what is this like?
this is love.
this is me, feeling like i hold the world when you turn towards me,
and your cheeks are soft pink and you look up,
and give me a soft smile, ducking your head.

this is me, unwrapping kisses and wanting to hand-feed them,
wanting to pull you close,
wanting this to last forever.

more than anything, this is me afraid.
i don’t want to ruin this, or us,
or love.
i want to know exactly how you feel,
and i want all of you.

i want to see your poems,
unravel your mysteries and study you,
map you like the stars
-discovering more and more of the most beautiful thing.
wanting to delve into it.

and i guess this is us
-feeding each other kisses,
blushing, wanting, cautious, afraid, hopeful.
this is us, building a map of the stars and galaxies and never knowing enough.

this is us, wanting to be happy
-being afraid, and thinking, thinking, wondering.
taking it slow -because the first things we’ve ever done will be with each other.
and sometimes, there may be others, other things, but we’ll have each other.

and this is me, listening to the same music because it tells me
-we have something beautiful ahead of us,
that i’ll never regret.

this is what feeling (loving?) you is like.
all of these things, this wonderful feeling that makes us beautiful,
and somehow i wish the world could know,
because i’m afraid,
but so happy.

what chance does the rain have,
of fixing a broken heart?

i told you once that i didn’t love you,
on a cold morning,
as raindrops fell from the swollen clouds.

so similar to the rain on a day,
when drumbeats sounded from the canvas of stars,
and our faces turned to watch the heavens open up,
phantom hands grasping each others.

i lay alone under the clouds,
listen to the afterworld pour it’s sorrows,
sliding down my bedroom windows
remembering a night you held me close
and i couldn’t breathe.

i told you that you’d hold me,
that day
forevermore
and you held me, and held me,
until i felt like i was on fire,
so i set myself in stone.

as the stone cracks,
i feel the rain on my face again,
and i long to hold your hand
watch the god’s home above
as they shed tears for us,
this small world
under storms of fires and drums.

this poem needs a continuation
-it has to be metaphorically beautiful,
more than us.

it -this poem,
should be a ballad.
a saga.

but darling, we’re not really anything,
we’re not really anything at all.

i wish i could break these walls down,
but these words (honey, sweetheart, darling),
they get stuck in my mouth with you.

i wish i could tell who made me realize,
who my “special someone” (as you said it),
is but i don’t want to ruin us.

you’ll only be darling in my head.
we’re only lovers in my heart.

every dance i’d dance with you,
but i know i couldn’t dance with you,
unless you knew everything.

but if you knew everything,
you wouldn’t want to know me at all.

so there’s the reason -
this ballad, love song, work of art, horrible poem for a lover
will stay in my heart.

am i making something out of nothing?
there are so many of them,
and they are all so beautiful.

there is the girl who i was smitten with for one night,
who can not be mine.
but she was pretty.

another, who shows me her voice,
one worthy of angels
-my greatest mystery.

yet, there is another,
she was likes them the way i do,
but she isn’t the one.

and i barely know her -lovely number four,
but what does a meaningful look, a hand on the shoulder,
you should stay, mean?

and you, angel girl
do you plan on this one day,
when you boldly told me that we’d live when we were in school together?

number four, do you even like girls?
the people i’m with when i’m with you,
they sure wouldn’t like the idea that i like girls. you?

what does getting to know you mean?
what does it mean when you seek me out in conversation?
what does it mean when i look so hard for someone to fall for?

does it mean me wonder why you don’t text so often
-is it not a thing you do?
or perhaps do you love to show me this when you can see my face?

i’m talking to you number two.
just saying.
by the way, we could watch these films together, they’re cute.

as you say, you’re not looking for something,
but you’ll let whatever happens happen.
what if i happened. hypothetically?

i am falling apart.
i sit alone, with torn garments i can’t bear to throw away,
wonder about a life -more like a pipe dream,
when in reality when we try, we are the type they write sad piano odds about.

i say goodbye,
pulling my sweater close to my chest shivering by the door,
and picture us in a warm place, surrounded by people offering us hands,
dancers moving around us, soft and slower.

whispered words, becoming us.
but i can’t whisper to you, because my voice comes out in screams,
yet all i hear is an orchestra the rest of us could never afford,
only dream of.

we try so hard,
and by the time we’re at the top -we shall be,
i think i’ll have lost you,
to the vines that break the soft stones in the sun.

do lovers, the ones who have love,
that seems as if it’s boundless,
in death that makes it timeless,
live in time, or do they ascend to the stars?

will it ever be that the last time becomes the first time,
as each touch becomes more intense,
because each touch is so much closer to the last time,
when i know you’ll fall into a future you hate.

lingering fingers,
pressed against your soft skin,
who’s soft skin?
hers, hers, hers?

fingers that press with more and more urgency,
arms that wrap tighter and become more frail,
eyes veiled with more and more sadness,
our love could fall to ruins.

each thought is lighting,
across a mess
-of weaving gardens,
where roses cough up petals.

strange creatures with thorny hearts,
soft champagne made of tea and of gold,
i wonder i wonder how this beautiful world,
this beautiful world,
became so dark.

they fall, i fall,
down a rabbit hole,
where queens of red tear my thoughts,
and queens of white eat my heart.

i wonder, wonder how each creature changed,
when i fell down the rabbit hole.
sweet little bugs you’re giant monsters,
decadent cakes you’re made of scents,
clear water you’re cold.

soft little hearts, notes between schoolboys
suddenly rip my skin,
pumpkin mazes where i used to wander
they pull me under,
under in the dark.

they fall, i fall,
down a rabbit hole,
where queens of red tear my thoughts,
and queens of white eat my heart.

they fall, i fall,
(roses and petals)
down a rabbit hole,
(thorny hearts)
where queens of red tear my head,
(this beautiful world)
and queens of white eat my heart.
(so dark)