My name is LITTLE LADY and I am ten years old visiting family. Your eyes hungrily take in my young body and your truck slows down and my heart pounds in my chest. You yell horrible things at me and tears sting my eyes and I run all the way home. I dare not stop to see if you’re following, that would give you an unfair advantage.
My name is SWEET THING and I am twelve years old and we are all here to honor him. Do you have no respect for where we are? Evidently not as you grip my shoulder with an alarming force and I hide in the bathroom while the service carries on. My mother will be furious later that I missed my best friend’s funeral but I’m sure JP would understand mum, I’m sure he would understand how frightened I was.
My name is CHEEKY and I am thirteen years old at the beach with my family. You untie my bikini top and throw it out to the lake. I am mortified and they are laughing and you are laughing and I don’t know how to cope. I cover myself with the last bit of dignity I can muster as my father repeats the four words that have been their excuse for ages, “Boys will be boys”
My name is ***** JUST LOOK AT ME and I am fifteen years old, words to you that means “old enough”. I am livid but you have the advantage with your size and I cannot defend myself. I hold my keys tight in my fist and bare my teeth like a wolf. I am afraid but the anger rises higher than fear.
My name is ******* and I am seventeen years old. I am strong and unafraid, but with every call I am suddenly ten years old again and running away from the man in the truck. I am strong; so strong, and I must defend myself because no one else will. I must defend myself because no man will ever have the satisfaction of saying they were the one that broke me. I must defend myself because I should never be afraid to walk alone.

Dear 10 year old me.

You have the prettiest pigtails, and glowing brown eyes.
You're so sweet, and you care about everyone, they all bully you because you're different.
They think you're "too happy"

Eventually you'll start to fwel lonely.
And you'll sink into depression, you'll feel worthless, and you're just 10 and a half.
You'll start hating your own reflection.
At 11 you'll go on a diet, and at 12 you'll stop eating anything at all.
And with the starvation comes self mutilation.
You'll make scars, that'll stay for the rest of your life, but you'll learn to look at them as a part of you, and everyone else will too.

Your childhood friend, Emma, whom you never really talked to before, will become a very big part of your life.
She'll help you through your ****.
You'll relate to each other, cause she's in the exact same ****.
She'll find it a bit harder to get out though.
But just keep helping her please, and stay in contact with her for gods sake, please stay in contact with her..

People will stop talking to you, unless they need something, or want to call you ugly.
Don't help them, they'll all leave when they find someone better.
You're 13 years old and so ******* naive.
Two girls will help you through when your classmates lock the door and say that "they don't have room for a *****"
But you'll leave them, just like everyone else left you once.
Don't do that. Those giels are the kind of people you want to hold onto, the kind of people who pick you up when you're down.
You'll be diagnosed with social anxiety and schizoid personality disorder.
Hell.. Even bipolar disorder and anorexia..
You'll wanna die at points
But it'll be ok, i promise you.

You're 14 years old, and you've never had a boyfriend, but it doesn't matter, cause the one you get will be bad for you.
He'll tell you that you're ugly, and he'll try to touch you places you don't wanna be touched, even though you push him away.

Your weight is dangerously low. 40 kg, it'll get a bit lower, but please get better soon, cause your body will still not be stable when you're 15 and a half.
You'll say to yourself that you'll stop cutting, but you can't keep that, you'll be clean for 10 months, but you'll break it, but a good thing is, that you'll stop again.

Leave Kathrine alone, she'll try to ruin your life.
And even though you get in a new class, they'll still all think that you're a *****, a **** up, a ******.
People will still bully you, and stare at you in disgust.
People will still ask you for favors, and then just leave you.

That Ike guy.. Don't trust him, he'll leave you just like wveryone else, he'll ask for favors just like everyone else did, but he won't fight for you when he needs to.
And don't make that instagram, your parents will find out.
And you'll miss the friends you had on there.
You'll miss your 2K followers.

Jp.. I warn you, don't even talk to him.. He's a violent **** up..
He might seem nice for the first couple of weeks, but it'll change.. Drastically, he'll hit you, kick you, call you stuff.

On the other hand, you make a really good friend when you quit choir, and start japanese lessons instead.
He'll treat you like a princess. His princess.
He'll be one of the people you should keep around, and i really hope you do.
Cause now you're a lot smarter than you were back then.
He can even convince you that you actually do look alright.
He can make you want to recover by just saying three words "i love you"
Date him, and trust him.
It won't do you wrong.

And i promise, that everything might look dark right now, you're just a lonely 10 year old girl afterall, things will get worse.
A lot worse.
But they'll get better, and you'll feel loved.
I promise you.

Yesterday morning I remembered the comfort of hunger pains.
I ate as little as possible at lunch,
and didn't eat when I got home.

For the first time in almost a year,
I skipped dinner
and looked at photos of bodies I wanted to have.

For so long I was able to eat without worry,
and I never thought about skipping meals,
I was able to change the idea of a "weight goal"
To simply having a goal to be happy.

What is happening to me?

If your mother doesn’t tear us apart
I will

And I’ll do so without realizing it
Until I’ve pushed you far away and out of my reach

I hate hurting you
And I despise that my dislike toward myself is what hurts you most

I want this to be easier
I crave for the two of us to stand in the sun

The warm waves caressing my skin
And your hand in mine

Yet I continue to lurk in the shadows
The darkness is my security blanket

I see you standing with your hand stretched out
Begging me to just grab ahold and leave the secrets behind

But you know that I am afraid
My self-destruction is there when no one else is

You ask me to promise self-preservation
But how can I do so when I’ve failed again and again?

Feet inch closer to me and I shove
With all my might

I won’t let the darkness take you too

she taps her chubby pink eraser against her equally chubby pink lips.
they're chapped and ****** but she's too distracted to care.
her feet fall out from beneath her.
the sun attacks her as she hits the wet cement.
she drops her ****** eraser, falling among worms and blades of grass.
she's oblivious to the wetness that engulfs her.
she's slowly
wholly
swallowed by cement.
the birds still chirp.
the sun still shines.
but the worlds a little different without that eraser of mine.

His hands are large and strong
I knew this all along
Strong enough to hold me down

Smiles are contagious
His are crooked and malicious
Watching me squirm, crying

My daddy is not safe
I know now because he was taken away
But I thought this form of love was ordinary

I didn't mean to get him in trouble
But I was afraid when his hand was my muzzle
Now everyone looks at me like I'm made of glass

My mom says I can't talk to him
But I just don't get it
He said he wouldn't hurt me

My daddy wears orange
Mom answers his phone call with a look of warning
His clothes are in boxes down in the basement

There's a stack of papers on the counter
That mom's been staring at for the past hour
I think I need to help her with her homework

We make the bed with stains across the mattress
I don't think I can keep up with this practice
I pretend I don't see the guilt in mom's eyes

My mom and I sleep next to each other at night
Because we're both afraid he'll appear in the morning light
Looming over us with his hungry eyes

if words are life
then are all their
permutations
all 77
different words for fear
just shadows
smoke
of memories
which have crawled
out of me
and found a life in the mirror
with its gilded frame
tarnished
with the trail of destruction
bodies
piling up and up and up
towards the sky.

having these shadow creatures
living in the mirror
coming out to play
tic tac toe
eeny meeny miney mo
better let that razor go.

at least i’m never alone
smoke always caresses
my face when
i find myself
living in the mirror too.

a sweet touch
cool yet searing
calculated and wild
silk of broken mirrors.

Ignore the size of the portion
This is healthy
Ignorance is bliss

Cut and slice
Count the pieces the knife and fork create
Slip into old routine

Eat one cookie... eat five
Who cares?
You're this shape already

Turn the shower on twice a day
Watch it all wash down the drain
Hate the way you adore the acidic burn

Count the numbers
You're not wiz at college algebra
But you can count the calories, pounds, and body mass

Watch the flab vanish into sweat
Run for two hours a day
Do crunches until your innards explode

Faint in the shower
Forget what time of day it is
Sleep is now nonexistent due to hunger

Ward off the war within your belly
Empty is clean
Pain is beauty

Your teeth are rotting
From the lies about your meal plan
And your citric stomach

Compare yourself to all of them
Observe the way they enjoy it
They love the freedom of cuisine

Your mouth is watering
It's a good thing food cannot travel
Through a television screen

Cry at family gatherings and holidays
Your mother's eyes glaring across the table
While you wish you could vacate the skin you're in

Uncertainty is your best friend at this point
Indecisiveness and hatred are nothing out of the ordinary
Your mere thoughts are a whirlwind

And there's nothing romantic about it