the same red spots obstruct my vision,
the music fades from my ears.

the image of your burning brown eyes
stay locked in my mind.

it feels like i am slowly sinking,
sinking into a shallow tub of cloudy water.

my eyes feel like they are about to pop,
i unwrap the cord from my neck.

take a breath of sour air,
and start again.

Don't show your scars, or they might multiply.
They spread and spread, and give more pain.
They make friends angry, and make friends sad.
You lose more acquaintances, and gain more enemies.

struck me like sweet incense
of some storm of stardust
and by my doing, of old copper coins
the blood collected in his throat
the steely scent on his breath as it warped his voice
sent cold shrapnel through my tendons
I slipped and sank into the noise

I might miss having my heel stepped on
achilles exposed for far too long
sans the snake to snap at it
sans the sickle to scythe its hit
sans orpheus to ink an ode
sing it until his breathing slows

sing until his breathing slows

Sometimes, in the shower
I think of all the hands I have let touch me
And have to scrub myself so hard my skin blisters,
Use my nails like a blunt knife, try to tear into a new skin
One they have never seen
I'm reminded of all the ways I have said no with my body,
All the times it was ignored,
And turn the water so hot I feel hell singing in my blood.
I hear all the ways I said no with my tongue,
All the times it was ignored,
Bite down on lips that never spoke loud enough
I’d sever this useless muscle from my mouth
If only I hadn’t already hidden the razors.
But sometimes, in the shower
I think of the times I have touched myself
Ran fingers over a soft-skinned body
That could not do more to save me
And I remind myself that this precipice of hatred,
The dancing cliff-edge of blaming myself
Should not lead to scars and blood in the drain
I think of all the ways the water has held me
Has embraced me for hours and asked me to give nothing in return
In these moments I know a body is just flesh
This sinew and marrow carcass of me
Is blameless for the reaching hands
Of the ****** and rotten bodies of them
It’s just a frightened body
And I forgive it
I forgive it

Drown me.
Push me under.
Hold me down.
Keep me still until my final breath.
Let the water fill my lungs, burning as I scream.
I want to go, and you'll let me.
You're the reason I want to go in the first place.

He said I was pretty when I got upset
He said it was cute when I cried
He thought I looked beautiful with mascara running down my eyes
He liked the black that stained my cheekbones, probably because it was all that I had left
When I finally sat up and tried to catch my breath
And the words that I screamed into the mattress swam across the bed
And the colors that ignited me were shriveled up and dead

He held my rainbow that seeped
From my skin to the sheets
And the shades of my dreams
Poured right through the seams
He caught the colors in the same palms that held me
The same hands that bruised my wrists
Into the fingers that seized my hair and the hands that grabbed my hips;

"You can't possibly drive home with the makeup stinging in your eyes
Darling, stay the night, you're just so pretty when you cry"

I watched my shades run down my arms, they stained the corners of my dress
But I would rather be his "pretty" than be someone else's mess

I've spent the past thirty minutes dismantling the jagged pieces
Biting their edge and screaming confessions at the bathroom door
I'd pick up all my colors but they've soaked into the floor
This is my last letter to him, I refuse to write anymore

I'll see if I still feel grey tomorrow morning

Have you ever wondered what it's like to **** someone?
I have.

I imagined it being an exhilarating experience.
One I will never forget.

Of course, you have to make sure you do it properly.
You don't want to get caught, do you?

I remember her watery, crystal eyes.
Her violet wrists and ankles.

The way her hair stood up when I touched her.
The way she winced whenever my cool blade touched her.

Was she panicking?
Probably.

I remember her gasps for air.
Her hoarse, croaky voice.

One stab.
A velvet sea laid out in front of me.

Two stabs.
Red, glittery hands.

Three stabs.
It's getter harder to see.

Four stabs.
I fall down.

I smear the blood on the wall.
As if it were a cry for help.

I wanted to do this so badly.
Why am I now regretting it?

Guilt swarms my body.
My head aches.

Have you ever wanted to **** somebody?
Because I have.

Today's the day I ****** a blade into my stomach.
A crimson waterfall.

My final words are yours to read.
On this ****** sheet of paper.

Today's the day I shivered with a blade to my wrist.
Hesitation, but the urge to die.

My final words are yours to read.
On this creme coloured wall in red writing.

Today's the day I
died.