Without


I never wanted to fight you
Never wanted to see you cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

Starting off, we seemed so happy.
Even enjoying the silence
Working on our projects
Protected by your presence.

When did it begin to change?
When did the cracks first appear?
Did we try to say something?
Did we simply not hear?

I never wanted to leave you
Never wanted you to see me cry.
Never wanted to lose you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

I cannot remember what was said.
I cannot remember who yelled first.
I suppose it doesn't matter.
We dared each other to our worst.

You said that you didn't love me.
I know you said it just to see me cry.
You no longer wanted to live with me.
When we both knew that was a lie.

I never wanted to fight you
Never wanted to see you cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

You watched as I packed my suitcase.
Glaring at me with narrowed eyes.
Using your anger to sustain you.
Trying to hurt me with lies.

You said you'd call a lawyer.
End this thing once and for all.
As I opened the front door
Both our facades began to fall.

Anger fueled by ego.
Ego fueled by pride.
Hurt by something we didn't remember.
Hurt by something from outside.

I never wanted you to fight me
Never wanted you to see me cry.
Never wanted to leave you.
Never wanted to try
To live without you.

I tried to think of life without you.
Without your smell, without you laugh.
Without your love I knew I had nothing.
But it hurt too much to look back.


I climb into the taxi
And started to pull away
I muttered to myself
"Does it have to end this way?"

I lean forward to tell the driver
I've changed my mind,  please stop!
Flinging open the car door
I step onto the sidewalk

Looking back to see you
Confusion on your face
Measured steps are forgotten
And become a desperate race.

You're running down the steps
Sprinting hard at me
You've run it through your mind
And you've seen how it would be.
You do not want to do it
Don't want to live without me.

We do not want to do it.
On that our love agrees.
We will not live apart.
Will not try . . .

Without.

your absence is
like the aftermath
of the storm

i'm left to wonder
whether i prefer
the desperate
insanity you blew
into my life

or the deadly
silence.

i watched you dance
in the middle of the neon lit room
and as much as i loved you
i could not help but feel envious.
there was jealousy i could have sworn would **** me
jealousy for the way you could
move your body to the beats of youthfulness
jealousy for the way you could
smile and laugh with slightly drunken people
you didn't even know
jealousy for your confidence in the restless crowds
jealousy for the way you acted so carelessly on friday nights
the way i wish i could

i shouldn't have the privilege of feeling sad when people leave me because i never do anything to show them that i wanted them to stay in the first place

Relentless trav'lers
know not the peace of farmers'
ordinary life

Don't fall in love with your friends.

Don't catch eyes with them across a party.
Don't notice how bright their smile shines.
Don't listen to the deafening beautiful sound of their laughter.

When you're drunk and alone, don't say,
"Can I lay my head on your lap?"
Don't notice the gentle way they touch your hair.
Don't admire the way they moved to the floor after you fell asleep.

Don't let the warm embrace go to your head.
When they kiss you,
Don't obsess over the perfection of their lips.
You need to know, he will never kiss you that way again.

When you cry together,
Don't believe it's understanding.
Just know you both are weak.

When you meet again,
Don't let your heart flutter.
Don't stare at them like they are the most beautiful thing in the world.
Don't.

Don't fall in love with your friends.
You need to know you'll never be anything more than that.

Hell is
being with you in my
sleep
But waking up
all alone
With windows open
and wine bottles shattered
on the floor
Hell is
standing in the shadows watching
you adore another woman
Kissing her and holding her
Hell is
being all alone without the soul I adored

                          S.M.R.