my mom was right
when she said "don't look into their pretty eyes
you'll lose yourself in them" she said
"and they'll steal the most beautiful parts of you for themselves"
but i did not listen to my mother
instead i listened to the boys with eyes full of wonder
when they filled my head with lies
i suppose i had a thing for the way the words tasted off their tongues
making me feel they could do no wrong

my mom was right
when she said "don't let them taste your beautiful skin
they'll never be able to see you as more than a body after that" she said
but i was a silly little girl
and i bared flesh to the boys with strong hands
and sparkling teeth
it was just that when they touched me
it felt as if they'd never let me go
i felt safe
but i ended up becoming just another flavor on their list
a one-time taste

my mom was right
when she said "don't fall for the ones who seem to care about that precious mind of yours
because they don't"
she said
"because they never will"
she said
"they’re using your mind & your thoughts
as a method to get inside your body"
she said
yet i ended up pouring out my heart to boys with faces shining as bright as the moon
i told them about my wildest desires and my craziest dreams
like how i wanted to change the world and make people smile
they smiled
and listened
while they slowly unbuttoned my top
one piece of clothing at a time
i undressed my soul when all they wanted was for me to undress my body

my mom was right
when she said "don’t fall in love with their “live fast die young” attitudes
their definition of living in the moment
is use and abuse, my darling daughter,
don’t listen to the words they speak with their hands"
she said
"don’t let them fool you into thinking that your one night long romance
is b e a u t i f u l"
but i couldn’t help myself
i fell hard and i fell fast
spent the rest of my nights
wondering why it felt so wrong when at the time it felt so right
i blamed myself for being too clingy
when the truth was
i was just naïve and silly
they asked for my body
and i gave them my heart along with it
silly
silly
silly girl

my mom was right all along
& i wish i'd realized that
before i ended up all alone in my bed
my blanket full of regret
and stains of my mistakes
i'm sorry, mommy,
i'm sorry i didn’t realize you were right from the very start
now i'm paying my dues in *sweat, blood & tears

everyone speaks of going to heaven
"may his soul rest in peace"
acting as if they don't realize
he chose this for himself
conciously decided to take his life
he did not grow wings and fly away
his coffin is not empty
it has a body
and that body has rope marks
around the neck
his hands are cold
his eyes are shut
his organs are slowly rotting away
it is not beautiful
he is not an angel
he is the dead remains
of what once was
and all those saying
"he is in a better place"
have absolutely no proof of their statement
and neither did he,
all he knew was
that no matter what awaited him in the afterlife,
it could be no worse than the life he was living right now
it was not an accident
he did not fall,
he jumped
he chose to die
he chose to die this way
because the pain of death
& the pain of the dead
was nothing in comparison to the pain of life & the living
because it was easier
to hang himself from the hook on the ceiling
than to wake up the next morning
and look at himself in the mirror
he could not run from life
unless he was running towards death
so he chose
to win the race
first place
*once and for all