I'm officially crazy
Both about you
And otherwise

Have you noticed that
When you reflect on things
"I should've..."
I hate the feeling
And I'm stressed lately.
Maybe I can be better
And what's done is done
And I hope everything works out
No bad repercussions for something I
Can fix

Happy 4 months
My love
My dearest
Though 4 is not a big number
I think it's pretty cool that we've
Lasted.
Through trial and error
We grow stronger.
Learn more.
Love more.
And I anxiously await
Things to come.

BEFORE

Before we even started dating
I was very interested in you
I thought
"She's really unique
And cool
And into books
And smart

And cute."
Every move you made
The ease with which you made friends
And of course
How your nose was always in a book.
That interested me a lot
And I still love that
Even when I know
So much more about you.
My observations from outside.


2.  AS I WRITE

I told you I was doing something
For our six months.
It's nothing spectacular
Nothing expensive
Just time
And my thoughts
My love
I hope to put it into these words which I
Preserve for you
Uniquely mine
For uniquely you
And you alone.



3. SUSPENSE

I just told you today
And you ask for my hint
It was in one of my other poems
You read it
But didn't catch it.
It would be obvious if you did see
What the hint is.
And no, these aren't all going to be
Like this
Just basically a diary
No
They will be better.


4. LIST

I like a lot about you love
I even listed some things off to you recently.
Would you like a list?

The cute faces you constantly make
The way you fall asleep in my arms
The way you make my heart skip when you lean on me
The way your mouth moves when we kiss
Your scent that hangs on my clothes after we hang out
The way you bury your face in my chest when falling asleep
The texture of you hair
The way your face lights up when you're truly happy
The way your cheeks are fun to play with
The perfect shape of your body
Your inability to be mad at me
Your anger at people being self-destructive
Your rambles on things that you feel passionate about
Your sheer uniqueness
Your amazing beauty
The way you feel embarassed when you blush
Your quiet whimpers when I whisper that I love you in your sleep
The way you always tell someone when you're annoyed
Your ability to easily make friends
Your addiction to reading
Your crazy music taste
Your refusal to tell me games you play
Your amazing poetry
Your unique way of dressing
Your uncanny ability to look beautiful and **** in anything

And yes, there's thousands more.
But that's enough for now.


5. NIGHT

You know
I think of you always
During class
During sports
During robotics
During my dreams.
You're so great
You just sneak into my mind
And take all control from me.
I'm stuck thinking about you for awhile.
Not that I really mind.


6. SUDDENLY FRAGILE

I've known you for awhile
And now you're fragile
You seemed strong
Never once wrong
And I'm glad I grew close to you
So that I can be here for you
When you need someone
And I always want to be that someone.


7. FIVE

Today
Of all days
I'm sick.
What I wouldn't give
To kiss you once
On the cheek
Or give you a hug
Quickly
Fleetingly
I want to tell you I love you in person
But I cannot
Not today
But I will.


8. FREAKY

Do you know
How crazy it makes me feel
To just think of you?

9. ALONE

I am alone
With nothing but
My thoughts

Of you.
Obviously.


10. PICTURES

I look at the wall
The ceiling
Blank
Naked, but for some scratches
And I wish it was pictures of you
In plain sight
Wherever I look.


11. TRUE HAPPINESS

I know life is hitting you right now
Hitting you pretty hard
Being forced into therapy you don't want
Medicine that hurts your focus
And now it's ******* up your grades
Which in turn make your parents mad at you
And you seem to be despairing
And all I want to do
Is cheer you up
Make you smile
Forget your worries for just a little while.
I do what I can
But I don't think it's
Enough.
But I will keep trying
Every time I talk to you
Text you
Hug you
I hope I can bring you a little closer
To that honest smile.


12. YOU WORRY

You said it's been bothering you
You say I don't have to stay with you
Because I feel obligated
Because of your mental state.
Well
I'm glad you said it
Got it off your chest
But I would never stay because of pity
Because of guilt
No
I stay because of you.
The you-ness of you
You're just so startlingly amazing
Such a stark contrast to other interests I've had
And I love it.
And I love you.
I'm glad I could at least momentarily
Hopefully stop your worrying.


13. BRILLIANT AND BEAUTIFUL

When I think of you
I imagine gazing into your eyes
As I have done so many times
Those infinite, piercing
Beautiful eyes.
Brilliant, shining, beautiful
Just like you.
So wonderful
Calming
I dream of watching your eyes fall asleep
And waking to the very same pair
Happy and alive
Yet so real
Your beauty
And your realness.
Perfection.
I love you
I could say it a thousand timees
And mean it more every
Single
Time.


14. AGONIZING

It hurts me so much
To see you in pain
To know you're hurting.

You're trying to be more
Independant
You say
Well
Sure, be independant
But I want you to run to me
Cry on my shoulder
Because you aren't alone
And I don't want you to prepare for
A time when you could be alone.
Because I plan on staying within reach.


15. QUESTIONS

You lately have seemed
Scared
Afraid that I am staying with you for some
Pity
That I may feel.
Well, let me tell you
That is so wrong.
I feel bad for you
But that is different.
Because I could never date you through pity
I would feel like I was
Taking advantage of you
So don't worry.


16. SO MUCH I COULD NEVER SAY

I love you so
I can not describe it
The feeling
The exhilaration
From catching a glimpse of you in the hallway
I just feel the need to smile.


17. SMILE-INDUCING

Have I ever told you
That everytime you hug me from behind
I just feel uncontrollably joyful?
And when you refuse to let go
I find it cute
And I just want to stay like that


18. GOOD MORNING

A dream we both have
I want so very badly
To fall asleep holding you close
Singing to you the lullaby of my beating heart
Listening to your breath slow and relax
The perfect weight of your body against my own
And for you to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes
And the first thing I see when awakened
To make fun of your bedhead as the day's first light
Illuminates the room gently
To tell you how I love you
Before you can think anything else
Now only a dream
Someday it will happen.


19. TO RUN AWAY

I wannt to forever hold you
To hide away where nobody can find us
No schedules to disturb us
No cold to riddle our skin with
Goose-bumps
No agony tearing at our hearts
No painful reminders of the past
As the days blur into weeks
Into months
To hold you forever
In solitude.


20. WORRY

Why, love, are you so worried as of late
That you have changed?
I love every version of you
And I'm continually amazed at your ability
To cope
To prevail
But you are not strong enough alone my love.


21. LASTING

I have a feeling
That we will last
Overcome the odds
For a relationship that will endure
Past school
Past our new experiences
Past our differences
And bring us ever closer
More in love
As I feel myself falling for you more everyday


22. MARVELOUS

I never feel quite as amazing
As when I have you laying on my chest
Relaxed and falling asleep
With a blanket
A movie
Relaxation
No upcoming deadlines
Nothing else matters
Just the warmth of you relaxing on me
And my feeling of content.


23. DISCUSS

I love that we can discuss
Our different
Yet similar
Religions.
Yours as yet unnamed
Mine becoming again pure
And we can grow from this
And we become stronger.
And if we disagree about something
We can have a discussion about it
Though I keep my mouth shut
If I have the potential to start an argument
And we stay civil


24. LIST

One of your guesses as to
What I was doing when I hinted about this
A list.
Alright, you inspired me.
Words to describe you.
Beautiful
Intelligent
Different
Crazy
Startling
Lovely
Cute
­Modest
Mesmerizing
Relatable
Foreign
Sad
Lost
Stubborn
Sensitive
­And lastly for now
Theloveofmylife


25. TERRIFIED

Having you in my life is
Terrifying.
I worry so much
About your well being.
I wish I could be your knight in shining armor
But I just
Can't.
Society doesn't leave room for heroes.
It only attempts to create villains.
But you and I
We can resist it
Because society ***** anyway
And we're invincible.


26. DROWSY

When I fall asleep
The last thing on my mind is you.
And it's not just a thought that pops in then.
It starts when I am drowsy
And on the edge of sleep.
I imagine you snuggling close
Burying your face in my chest
Inhaling deeply and
Relaxing.


27. COMFORTABLE

I am glad that you can
Be relaxed enough around me
To fall asleep randomly.
And I love how, even in your sleep, you
Snuggle close
Twitch your hand three times
And whimper whenever I whisper into your ear
"I love you"


28. EXCITED

I love being with you
I love holding you close
Your breathe in my ears
The pounding of your heart
Speeding up when we kiss
Your happy sighs
Pulling me closer
Warming me in this new coming chill.


29.  HEAT

You are warm
You are hot
You keep the chill away
Heck, we could be in the snow without any significant
Warm clothing
And as long as I could hold you close
I could remain there forever.


30. PERFECT LOVE

You are my perfect love
The one for me
The two of us
Can do anything
Beat any odds stacked against us.
Overcome any hardship.
Just wait until we can escape to our life
We can win this race love
Destroy anyone who seeks to foil us
Or just ignore them
They aren't worth our notice
If they try to bring us down.


31. LIGHT

I look into your eyes today
And they are beautiful
As they always have been
I can lose myself in your eyes
The sight behind them
The intelligence
And so much more.
You're startlingly great
And I can't help but want to be around you.

I am busy
Without any rest
I am happy
Happier than I have been in a long time
I'm finding where I belong and where I am called
Every day I find more truth, more life
But you, old friend, seem lost
You don't seem to want to talk
And I've rarely seen you in the last six months
I don't know what's wrong
But people still constantly ask me
"Where is he?"

So much excitement
Adrenaline makes it feel
Good
I'm learning so much
So fast
Hopefully the pain goes away
So that I may continue
My training.
Running is fine.
Jumping is pretty OK.
But landing...
Ow.
Maybe I'll rest a bit.

I am still a child
A baby
A youngster
A Whippersnapper
But
I am older than many
When it comes to my
Thoughts
Emotions
Struggles
Faith.
Age is just a number.
15
It just goes to show.
Age is just the amount of time
That You
Have blessed
And have remaining to bless
Others.
Take advantage of a
Small number.

All death could ever ask for is life
All hell could ever ask for is heaven
All hate could ever long for is love
All the earth could ever want is the sky
And all I could ever want is you.

For some reason
Tonight I feel
More alone than ever.
I feel sad
But I'm not sure why.
I can't focus on anything
I feel like I messed something up
But I can't say anything to anyone
And my love is asleep.

I wrote this to myself when I left.  I never should have left anyway.  I just...  Didn't want this to be a part of me but...  I don't think I can escape.

You ****. I despise you. Your idiotic writing and stupid love poems. You don't even have a real ******* reason to quit! You switch to me, and still write... At least you can be honest now. People will finally see what an ******* you truly are.

I wait
And I wait
Again I wait
What else is there to life
Than waiting for the next thing?
How do we go on without something to wait for?
Hope is more important
And faith is waiting based on hope
Hopefully the wait is long
But we always want it short
Instant gratification
But we don't buy items
We buy anticipation
Our money is for the drive home
For fumbling around to plug the television in
And waiting for it to turn on.
And instantly, we are on to the next thing

I think that all I
Need to do is talk to mom
But I will be angry

My faith
My love
I am devoted
And I listen to fast
Angry to some
Music to soothe my nerves
And empower my soul

My life
Is not mine
I am returning to you
Your arms
Your love.
The worship says
That you are altogether lovely
And I agree.
Because you saved me
From myself.
I will bow to no other.
I am yours
And you are mine.
Your love
Is mine to spread.
I am the butter knife
The world is my bread.
I want to cover it with
The butter.
Your love.
Give me these visions
Give me this love
And help me
To love unconditionally.
I am almost crying
Humbled by your majesty
I can barely move
In your presence.
Everything pales in comparison
With you
And this blessed peace
This yearning to help others
However I can.
There is so much to do
And I am not sure if I can
Do it all.
I cannot do it
Alone
By any means.
I need your help.
And the help of those
Who You call
To love on this
Fallen
Broken
Colorless
Corrupt
Beautiful
World.
I ask this in your name.

Sometimes I wish I lived
In another time
Another dimension
With a different story
Maybe similar characters
But I don't think I would choose to be
Where I am
I wonder if I would change
Who I am.
Because that's the whole point.

In a few days
I will be very
Busy.

The one thing I cannot stand
Is to be busy.
To have places to be.
Places I don't really
Want
To be.
Because my childish
Teenage
Juvenile
Mind
Just wants to play
And have fun.
Though I enjoy school
I don't want it to start.
I still have awhile before
But I have things
Important things
That need doing.
And my free time
Well
My most cherished possession
It's going to be mostly gone.
But I asked for this.
So I'll weather it.
But dangit,
I just want to relax.

To escape this life
This stress
These schedules and time
My dream
My wish
Impossible yet
Yet
I want it so badly
Sunset
Warmth
To lay next to you
And to escape this infuriatingly repetitive
Stressful life

Do we truly know ourselves?
Is a reflection true?
Is the reflection of the reflection
(What others see)
True?
What can be more true than
The me that I know
Which does not exist?
I do not know myself
But neither do you.

If Cupid is real
I've been shot many
Many times.
The other arrows always
Missed
However
He probably ambushed you
While you were reading.

Kaydee Elizabeth Koshenina
I need you to know
That I love you
And I always will.

Running
And tripping
Caught along the way
Falling
Breaking
Laughing as you say

*Help me

Physical distance
Bothers me.
But I can
Work with it
And deal with it.
Mental distance
*****.
I have trouble
Dealing with it
And working
With it.
I'm glad we don't have
The mental kind.

Am I a pushover?
Maybe
But
If other people get their way
I experience something new.
And that's okay.

Is it a word?
It's fun to say
And I use it to describe things
People
Ha, this isn't deep
But I enjoy this stuff.

We're talking on the phone
And suddenly you say
Bat poo.
You're weird
But cute.

How do I know what
True beauty is?
Well,
I've had the pleasure of witnessing it
Every time
That I look into your eyes.

I lay in my bed
Alone, it is not my choice.
It never is.
But I am content.  
That day will come.
And tonight, I lay alone.
But I am not lonely
No, never.
My thoughts and dreams swirling in my head
Mixing together
Creating their fiendish offspring
Was that a noise?
No, it was a demon.
I catch my breath
Curse my imagination
I prefer not to think of demons
But the angel bestowed upon me
Who, in my mind, joins me this night.
In our dreams, maybe so
But your warmth I now lack
Your soft whimpers in sleep
How you unconsciously hold me tighter.
My love
I will have you someday
But tonight, the only you I have
Is a thought.
Fading as I settle into the void
My last thought before sleep
*Someday soon.

I told you why I didn't think you were sorry
And you said that you were sorry
That it won't happen again
And I believe you.
Just don't become a liar.

Sometimes you don't want to be
Big.
You don't want to be supporting
Others.
You want to be supported.
Held.
You want to curl up and be hugged.
Fall asleep in someone's arms.
But you'll often find
Being big can be nice.

Sometimes I wonder
If my mother realizes how much
I dislike being here.

With her lame excuses
Cold mornings
And her guilt trips.

And my constant thought
Can I confront her today?
No, she did something for me today...
Yesterday...
Last week...
There's a holiday coming up...
I just want to explode
But I can't
Because I would feel guilty.

Today is not a good day
Nor is it bad
It is merely
Blah.
Tomorrow is important
The day after is too
But today is Thursday
Like a Tuesday
It's not half the week
Not the beginning
Not the end
Nothing exciting going on today
No, not on a blah day.
I just want the week over at this point.
Tomorrow is energizing
But today?
Blah

A blank canvas
An idea
Kind of
Tainted and Bound
What shall I draw?
What should I write?
About this cursed house
All the memories
And pain
Experienced here
And the things I will never experience here
I'm at a loss for words
For lines
For ideas.
Help.

I am not
Blind
In the common sense.
I can see
With my eyes.
But there is so much
More
That I want to see.
I can see the sun.
I can feel its heat.
And it is
92,960,000 Miles
Away.
But I cannot see you.
I can see your body.
But I am blind
To You
I want to see your emotions
Your sadness
Your happiness
But I cannot.
And you are
5 feet away.
But I can try
With my other senses.
To hear your joy.
To feel your pain.
...
Help me
To remove the blinds
That cover my eyes.

Pathetic
And apathetic
I wander through life
Seeing nothing
On my hands and knees
And not caring.
Blindfolded by societal standards
Pushed down by the ambitions of others
And yet I have reason to believe that it doesn't matter.

I now am always wearing
Glasses or contacts
But the world is still
Blurry
I am always just waiting
For one thing to finish
So that I can start another thing that I
Don't want to do
And I don't end up seeing
**Anything

Today I feel useless
I lay in bed despairing
Time crawls when you're sick

How does my mind work?
In numbers and letters
Things sorted by logic
Or emotion?
Both have been true
Both false
Sometimes the same
It always made sense at the time
The thing is
Emotion is unstable
It falls apart and changes at the drop of a
Cat
I like cats
It's too bad that I have an allergy.
I never used to...
Perhaps this tendency towards emotion
Is a new allergy
But I'm unsure
Do I mind?

These people need so many explanations
For this complicated math
I don't need this help
It's a college level class
Why am I with the lower level
Higher grade
People?
This is all useless anyway
I don't
Won't
Need this in my life
I can do math
But I don't need to graph anything
In any walk of life that I may end up in

Every day
Make someone's day.
Maybe someone will make
Yours.

You broke
Falling apart
Sensitive
And then you said to me
"I'm fine"

What the ****.
You broke your promise
I want to be there for you
I will do what I can later
But don't lie to me.
Never lie to me.
I love you
And I want to help
Let me.
You've always been alone
But I'm here
You aren't alone
Not anymore
So let me in.

This music
It isn't emotional
It isn't intelligent
In fact, it's dumb
But it makes me want to move
To play
All day
All night
Run
Jump
Fight
Love
It excites me.
Does it excite you too?

As I walk through this life
I am burning.
Burning alive.
Flames ripping
Tearing at my flesh.
I have been terribly disfigured
Left a mangled shell
Of my former self.

As I walk through this life
I am reviving
Reviving my soul.
Bandages healing
Light restoring.
My disfigurations fade
But never leave.

As I fall into hell
Temptations ravaging me
As the hungry flames
Taint my skin
I know I am falling
And I feel it.
But can I change?

Lifted up
I feel restored
My wounds healing at once.
But I know that there are others
Falling
So I must go back.
I must return.

I am no longer falling
Though I constantly waver
I push through the flames
Standing strong when attacked
Brutalized by those I love.
But I must go back down
To bring them up.

Around you
I still feel nervous
At times.
I'm not
Uncomfortable
And
I trust you
I just feel
Nervous.
Or is that
Excitement?
Well
I thought I'd let
You know
That the novelty
Still hasn't worn off.

She was crying
She had before
I'm sure she will again.
She says she wasn't going to anymore.

Hypocrite!

What about what you told me?
You say "I'm ok"
When you're obviously not
You're lying to yourself
And me
You know that!

I was disgusted.
Lying to yourself.
To me.
Don't you know how much I care?!
How much I love you?!
Why would you lie to me then...?
I told you not to say it again.
I told you to promise.
And I will always be here for you.
Even if something somehow changes between us
If you stop loving me
If we fade in some way
I will always love you
My shoulder is for you to cry on
After all,
I don't use it.
I welcome tears
If they come.
But it's not easy for me.
Even if I try

But you have cried around me...
Is it three times now?
I hope I'm not causing it
Somehow
Because I would hate that.
You kept asking me
Before you cried
Why I was looking at you.

Well.
I didn't know what to do.
What to say.
It's tremendously difficult for me
To reach out
Say the things I did.
I don't do well with those things.
But for you
I will always
Always
Always
Try.

We talked on the phone
Not even for long
And it was mostly silence.
All I could think
All I can think
Is
I love you
Kaydee, I love you
I love you, I love you.
You're so amazing
I love you so much
I can't hold it in.
I don't want to hold it in!
**I LOVE YOU

I can handle my life
I can stay where I need to be
But when I get behind
It's practically impossible to catch up.

Why does music always have to
Be self expression or support some cause?
I just want to relax when I listen
Not consider my life
Or at least, not always

Do you have any idea
How many times, just sitting in class
You enter my mind?
Barge into my thought?
Take them over.
It's alright
Because you're that captivating.

Having you near me
Close to me
I feel a comforting pressure
As you lean on me
I feel overjoyed
It startles me how good it makes me feel
Just to be near you.

All day
Fog
Clouds
And I still found
Great things
I am beginning
Again
To trust in the lord
And to know what is right
And why