You try to be mysterious.
You keep secrets; afraid of what I'll say.
You think I'll care about unnecessary things,
but darling, it's been 3 years already.
When will you see that all I care about is you,
not your secrets?

-A.A.

The wind does not knock
though it be a lonely soul.
It turns, goes back home

Ive spent time alone
Ive spent time with others
Ive found that I prefer the former
Though a little of the latter reminds me of it

Me?
I reached for a star
and came back with the moon.

December came and went
without notice of your departure.

but when January rolled around and fruit cake and sparkling lights no longer littered my home, it felt empty and i remembered how full and intense your presence was and how i longed for what we almost,
but never fully, had.

Sleepmonger,
deathmonger,
with capsules in my palms each night,
eight at a time from sweet pharmaceutical bottles
I make arrangements for a pint-sized journey.
I'm the queen of this condition.
I'm an expert on making the trip
and now they say I'm an addict.
Now they ask why.
WHY!

Don't they know that I promised to die!
I'm keeping in practice.
I'm merely staying in shape.
The pills are a mother, but better,
every color and as good as sour *****.
I'm on a diet from death.

Yes, I admit
it has gotten to be a bit of a habit-
blows eight at a time, socked in the eye,
hauled away by the pink, the orange,
the green and the white goodnights.
I'm becoming something of a chemical
mixture.
that's it!

My supply
of tablets
has got to last for years and years.
I like them more than I like me.
It's a kind of marriage.
It's a kind of war where I plant bombs inside
of myself.

Yes
I try
to **** myself in small amounts,
an innocuous occupatin.
Actually I'm hung up on it.
But remember I don't make too much noise.
And frankly no one has to lug me out
and I don't stand there in my winding sheet.
I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie
eating my eight loaves in a row
and in a certain order as in
the laying on of hands
or the black sacrament.

It's a ceremony
but like any other sport
it's full of rules.
It's like a musical tennis match where
my mouth keeps catching the ball.
Then I lie on; my altar
elevated by the eight chemical kisses.

What a lay me down this is
with two pink, two orange,
two green, two white goodnights.
Fee-fi-fo-fum-
Now I'm borrowed.
Now I'm numb.

I want to sip from the same cigarette
I want you to unzip my dress
We're suicidal but we're set
Lets get room and just forget.

there’s no way to describe the feeling that enveloped me once you left
but if i were to have to do so
i would say that it felt like cold tendrils wrapping around my neck
******* my every last breath

if i were to have to put it into words
i would say that it felt like dull tweezers plucking at my heart
tearing it apart
not all at once
but piece by piece

if i were to have to explain myself
i would say it was like drowning in the arctic
the cold water
a brutal reminder of the cruel reality
where you left me
to sit alone
and surrender to the insanity
that has slowly consumed me

Sometimes, I look at you and I can't speak.
Once in a while, it's because I'm marveling
At what a work of art you are.
Now and again, it's because
I want to hold your hand.
Occasionally, it's because I want
To feel your arm around me.
And once or twice, it's because
I want to kiss you.
Mostly though, it's because
I start to feel like I'm dying.

There's something that stabs into me,
Twisting my heart
And muddling my mind.
That's usually due to a couple of things.
One: I miss you more than I can explain.
Or two: you forgot about me.
Sometimes it's both.

I know you never really forget about me,
But it feels that way.
We're sitting five feet apart
And you don't look my way once.
I challenge myself not to look at you for a minute,
Then two or three, four or five.
Because every time I glance your way,
You're laughing at something someone else said.
Another person made you smile.
You're so wrapped up in other people
That I slip your mind.

And that's totally normal.
It's to be expected.
I know it's weird,
And it's probably wrong,
But I think about you all the time.
I wonder what you're doing
And how you feel.
I hope that you're doing okay,
And that you're thinking about me.

Sometimes when I get upset
I want to see you so badly.
Want to talk to you,
Hear you say my name.
Hear you say that it'll be okay.
That always helps.
To feel your hand on my shoulder
Or even better,
To find myself wrapped in a hug.
You have the power to make things better.

You matter to me a lot,
And I know you so well.
There's always a joke to be made,
Or a smile to be shared between us.
Those times are the best.
But then, sometimes
I look at you and I can't speak.