You don't get it... Do you.
You don't understand what this means.
The fact that you won't even look for help
Won't even try
Thinking you can muscle through it on your own
Like you did last time
Well this isn't last time.
It went away last time.
What if it takes longer this time
What if it takes just a little longer than you can stand
Just a little longer than you can bear
What if it doesn't -go- away this time
You don't understand
Why I'm so scared for you
Why the thought of you trying to do this without help
Without any of your friends around
Without me there
Without a single pillar of support
How the **** are you going to manage that huh?
I'm not saying you're not strong, but Jesus, Hunter, can you even remember what it was like?
And I wasn't even there.
Because I was there for you before
You... But a different you.
A different you, in a different town with a different name
But I was there
You don't understand why the thought of you going through this knocks me to my knees at your feet
Praying in earnest for the first time in years
That you won't be so ******* proud...
That you'll put down your defiance and accept help,
That you'll ask for what you need rather than allowing yourself to sit in the dark and suffer an ignominious death of self in the oppressive silence of solitude...
That you won't be alone...
That you won't do it.
That when the silence has totally deafened you to my words of affection and reassurance, that when the winter of solitude has numbed you beyond the point of feeling pain, or passion, guilt or redemption, or the will to live, that when the sun has burned out, and falls to the ground at your feet, never again to shed warmth in your world or mine,
That you won't kick it aside...
That you won't do it.
That you won't pull that trigger, nor take the longest one - step walk you've ever seen.
You don't understand why I'm afraid
I was there before.
When you were a sweet and happy child
Knowing no pain that could not be fixed by wrapping it in band-aids but,
Suffering the awkward throes of early youth, you found the darkness of every man inside yourself, and before you could look away
It had embraced you.
Then I saw
For the first time I understood
What the books meant when they described someone as having "empty eyes"
As being "gaunt", or having features that are "sunken and cold."
I saw you struggle
And I saw when you gave up
I watched you, Hunter.
I watched you drown.
Slowly, I saw your eyes lose the light of life and warmth
Felt your hands turn stiff with blood turned cold
I watched someone I loved die.
He's alive today.
But he died.
I saw it.
You don't understand.
I drowned a little every day
Every day I tried so hard to keep your ******* head above water, but you had stopped fighting
Stopped thrashing against the icy waters
You GAVE UP, ******...
And I almost did too.
Have I ever told you I'm afraid of drowning?
And here you are again
Stepping into the same water.
I can't keep your head above the waves.
I can't do it, not on my own
But you won't ask for help.
Why don't you cry for help, why don't you TRY?!
And all I can do is be here treading water, watching,
Once again watching you drown...
Do you understand? Do you know why I'm afraid?