I had a dream again.
A lovely one, with all but lust.
And yet I could feel everything.

I fell asleep in your arms, my skin on yours.
And a smile remained through the night.

I woke up this morning thinking of you,
And I searched for you in my sheets.
Then I realized.... I was a fool.

whycantwekissitbetter

I tell myself that it will be okay.
It will get easier, happier.
The monsters eating me from the insides
Will shop choping on my bones and blood
Will fill the empty spaces.

That blood will not spill out, though.
No. I promised not to. One week at a time.
But it will spil into, fill the gaps
In my mind and body where happens and flash should be.
It will get better.

Things will be fixed and the shivers in my head
Will no longer cause a blank stare on my face.
I will smile for real and love freely.
I will be happy and free, live with no struggle to live.
I will teach and learn from those who
Succeed me in my illnesses.

No one can stop me.

Tell me...
Are we falling apart like a pastry in your fingers?
Like a lost receipt in the washing machine?

Are we falling away like a thousand year old shooting star?
Like cottonwood seeds in summer?

Is our love dying like Romeo and Juliet's?
Like the symbiosis of the bees in genetically modified fields?

Are we melting to nothing like cotton candy in your mouth?
Like plastic left beside a fire, rotten and corroded?

Are we falling apart like I feared?
Or can we stay strong and figure out
What the hell we will do with our life together?
Will we stay in stress and silence?
Will you continue not to look me in the eyes?
Will you continue to kiss me like there is something wrong?
Will you think that I am a sin? A *****?
Will you be scared for me when I fall apart again?
Or will you fall away and care more about what is for dinner that day?
Will you lie to me when you stop loving me?
Will you feel obligated to stay because of my
Mind killing me from the inside out?

For once, can I stay the way
You want me to be? For once
I want to be happy and lovely.
I want to stay with him and
Blend the colors of my skin
Like oil pastels
So my lighter scars won't show through.

For once... Just once,
I want to be trusted.
Let free to make my own decisions
Without letting down the people I love.

I want to be free of confusion and fear,
the voices in my head they attempt to sway
My every step
I don't want to go down that path!

For once I just want peace. Stillness
Silence, except for a whisper from
The one I will always love.
For once, I want to allow him to
Wear his suit of armour and
Save me from my dragons.
Battle the witch that cursed me
And set me free from the ugly skin in bear.
Kiss me and wake me up from this nightmare.

For once I need to accept the things
I've already accepted in the past.
I need to let go of the things
Clouding my judgement, urges
That I can not control.

For once, can I just stay dead?

Lace and love,
                  The caress of a lover
         And the smell of roses.

                      Drapes of a deep blue shade
                                               Keep the world away.

"A touch and a sigh, simply, explain how much you miss me."

                                 I tell him so.
      Sheets askew and
                                       Tears of an unwidowed.

         "Kiss me.

Tell me that I am okay,
                   That you are okay.

       That you love me."

                                    Please.

          "I am scared and lost;
    Love me
                              Hold me

Make me feel safe!"

             Please.

                                   "Be gentle."

Sizzling my bones,
My flesh
           Cracks,
                                 Dry and medium rare.

         Yet I am cold.

Blood runs down, heating me,
                    Velvet blanket.

     Vision blurs
                                      and I f
                                                   a
                                                       l
                                                          l.
           Ribbons fly,
                                    Loquacious birds ring in my head,

     "Fall and die, demons."

Burn like I do.

                                                  Blisters in the moonlight
                    Burst and flood, drown me.

       Soothe my wounds
                                      And cause deafening silence.

I suppose I should be a star-gazer.
Expectant of everything,
As the stars are mapped and shown
To their place every night.

But it seems as though
Everyone has seen Hailey's Comet
And I've yet to see an asteroid.
Always waiting, waiting.

Is it such a task?
I place myself
At every possible spot.
Years and years pass - nothing.

Just a glimpse, just a drop
Of that euphoria of the first time,
The first wistful look into
The eyes of such a wonder.

But it moves away from me.
Every **** time.
Seeing the flaws
And jagged downfalls within me.

I am just a simple star.
He is the comet.
Never shall the two touch.