
And left
And I loved again
And left.
And at one point I felt sorry for what I did
But nah, that was an illusion
Brought on by the tears he wept when I told him
I had nothing left to give only to him.

Then I met another Him
And I told him early because
I was SO SICK AND ******* TIRED
Of having to hide what I had done
Pretending to feel guilty about making love
To a little **** who I loved once
But no, he wasn't that bad
He didn't know any better
I'm the ****. I am.

So I told him
And he got scared
But then he came back...
Oh my god he came back, I thought he would leave.
And he held me tighter
And he loved me more
And he forgave me
He moved on
He trusted me
But back up a little.

And breathe.

His name was Hunter.
And when I met him, I was dating the guy I thought I would change for
And a week later I left.
And I immediately got googly-eyed over Hunter
But also someone else.
His name was Collin.
Collin got to me first, because,
Crazy thing
He seemed more mature
And like he could handle it better if I didn't want to be attached yet
So I told him I didn't want anything serious
And we made out.

And then I started falling more for Hunter
Because Collin was a one-upper.
And Hunter was sweet and interesting
Intelligent in speech
On our first date
We discussed Neitzche in a ****** local burger joint
And he was beautiful
In my life I don't think I will ever find Adonis in the flesh again
And eventually, after trying very hard
I got him to kiss me
God how he kisses is like tasting wine
And has the same affect on my mind
And excites my body beyond what I've felt before
And that lasted the whole time I was with him
It still hasn't gone away
To this day if he kissed me
I think my cells would fly apart with joy

Now here's where my shittiness comes back in
And makes everything confusing
So I was making out with Collin one night
And Hunter the next
And I told them both
I ******* TOLD HIM
"We are not dating."
I said that.
Exactly that.
Meaning there is NO commitment
NO expectations
YOU can do whatever you want with whoever
AND SO CAN I

Eventually Hunter persuaded me to be his girl.
So I basically just started ignoring Collin
Stopped making out
Stopped hanging out
Stopped talking pretty much
So I could be with just the one I had COMMITTED myself to.
And we were happy.
Until I told him.

Then he was hurt.
He felt betrayed
Even though I ******* TOLD HIM
WE ARE NOT DATING
During that time
He felt he had claim on me during that time
Just because he had kissed me
He said "I wish you had told me how little a kiss means to you
I would never have ******* kissed you."
And I got ANGRY
And then you know what?

I said I'm sorry
I said you're right
I said "I put his feelings before yours, that was wrong, and it will never happen again."
I should've never done that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And I gave him power over me
That no one should ever have.

We spent the last month or two
In despairing bliss
Knowing that at the end of the college semester
Which had been so short
He would go home to Georgia
And I would return to the mountains
And I had played the long-distance game before
And would not do it again

I should have just taken what I could get

So the last day, we helped each other pack
We cried
So much
Into each other's shirts and shoulders
Hearts breaking but hopeful
For a promise
I promised him
AND THIS IS THE ONLY THING I PROMISED
That at the end of the summer
We would both be available
So that we could try again
THAT'S IT

So I cried my way home
And he took his plane
And we Skyped until 2 his time every night
After about another month
The usual sadness and loneliness hit
Being home is bad for me
I lose sense of up and down
As I feel my wheels spinning on the ice
In the freezing summer between springs
I missed him
So much that I felt empty
I ached and hungered and died every day
Though it was nice to see my old friends again
But the worst thing happened
I remembered that I like flirting
And I had already ****** up once

Why not do it again?
Three more times?

For two months I didn't make love
I ******
Mindlessly
Cuddled for a bit with a friend
Then he'd admit he liked me
I'd tell him I wasn't going to date this summer
And he'd get hard
And he'd get insistent
"We can just be friends with benefits"
He'd say
He genuinely liked me
They always did
One even said he loved me
I had no such emotion for them
I just wanted to not feel so alone

So we'd cuddle, talk, kiss, ****,
And I'd go home every time still empty
Still cold
Still alone
And sad
And guilty
And for two months I wandered around in that hell
Wondering why it wasn't getting any warmer
Wondering how the **** I was still alone
With all these men that wanted me so bad
And every night as I fell asleep I thought about Hunter
Oh God... I could never tell him
No, he would never understand

And he didn't.
When I finally told him
Not because it was any of his ******* business
BECAUSE IT WASN'T
We were not dating
There was no commitment
No promises except that I'd be there in the end
We kept admitting love for one another
Which was a mistake in retrospect
But he had no right to feel such claim on me

The worst part was that he had asked me over the summer
And I had lied and justified
And gotten angry
SO ******* ANGRY at him
Every time he got suspicious
HE HAD NO ******* RIGHT
And I got angry
Because I was guilty
Especially because it wasn't helping
And all I wanted was him

So I told him
Not because he had a right to know
But because I finally trusted him enough
And wanted no secrets between us
Wanted one SINGLE ******* PERSON
Who I could show my whole self to
Tell everything to
Just one
And I wanted it to be him
And he was angry

And oh god for days he was angry
And every night he made me cry
Because I told him to let it out
That it might help
So he called me *****
He called me ****
He called me cheater
He told me that nothing meant anything to me
That nothing was special to me
Nothing physical would ever be special or worth anything from me
But... But I still don't understand
Honesty
That was important to me
That was everything to me
And I had given it to him
I don't understand
Why he walked all over it
Why

That
That's enough
I can't talk about this anymore right now
Ask me again another day
Just not right now

Alright I guess I should anyway

So the last month of summer
I was with no one
I spent every night Skyping him
Every night either crying in the hurt of his angry words
Or singing my love and praises for him
And when he went on a trip and couldn't call me
I took pictures and screenshots every night
To show him I wasn't out again
I was at home
Safe
Alone
Waiting for him

A month it went on like that
Until it was finally one week before school
I drove down to the college, picked him up
He greeted me at the door and I lept into his arms
And he held me and we cried
And there was love
And I felt complete
And I could finally breathe again
And the gasps wracked my body with pleasure and pain

I took him and we spent a week of heaven
In my home in the mountain
He met my family
And they all loved him
And we talked
Once in a while there would be a sad moment
But he said he'd try
He said he loved me
And I had hope...

Why didn't he try?
He left me when we got back to school
Why didn't he stay
I don't understand
I've tried so hard
I've mended fences with God
Hoping he can help me
But it's taking time
And it doesn't mean anything to Hunter
Why?
I told him all of the truth
All of it
And laid myself at his feet
Just asking that when he was done abusing me
Done being angry
Done with his vengeance
That he would love me
And keep me
And stay
But he left
I don't understand
I tried. So hard.

And I can't let go of him
How can I?
I invested my whole self in the warm and golden dream
Of lying in his arms at night
I changed myself to be what he wanted
I changed my mind to match his
What more could I do?

Don't I deserve forgiveness?
Haven't I earned just one last chance?

I'm empty

Hollowed out inside

All that was inside

I've carved it out

Piece by piece

All bleeding on the floor

Until there's nothing left for me to give you

Until there's nothing I have left to give you

That is special and untouched

I used to be just like you

Kisses were like secrets

Best shared little

And given in the dark

But when I wanted to give my first little secret away

He had already given his

And it angered me

So I drove him away

So far that he was frightened

And we never really spoke again

How could he?

How could he.

But I had learned my first lesson:

That it is better to forgive a secret told,

Than to drive away the teller forever.

And one day I told my secret

And later, wondered why

What had I seen in my confidant?

I should have saved it longer

So I thought I'd do much better next time

So I told it again

And again

And again

And one day I gave up on it being secret anymore.

It wasn't a big deal,

It didn't matter anymore,

Because I and others had treated it that way

And I had never been sure.

Then one day I trusted someone

I wanted to tell him a secret

But the only secret I had left to share

Was one that was very big

And very special

And I should not have given it away.

And in the end

It happened again

My secret told,

I gave up on meaning

And told,

And told again.

And now I have no secrets left

To give to you my dear

I even told you all my lies

And all my truths and fears

And I'm grasping

Reaching for anything

And everything that I might have left

I'll give you all

Again and again

And I'll take it all

All the words

And anger

And fear

I'll lie down and take it all

And while you and I both beat me senseless with our words

My every breath will be

A wish upon the stars in my eyes

That you will one day see

How much I love you

And all you mean to me.

There is no pain quite so keen
As the sound of the word "friend."
For all our souls know
The distinct, and destructive cadence
Of the letters "e-n-d"
Which are both inherent
And necessary
To a good friendship.

Dear God,

Why don't you love me?
Everyone tells me you do.
Everyone tells me you will
Everyone tells me you will as long as I'm a good, good girl.
Well I'm not a good girl, and I'm not terribly sorry.
Everyone tells me you love me anyway.
Why do they say it over and over
You never do.
No, you never say "I love you, Tracie."

No, not in my ear
No, not in my holy books
No, not in my heart.
No, no, no.
Not once does it say
John 3:16
"I love you, Tracie."
Not once.

You're supposed to love me.
You're supposed to be my daddy.
I have a daddy, and he's real.
He's here.
He's with me all the time.
He tells me every day
"Tracie, I love you.
You are my cupcake princess."
Daddy says he loves me.
Aren't you supposed to be my daddy too?
Matthew 5:48
Daddy why don't you love me?

Why can't you HEAR me, Daddy?
Can't you hear your aching child?
Can't you hear the cries within me
Of your little one lost in the dark
When the voice of her father has left her
Without compass by which to navigate?
Don't you hear me when I curl up inside
Knocked to the floor on my bed
Holding myself close in my apartment
Screaming in my soul
"Daddy, why won't you protect me from the monsters
From the demons in my head
From the eyes in the dark that come to me at night
When I can't sleep and they tear me apart
Because they're coming from inside of me and
No one else can see them in the dark
Turn on the light!
TURN ON THE LIGHT!
DADDY ARE YOU THERE"

And the darkness answers nay.

One day it won't hurt.
One day I'll stop caring
One day I'll stop hating you
Because I'll have stopped loving you
One day I won't be afraid.
You don't have to love me, I suppose.
If that's what you want.
And one day I won't hate you for it.
You don't have to love me
Just never ask for me to love you either.

You don't get it... Do you.
You don't understand what this means.
The fact that you won't even look for help
Won't even try
Thinking you can muscle through it on your own
Like you did last time
Well this isn't last time.
It went away last time.
What if it takes longer this time
What if it takes just a little longer than you can stand
Just a little longer than you can bear
What if it doesn't -go- away this time

You don't understand
Why I'm so scared for you
Why the thought of you trying to do this without help
Without any of your friends around
Without me there
Without a single pillar of support
How the **** are you going to manage that huh?
I'm not saying you're not strong, but Jesus, Hunter, can you even remember what it was like?
I do.
And I wasn't even there.

I remember
Because I was there for you before
You... But a different you.
A different you, in a different town with a different name
But I was there

You don't understand why the thought of you going through this knocks me to my knees at your feet
Begging, pleading,
Praying in earnest for the first time in years
That you won't be so ******* proud...
That you'll put down your defiance and accept help,
That you'll ask for what you need rather than allowing yourself to sit in the dark and suffer an ignominious death of self in the oppressive silence of solitude...
That you won't be alone...
That you won't do it.
That when the silence has totally deafened you to my words of affection and reassurance, that when the winter of solitude has numbed you beyond the point of feeling pain, or passion, guilt or redemption, or the will to live, that when the sun has burned out, and falls to the ground at your feet, never again to shed warmth in your world or mine,
That you won't kick it aside...
That you won't do it.
That you won't pull that trigger, nor take the longest one - step walk you've ever seen.

You don't understand why I'm afraid
I was there before.
When you were a sweet and happy child
Knowing no pain that could not be fixed by wrapping it in band-aids but,
Suffering the awkward throes of early youth, you found the darkness of every man inside yourself, and before you could look away
It had embraced you.
Then I saw
For the first time I understood
What the books meant when they described someone as having "empty eyes"
As being "gaunt", or having features that are "sunken and cold."
I saw you struggle
And I saw when you gave up
I watched you, Hunter.
I watched you drown.
Slowly, I saw your eyes lose the light of life and warmth
Felt your hands turn stiff with blood turned cold
I watched someone I loved die.
He's alive today.
But he died.
I saw it.

You don't understand.
I drowned a little every day
Every day I tried so hard to keep your ******* head above water, but you had stopped fighting
Stopped thrashing against the icy waters
You GAVE UP, ******...
And I almost did too.

Have I ever told you I'm afraid of drowning?
And here you are again
Stepping into the same water.
I can't keep your head above the waves.
I can't do it, not on my own
But you won't ask for help.
Why don't you cry for help, why don't you TRY?!
And all I can do is be here treading water, watching,
Floundering helplessly,
Once again watching you drown...

Do you understand? Do you know why I'm afraid?

Her nightmares are rare
But they are fierce when they’re there
When she wakes up in tears, it’s not like nobody cares
But she’s a giving soul who knows inside
That they all need their rest
She won’t call him late at night because
Tomorrow he must be at his best
Still, in desperate need she reaches out
Into the darkest deeps
To her nightstand drawer, where from months before
So tenderly she keeps

A little scrap of paper
Torn around the edge
All marked up and scribbled on
With his handwritten pledge
To love and to hold
Written out in number code
She knows she’ll never be afraid
As long as she can hold it in her hand
The little scrap of paper from her nightstand

Their little fights don’t happen often
But it takes time for her heart to soften
When she goes away in tears, she wonders if he cares
But she’s a loving soul who knows inside
That she just needs a break
She’ll cry until she’s out of breath
And her head will start to ache
Then in desperate need, she will reach out
From the coldest, darkest deeps
To her nightstand drawer, where from years before
She secretly still keeps

A little scrap of paper
Torn around the edge
All marked up and scribbled on
With his untarnished pledge
To love and to hold
Written out in number code
She knows she can’t be angry long
As long as she can hold it in her hand
The little scrap of paper from her nightstand

And the years fly by
And the flowers die
And the winter presses in
Still the snow can’t harm her
He’ll keep her warm with the
Page of his heart that he gave
Yes words last far beyond age’s curse
When written on the note he slipped in her purse

Her nightmares are rare
But they are fierce when they’re there
When she wakes up in tears, and knows he isn’t there
But she’s a patient soul who knows inside
That she’ll see him again
He’s the only reason she still talks to God
Because God will give him her “amen.”
Still, in desperate need she reaches out
From the coldest, darkest deeps
To her nightstand drawer, where from ages before
She still reads, and she still keeps

A little scrap of paper
Frayed around the edge
All stained dark and wrinkled up
Containing his undying pledge
To love and to hold
Written out in number code
She knows she won’t be lonely long
As long as she can hold it in her hand
The little scrap of paper from her nightstand