Beauty is draining from the world at an alarming rate...

Nothing means anything anymore.

*** is just a past time and not an expression of anything, trust or otherwise.

Words mean little, often biting and cruel

Society has grown jaded and water is thicker than blood.

Family keep secrets and speak not to each other, but to the masks each has created.

Friends are not true and often hard to find....

Loneliness is an epidemic, and no one cares enough to find the cure.

You're lying to yourself.
Slipping back into what is easy, warm and comforting.

Avoiding confrontation with your keepers - who have enough on their plate.
To please them, you lock yourself away.

You fool, you're blind to your complacency. That I can see. I did the same. My eyes are open. I suffered. I told my tale.

Now you're fool enough to do the same anyway.
Well I did my part.
But I will still be angry at stupidity.

Well sometimes, life isn't easy, and you have to fight against people you love.
Life won't wait for you to be ready.
You have to be strong now, get it together now, before it's too late.


Why you're sad,
Why you're unfulfilled,
Why you're longing for her even though that's not what you want:

You want yourself.

I'll never forget the first time I met you. A block of beige, a shimmer of gold and a flickering smirk in warm light, secluded in a newly built nook and stood among others that paled in comparison.

I chose you, curious and opened your pages to be met with the sort of person I wanted to be in djinn form and an ambitious boy, with the name of my first love.

I just met you and bid you goodbye again, everything from this point on will be memories and playbacks. I will miss you deeply, for your words are now written in the very depths of my being.

But it is good to know in some ways , that you will stay the same.

And I'm sorry for loving you
Because I know it wasn't real love
And I know it was wrong.
But you make me spin.

I know you know quadrants
I could never be what you need
You gave me a taste and ripped it away and I'm done.
You weren't cruel, stated intentions. It was me who said "maybe " and "because" and it just, won't fly with you.

It wasn't real
It wasn't real.

All I need is your approval.
I fall at your feet and all you are is a boy, and that's scary for a boy.

I'd like to be your friend but it's only when I'm drunk I can be brave enough to give you recommendations and music.

You probably never think of me
You're only here for her
I get it
I know I'm not enough
I know I'm not good.

I'm grateful you even breathe in my direction.
I should be more grateful you expend oxygen to occasionally speak to me.
I'm not worth the time.
I'm not worth
Anything.

I will not be with you forever.

It’s a simple truth many do not wish to hear, we may split apart in life due to differences of any kind, our bodies may fail us, only for our spirits to be separated for all eternity.

But no matter what happens, a part of me will always love you, and I know this. You’ve wrapped yourself so tightly into me, and I didn’t notice. How?
I will never know how, when I had pushed my walls up higher than they had ever been. If a prince could not love me then what good was I to anyone else. I had given up until you convinced me to try.

I don’t miss you like I feel I should, I know I am broken but I hate it, it is not fair on you. Should love be suffering? I’m not sure, I never have been sure.

I develop crushes, I watch tv shows – all to distract myself from the thought of you, the thought of loving so deeply again.

Please understand that I do not understand, but I theorise it is because I am terrified of losing myself. I’m scared of splitting into pieces that I can’t stick back together because ****, the last time I loved, oh the last time I loved I gave my entire self in all its forms and it wasn’t enough.

But I’m trying to make sure you stay, because, without you, I’d be so lonely and lost. I am trying to communicate and...

I'm sorry.

I was created in orderly chaos
I woke to eyes of all colours, a swirling mass of kindness.
Then, all I knew was a purpose and how to change.

he went to sleep thirty minutes ago
and thats ok
but the silence that isn't silence seeps into my brain
and corrupts the veins that are already black with self hatred
people are sick of me and that's ok,
I dance with the alcoholics, I can't be trusted
I am desperately sad and no one can save me
and thats ok, thats ok.

It's ok.

Oh Dionysus.
How I miss you,
but your blood....gives me anxiety.
It makes people hate me, I can't stand to be
alone.

I can't say I don't miss dancing with you
But it's not much of a party with just the two of us.
No one else is willing to dance for long.

There was a time where you were,
my only friend
and you would smile and take me in your arms while
I sobbed and enjoyed the haze of your being.
I in turn, worshipped you. Even if research, candles and hymns, libations of your own blood and my perfume could hardly be enough.

It's all I have, my lord.

While I miss the roiling, twisting madness of your magnificence
I shouldn't be there.
I want to be, desperately
but I pick up a bottle and look at myself in disgust and shame.
It's not you, it's me.
This is far from a disillusionment of gods.
I will still dance, my lord, just perhaps not as closely as before.

Dear Aphrodite,
I think I'm done.
I'm done with all this pain
neither of us have much to gain if I am left broken,
because how will I worship you?

If I must love again - can I be strong enough to to lose them?
I can't lose anyone else, I am done and I'm sorry but...

I

am


done.

You haven't had your first love yet,
I dread the day that you do.
Because I'm afraid I might lose you - love breaks, changes and twists any soul.

I can't protect you from the world because otherwise...
you can't learn - we won't be on the same page.

I need you strong.

A war is coming and I hope to see you by my side.

I never was strong enough.
Too young, too small, too weak.
Never witty enough to counteract your harsh words,
Never stable enough to rebel and survive.
Because of this, I can't believe anyone I meet - I am just filled with barely bridled rage.

Used to the ground falling from under me, now I trust no-one.
They all leave or betray me in the end.
Never trusting anyone has just good intent, no they must have something to gain. Something they want.

You made me this way.
I blame you.
Yet you refuse to admit what you did to me.

People say they get sick of seeing the same people and the same faces
But I find comfort in the familiarity
Even while I travel
I see aspects of those familiar faces in everyone I meet.
Strange, because I don't miss THEM - because we hardly knew each other.
The comfort of knowing OF them was enough.

I do not come to you with the usual platitudes
Things you have heard numerous times before
Though perhaps my arrogance stretches far and these words have reached your ears many a time.
How am I to know.

I would ask you, to save me.
There is no need to take any action, just keep shining.
You taught me, or rather, finalised the lesson - when my fathers should have - that you can be as fantastical as you want to be. You do not grow old, your body does.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm still growing and that there is Hope for me.

But if your light were to go - I suppose I would still live - but life would be so much darker.

Thank you for smiling when you can - I of all people know there are rainy days.

I put my headphones on to run away, to seal off my life from my head.
Just to feel normal.
To be away from you, from this, from everyone.
Because if I'm not myself, I'm not lonely.

Return to the forest where I grew.
Because that is where you will find me.

Travel to the base of the hill, to the temperamental stream
Because that is where you will find me.

Go to the park and sit on the swing nearest the car park.
Because that is where you will find me.

At the field that watches over the sun's bed, follow the path to the storm drain, my shrine.
Because that is where you will find me.

Hear me in the wind, in every spark of purple and every stupid thing relating to every stupid joke I ever made.
Find me in Samarkand and in the playlists I leave behind.

Cast me to Zephyrus, so I can be in your lungs.
Because I want you to be, where you find me.

Cigarette smoke made
Your mouth taste like ash so
I dug deeper into your throat to find an
Approximation of honesty, caked in filth and motherhood.
You would bow down before the wrong masters and yet consider yourself mine...
And a good master protects his pet, respects his pet, Listens to his pet.
Do not approach me with apologies that are late and I will not approach with the same.

Oh Prince of Ice,
release my heart from your cold grasp.
I’d follow you anywhere, yet you serve to remind me
Of my shortcomings, my losses and loves.
You are indeed, temptation.
A reminder of how I’ve made people suffer.

What I wouldn’t give to have your undivided attention
But you wouldn’t drop anything for anyone.
You are flighty, hummingbird.
Would you ever be there for anyone’s highs and lows, battling alongside them?
You’re only ever there for the good times.

I wish this wasn’t so.

I want to sing with you, I want you to teach me to dance.
I want us to go on wild adventures across all of time and space.
I want long mornings spent in our solitude.
I want us to make each other better people.

But no-one stands out to you, it’s so easy to get lost in the throng.
I’m not special compared to them,  barely even average.
I couldn't shine bright enough for your eyes.

How could it compare to the way I value the people in my life, the ones I’ve chosen?

You may end up alone my dear, and I know your life is on a knife’s edge. Maybe this makes sense to you. But what if it isn’t? What if you end up more alone than is needed?

Focus on her breathing,
the way he tenses,
afraid to lower walls for anyone.
My thoughts race, but I keep repeating;

I am here now
I am determined to cherish this, to preserve this moment.

I stroke her hair ever so gently,
a hand on his arm as a firm promise.
Now it's just us, and the music.
We breathe together in quiet understanding.

Even if just for a moment,
we are here now.

Depression can be found coiled tightly around my heart
Tugging on the strings to evoke painful memories.
Things that could have been,
Of dreams that can never be real.

Depression can be found in the mirror,
mocking my body for how it’s all wrong,
fat in places, there shouldn’t be.
Roundness where there should be angles.

Depression can be found in nature
where the beauty or lack thereof,
reminds me of how it isn't 'home'.
The stars don’t shine here.

It is always overcast.