BEFORE

Before we even started dating
I was very interested in you
I thought
"She's really unique
And cool
And into books
And smart

And cute."
Every move you made
The ease with which you made friends
And of course
How your nose was always in a book.
That interested me a lot
And I still love that
Even when I know
So much more about you.
My observations from outside.


2.  AS I WRITE

I told you I was doing something
For our six months.
It's nothing spectacular
Nothing expensive
Just time
And my thoughts
My love
I hope to put it into these words which I
Preserve for you
Uniquely mine
For uniquely you
And you alone.



3. SUSPENSE

I just told you today
And you ask for my hint
It was in one of my other poems
You read it
But didn't catch it.
It would be obvious if you did see
What the hint is.
And no, these aren't all going to be
Like this
Just basically a diary
No
They will be better.


4. LIST

I like a lot about you love
I even listed some things off to you recently.
Would you like a list?

The cute faces you constantly make
The way you fall asleep in my arms
The way you make my heart skip when you lean on me
The way your mouth moves when we kiss
Your scent that hangs on my clothes after we hang out
The way you bury your face in my chest when falling asleep
The texture of you hair
The way your face lights up when you're truly happy
The way your cheeks are fun to play with
The perfect shape of your body
Your inability to be mad at me
Your anger at people being self-destructive
Your rambles on things that you feel passionate about
Your sheer uniqueness
Your amazing beauty
The way you feel embarassed when you blush
Your quiet whimpers when I whisper that I love you in your sleep
The way you always tell someone when you're annoyed
Your ability to easily make friends
Your addiction to reading
Your crazy music taste
Your refusal to tell me games you play
Your amazing poetry
Your unique way of dressing
Your uncanny ability to look beautiful and **** in anything

And yes, there's thousands more.
But that's enough for now.


5. NIGHT

You know
I think of you always
During class
During sports
During robotics
During my dreams.
You're so great
You just sneak into my mind
And take all control from me.
I'm stuck thinking about you for awhile.
Not that I really mind.


6. SUDDENLY FRAGILE

I've known you for awhile
And now you're fragile
You seemed strong
Never once wrong
And I'm glad I grew close to you
So that I can be here for you
When you need someone
And I always want to be that someone.


7. FIVE

Today
Of all days
I'm sick.
What I wouldn't give
To kiss you once
On the cheek
Or give you a hug
Quickly
Fleetingly
I want to tell you I love you in person
But I cannot
Not today
But I will.


8. FREAKY

Do you know
How crazy it makes me feel
To just think of you?

9. ALONE

I am alone
With nothing but
My thoughts

Of you.
Obviously.


10. PICTURES

I look at the wall
The ceiling
Blank
Naked, but for some scratches
And I wish it was pictures of you
In plain sight
Wherever I look.


11. TRUE HAPPINESS

I know life is hitting you right now
Hitting you pretty hard
Being forced into therapy you don't want
Medicine that hurts your focus
And now it's ******* up your grades
Which in turn make your parents mad at you
And you seem to be despairing
And all I want to do
Is cheer you up
Make you smile
Forget your worries for just a little while.
I do what I can
But I don't think it's
Enough.
But I will keep trying
Every time I talk to you
Text you
Hug you
I hope I can bring you a little closer
To that honest smile.


12. YOU WORRY

You said it's been bothering you
You say I don't have to stay with you
Because I feel obligated
Because of your mental state.
Well
I'm glad you said it
Got it off your chest
But I would never stay because of pity
Because of guilt
No
I stay because of you.
The you-ness of you
You're just so startlingly amazing
Such a stark contrast to other interests I've had
And I love it.
And I love you.
I'm glad I could at least momentarily
Hopefully stop your worrying.


13. BRILLIANT AND BEAUTIFUL

When I think of you
I imagine gazing into your eyes
As I have done so many times
Those infinite, piercing
Beautiful eyes.
Brilliant, shining, beautiful
Just like you.
So wonderful
Calming
I dream of watching your eyes fall asleep
And waking to the very same pair
Happy and alive
Yet so real
Your beauty
And your realness.
Perfection.
I love you
I could say it a thousand timees
And mean it more every
Single
Time.


14. AGONIZING

It hurts me so much
To see you in pain
To know you're hurting.

You're trying to be more
Independant
You say
Well
Sure, be independant
But I want you to run to me
Cry on my shoulder
Because you aren't alone
And I don't want you to prepare for
A time when you could be alone.
Because I plan on staying within reach.


15. QUESTIONS

You lately have seemed
Scared
Afraid that I am staying with you for some
Pity
That I may feel.
Well, let me tell you
That is so wrong.
I feel bad for you
But that is different.
Because I could never date you through pity
I would feel like I was
Taking advantage of you
So don't worry.


16. SO MUCH I COULD NEVER SAY

I love you so
I can not describe it
The feeling
The exhilaration
From catching a glimpse of you in the hallway
I just feel the need to smile.


17. SMILE-INDUCING

Have I ever told you
That everytime you hug me from behind
I just feel uncontrollably joyful?
And when you refuse to let go
I find it cute
And I just want to stay like that


18. GOOD MORNING

A dream we both have
I want so very badly
To fall asleep holding you close
Singing to you the lullaby of my beating heart
Listening to your breath slow and relax
The perfect weight of your body against my own
And for you to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes
And the first thing I see when awakened
To make fun of your bedhead as the day's first light
Illuminates the room gently
To tell you how I love you
Before you can think anything else
Now only a dream
Someday it will happen.


19. TO RUN AWAY

I wannt to forever hold you
To hide away where nobody can find us
No schedules to disturb us
No cold to riddle our skin with
Goose-bumps
No agony tearing at our hearts
No painful reminders of the past
As the days blur into weeks
Into months
To hold you forever
In solitude.


20. WORRY

Why, love, are you so worried as of late
That you have changed?
I love every version of you
And I'm continually amazed at your ability
To cope
To prevail
But you are not strong enough alone my love.


21. LASTING

I have a feeling
That we will last
Overcome the odds
For a relationship that will endure
Past school
Past our new experiences
Past our differences
And bring us ever closer
More in love
As I feel myself falling for you more everyday


22. MARVELOUS

I never feel quite as amazing
As when I have you laying on my chest
Relaxed and falling asleep
With a blanket
A movie
Relaxation
No upcoming deadlines
Nothing else matters
Just the warmth of you relaxing on me
And my feeling of content.


23. DISCUSS

I love that we can discuss
Our different
Yet similar
Religions.
Yours as yet unnamed
Mine becoming again pure
And we can grow from this
And we become stronger.
And if we disagree about something
We can have a discussion about it
Though I keep my mouth shut
If I have the potential to start an argument
And we stay civil


24. LIST

One of your guesses as to
What I was doing when I hinted about this
A list.
Alright, you inspired me.
Words to describe you.
Beautiful
Intelligent
Different
Crazy
Startling
Lovely
Cute
­Modest
Mesmerizing
Relatable
Foreign
Sad
Lost
Stubborn
Sensitive
­And lastly for now
Theloveofmylife


25. TERRIFIED

Having you in my life is
Terrifying.
I worry so much
About your well being.
I wish I could be your knight in shining armor
But I just
Can't.
Society doesn't leave room for heroes.
It only attempts to create villains.
But you and I
We can resist it
Because society ***** anyway
And we're invincible.


26. DROWSY

When I fall asleep
The last thing on my mind is you.
And it's not just a thought that pops in then.
It starts when I am drowsy
And on the edge of sleep.
I imagine you snuggling close
Burying your face in my chest
Inhaling deeply and
Relaxing.


27. COMFORTABLE

I am glad that you can
Be relaxed enough around me
To fall asleep randomly.
And I love how, even in your sleep, you
Snuggle close
Twitch your hand three times
And whimper whenever I whisper into your ear
"I love you"


28. EXCITED

I love being with you
I love holding you close
Your breathe in my ears
The pounding of your heart
Speeding up when we kiss
Your happy sighs
Pulling me closer
Warming me in this new coming chill.


29.  HEAT

You are warm
You are hot
You keep the chill away
Heck, we could be in the snow without any significant
Warm clothing
And as long as I could hold you close
I could remain there forever.


30. PERFECT LOVE

You are my perfect love
The one for me
The two of us
Can do anything
Beat any odds stacked against us.
Overcome any hardship.
Just wait until we can escape to our life
We can win this race love
Destroy anyone who seeks to foil us
Or just ignore them
They aren't worth our notice
If they try to bring us down.


31. LIGHT

I look into your eyes today
And they are beautiful
As they always have been
I can lose myself in your eyes
The sight behind them
The intelligence
And so much more.
You're startlingly great
And I can't help but want to be around you.

Oxymoron
Oxford *****
Oxford-y *****
Moronesque
Marked on *****
Boron *****
Down on the floor on
Do the dinosaur-on
*****
Water pour on
Out the door on
Oh baby
Give me more on
Adore on
Implore on
Slam a door on a
*****.

Prejudice
Is the scourge
Of mankind.
We can
Hate
A person
Before we talk to them.
That is in no way
Right.
It is in every way
Wrong.
I want a different
Type
Of prejudice.
I want to pre-judge
Everyone
As beautiful
Lovely
Redeemed
Forgiven
And
I want to love them
Before I even speak to them
Or hear them speak.
Before I know their name.
Or who they are.
My very own
Prejudice.

Why does music always have to
Be self expression or support some cause?
I just want to relax when I listen
Not consider my life
Or at least, not always

My eyes are wet.
It can't be tears
Because I don't cry.
I think some of my
Happiness
Love
Joy
Is seeping out.
I blame you
But I don't really mind.

Scented wax
Oh so soothing
My nephew gets his nose all over it
Because its good stuff
And he's a little one.
When you said you want one
I assume you meant like him?

Science
A paper
Distracting, but important
And about a topic I found stupid

And of course
Being corny
And without a way to release corniness
I wish I had time nowadays

Every day
Make someone's day.
Maybe someone will make
Yours.

I noticed a while ago.
I am subconsciously
Objectifying everyone.
And when I think about it
Objectified people
Are easier
To deal with.
I don't think this odd tendency of mine is
Natural.
In fact, I'm sure it isn't.
It's the result of a subdued conscience.
A conscience I always had.
I cared deeply for others.
I felt bad
Cried myself to sleep
For the smallest things.
An offhand insult I wasn't sure was even heard.
A chip taken from the lunch table.
An argument to be forgotten and ignored the next day.
I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I cried
Hated myself
Continuously hit myself
Cried more
And had nightmares.
As I got older
These feelings faded
But still I get these pains in the pit of my stomach.
And I remember how I was
Before I was numbed by
Objectification.
I saw people as people.
I cried because
I don't want people to feel bad.
Not because of me!
I can't think of anything worse
Than being that picture on a dartboard
That gives the incentive to
Never.
Miss.
To be hated.
Even disliked.
Thought of as trash
As I often am
I suspect.
Looks of disgust I draw
From people I care for
Who I don't want to hurt
Who constantly hurt me.
It tears me apart
And as I write this I feel tears welling up
Which they haven't done for
Years.
I began this objectification.
"That's just a dumb person."
"He's an idiot."
"Just one of those mean kids."
And I stopped caring if I hurt them
Because caring hurts.
A lot.

No one knows
What your nose knows
Nearly as well as
Your nose knows
That your nose knows your nose
Better than anyone knows your
Nose knows your nose.

Oh dear,
There seems to be some deer
Looking at me with a queer sneer
And wiggling their rear.

include

using namespace std;

int main()
{
cout << "As humans\n Are we run by\n Emotions?\n Or are we\n Programmed?" << endl;
cin.ignore();
return 0;
}

I am relieved
No, I didn't
Relieve myself
(Meaning pooping, etc.)
I am relieved
Because something I worried was wrong
Somehow
Is actually embraced.
A weight has been lifted.

My **** today was
Huge
And meaningful.

We're talking on the phone
And suddenly you say
Bat poo.
You're weird
But cute.

I'm getting so
Lazy
But heck
I deserve some laziness
Not a lot
But my wall flips are looking pretty nice
So there.

Lately
My life is seeming to become
Surreal
It doesn't feel
Real
And I don't understand why.
People
Are becoming backgrounds
Places
Are even less
And I don't seem to notice things
The intricacies of life.
Because it all seems
Fake.
Like a spectacular video game
That I am just playing through
Looking forward to the next one
Too busy looking ahead to see
What is right here beside me.

Even after we part
Your scent lingers on me
And I love it.

It lulls me to sleep.

This music
The drums
The beat
So much faster than anything
And my heart races to catch up
Left in the wake

I am afraid
Of so many things
The dark
Death
Pain
Suffering
Pain of others
You are too.
I can tell.
Why?
Because we all have fears.
They may not be the same.
They probably aren't.
You have some I don't.
I have some you don't.
But don't worry.
It's all going to be okay.
In the end
You still have me.
And I'm always
Always
Always
Here
For You
If you will
Let me
That is.

Anytime I read
Poetry
It puts me in a
Sad
Mourning
Angry
Apathetic
Mood.
One of the reasons I dislike it.

Have you ever just been in a
Bad mood?
No real reason why?
I was today
But I still had fun
It was like a
Break
From happiness
To feel *******
At the world
No person in particular
But I stood away from the others
I hope I didn't mess with them
Because it was my mood
Not theirs.
And I don't wanna share.

People say christian metalcore bands are
An oxymoron.
I disagree.
It's all good news
So why not scream it?

I now am always wearing
Glasses or contacts
But the world is still
Blurry
I am always just waiting
For one thing to finish
So that I can start another thing that I
Don't want to do
And I don't end up seeing
**Anything

You say you forgive me
And I believe you
But
The problem is
I cannot forgive myself.
So I can't stop apologizing.
Sorry.

These people need so many explanations
For this complicated math
I don't need this help
It's a college level class
Why am I with the lower level
Higher grade
People?
This is all useless anyway
I don't
Won't
Need this in my life
I can do math
But I don't need to graph anything
In any walk of life that I may end up in

I should stop
Procrastinating
Cause it'll be a pain
Later.
But there's so many other things
That I'd rather do
Though I'm procrastinating on something that I
Enjoy.
Shoot.
I **** at this.

What does a nightlight do?
What is it?
Not the children's kind
No
The person
A light in the night
The warm lamp in the dark room
The one who hugs you when all seems lost
The one who, when lost, cannot seem to find themselves
So the darkness needs to unite
We need to unite
To rekindle the nightlight's bright

So much excitement
Adrenaline makes it feel
Good
I'm learning so much
So fast
Hopefully the pain goes away
So that I may continue
My training.
Running is fine.
Jumping is pretty OK.
But landing...
Ow.
Maybe I'll rest a bit.

I wonder
Do you have any idea
The lengths I would go to
Just to see you smile?
What I would give up
Just to have you
Cuddle up against me for an hour?
It's been so many months
But I still feel excited every time
That I see your amazing
Face.

All day
Fog
Clouds
And I still found
Great things
I am beginning
Again
To trust in the lord
And to know what is right
And why

I think that all I
Need to do is talk to mom
But I will be angry

Have you ever tried swearing at someone
Using the meanings of the swear words?
I'm gonna *** **** up female dog.
Well ***.
*** you donkey hole.
****** donkey *******.
Happy donkey mother sexer.

It doesn't work as well.

I run from love
I run to love.
I run from hate
Yet I accept it all the same.
Love is always good
And hate is always bad.
Wouldn't you agree?
Love is complete joy and acceptance
Willing to sacrifice yourself
And that's not even necessarily your life.
Jumping in front of a bullet isn't easy
But it's easier than changing your schedule
At times.
Hate is always bad
So why is it acceptable to hate
The people who've hated the most?
We can't learn from mistakes
Or just move on without acknowledging them?
Well, I'm a firm believer
That cookie dough is always good.
Except when it makes you sick.
Tastes like salmonella.
But cookie dough is still always good.
Except when it makes you fat.
But
Cookie dough is still always good.
Except when you don't get any cookies.
Cookie dough tastes better anyway.

Why do you
Tell me to shut up
When I tell you
That you're cute?
Because I mean...
It makes you get
Even cuter.

I can handle my life
I can stay where I need to be
But when I get behind
It's practically impossible to catch up.

I wear glasses
But they're a pain.
They get in the way.
And I look better without them.
Plus, they distance me
From the world
Because the world I normally see
Is blurry
Fuzzy
Like a painting
Of some sort.
It makes me wonder.
Which world is real?
The one that lets me see everything clearly at a distance?
Or the world
That forces me to get close to something to understand it?
And I wonder
Which do I prefer?

Why
Would they become separate?
Almost 17 years
Was supposedly enough
They persevered
And fought
For their love
And gave up
They say there is stuff I do not know
They must be right
Because I do not understand
And I am left here wondering.

Is this an
Escape?
The things I do
The words I say
The music I enjoy
The people I love
I'm unsure why
This word is going
Through my head
Escape
Escape
Escape
I only have one thing
That I want to escape.
We all want to escape it.
Take my hand.
We can escape together.

What if we're all
Pretending
To be something
Nobody
Wants to be?
We're all pretending it's
Okay to be like this
Because we think we're the only ones
Pretending
And that everyone is okay
With this pretense.
But what if nobody is okay with it?
And we're stuck
Pretending.

We all have a purpose
In life.
I do not believe
That this is predetermined.
We decide
Through what we enjoy.
When we find it
We thrive in it.
Not everyone finds this
Or do they?
I've found mine.
It's helping others
And loving unconditionally.
What is
Yours?

Sometimes
I take a break
From thinking
From talking
From worrying
From life
From thoughts.

Previously
I've only written for a website
Now I'm writing
for myself.
It's different,
Uncensored.
It's reminders for me.
About things I struggle with
Daily.
Where I know
I should be.
So that I cannot
Convince myself
Of a tempting lie.

The shadows move slowly
Sneakily
So you don't notice them.
The shadows move quietly
Leaking into your subconscious
And eating you from the inside.
They leak into your thoughts
Poisoning your mind with dreams of pain
Hate
They slowly move to cover your face
They slowly move to cover your mind
They silently strike
And poison your soul.
A shadow creeps into your mind even now
Seeding the painful thoughts and actions
Which will drive you to hurt yourself and others.
Ruining a day for no reason at all
Forcing a night into sleepless torment
Always next to you
Always surrounding you
Hiding from the light
Owning the night.
Fight these shadows
Drive them away with joy
Love
Light
Happiness
Compliments
Laughs
Lazy days in the sun
Kisses
Fight these shadows
And rid the world as best you can.

A thought
It could be anything
Cars
Video games
Books
A fun word
It's fun to see where thoughts
Go
If allowed to wander
They usually
Go
To sleep
Go
To perverted matters
They are not
Easily
Controllable
But they can be.
Or at least
I'd guess.
I plan to make
No
Effort to control
This stream of
Emotions
Ideas
Life
Because that ruins the
Fun.

Fanciful
Romanciful
That button on your pants iful
Do a little dance iful
Jump around and prance iful
Typical
Whimsical
Tickle tickle tickle
Swimmin'
Brimmin'
Out on a limb in
I'm not cringin
Door fallin off hinge in
Eliminate the g
Bumble bee
I'm just rhyming now
What a perv right
Warm summer's night
Let's do it right
it right
Smite
The fire breathing
Knight
Night fright
Demons at the window
Beat 'em up with jindo
I'm done...

Society today
As a whole
Is becoming numb.
We play games
Where we shoot others for fun
**** them
...
Why is it fun?
I can't say
That I haven't tried.
It may be skill
Exploration
Achievement
But that can all be found
Outside.
The sky is still blue.
The trees green.
The grass itchy.
The people laughing.
The party-goers grilling.
Some guns even.
But if you come outside
Don't treat it like a game.
Because it's not.

A five kilometer race
Get a good pace for that
Fun run
Don't get the runs
The runs are not fun
Hon
High school puns
Running in front
Of a train
Isn't worth chewing gum
Dumb
Come on, come
That's ***** stuff
But it sure is fun
Jump the gun
I'm not ready
You're the one.
So run
Away with me
We can climb some tree
Hide up there
Breathe fresh air
Wind in your hair
Take this dare
I dare you
I dare you
Let's climb higher
Go on, faster
Don't bring your books...
No ***** looks!
You've got me hooked
We aren't stopping
No time to read
Knit a thneed
Play with a reed
Pipe
Too much hype
I don't Skype
It's laggy
Baggy
Sweats are sweet
Ripped by cleats
Tasty meat
Cook it
Boil it
Don't let it spoil it
Hit it with a rod
Cod
Isn't a game, it's a fish
I wish
You and I
Forever, we could fly
Away from these things
Dust in our eyes
Remove your disguise
Your mask
Take it off
Anything else is okay too
You
And I
Let's run.
It'll be fun!

How does my mind work?
In numbers and letters
Things sorted by logic
Or emotion?
Both have been true
Both false
Sometimes the same
It always made sense at the time
The thing is
Emotion is unstable
It falls apart and changes at the drop of a
Cat
I like cats
It's too bad that I have an allergy.
I never used to...
Perhaps this tendency towards emotion
Is a new allergy
But I'm unsure
Do I mind?

If you watch anime
You know what "Plot" is.
If you don't
Maybe you will figure it out after this.
There is some small plots.
Some huge plots.
Some unnecessary plots.
Some very necessary plots.
There's little baby plots
And old granny plots.
The old ones are less fun
And the baby ones need some time to develop.
Some plots make you awkward
And under no circumstance
Watch a show with lots of plot
Around family.
Or friends.
Or strangers.
Maybe alone,
But don't tell anyone.
Okay?
Have you figured it out yet?

Though I like stories
I never
Ever
Watch a show for the plot.

I am busy
Without any rest
I am happy
Happier than I have been in a long time
I'm finding where I belong and where I am called
Every day I find more truth, more life
But you, old friend, seem lost
You don't seem to want to talk
And I've rarely seen you in the last six months
I don't know what's wrong
But people still constantly ask me
"Where is he?"