I'm not a monster
But my teeth are sharp
And I've got a tendency to come out after dark
I found the old me wrapped up in a tarp
Half of me in my dads backyard and the other half in my mom's shopping cart
I asked for nastolgia and all I got was growing pains
It's been another year and my rage remains the same
Growing older and growing with me
She doesn't want to separate
Finding a home inside my veins

And I still remember the way it felt to jump into your arms
Wrapped in security I could never be harmed
The security you provided was never protection
I've met several versions of the same person
I always thought he loved me but he never had
And Over and over again I wonder who he is
Till I look into your eyes and
I want to seek comfort
I want to find peace
But when I look at your eyes I see every man I've come to meet.

You were suppose to protect me
I was your little girl
It was our world and you always kept me safe,
But I didn't know that keeping me safe meant from you, or all the other yous out there that exist.
The way you loved my mother
Taught me everything a man would do.
It was not a pretty love story either if you needed a clue.

I went to the infermery, the feelings you stick me with make me so sick only for the doctor to tell me
I've been diagnosed with homesickness from a home that was never real
But a place i Long and miss.
I've tried to read between the lines of who I was and who you wanted me to be
But I couldnt ever tell
I couldn't see what you wanted from me.
Now when I look into the mirror
And I'm reminded of who you are
I take a deep breath just to find we have the same scars

I wonder, am I going to be
Ignorant and violent and distant one day too
Or will I find all the good parts of you in me and show you who you could have been
If you didn't fall into the madness your grandfather perpetuated and your mother continued.
I don't want to be like you
At least the you, you are the one you became
But I am in every way

Maybe one day on your death bed you will finally tell me you are proud
But I know your pride eats at you and seeks for the parts of me that are apart of you
So I will burn down everything you've created me to be with gasoline
And I will rebuild each part of me  with new parts of who I want to be.
Parts of me that will still feel the darkness
Parts of me who feel rage
Part of that little girl who still wants her father to be engaged enough to see her for who she is.

No matter who I become, I cannot hide that you will always be Ingrained into me.
One day you will find, you could have been who I have became all along.
And if I could go back in a time machine to change it for us
I would
To love you as a child
Just as they should
Just like you deserved
Just like I deserved.

The further
I moved away
from my traumata
the closer I see
them running towards me

It’s like a parasitic
relationship
I let them happen
I let them stay
thinking that
if I bought them
a jersey
with
“norm” stitched on it
I would fall for
their play

Godawful heartbreak is only what she knows
Fairytale’s smoke teeters on the edge of a nightmare
For which she is the main character

The sun releases her puppeteering demons
As they adapt to the light,
And the feeling busts at the seams

The knowing moon is her therapeutic hymn
But is the mercury that chains her mind to his prison shackles
Long after the mad hatter’s curse has faded
And his hand, poisoned by the vile actions done.

The cup is half empty
Her heart is half full
But her trust is just a void in both.

A room in the basement,
A room that knew too much,
Too dark to leave behind.
I was tired,
Heavy with sorrow.
She never asked why—
Never asked me to speak.
The clutter in my mind didn’t matter to her.
I was dragged onto the bed,
A hand pressing into my back,
My body slammed against the wall,
Her rage leaving marks on my skin—
A scar that won’t heal.

"I don’t want to do this, but here we are."
A whisper, lost in the chaos.
Words echo through the house,
Where love is twisted,
Where kindness never crosses the doorstep.

"I’m not sure I can... ma yelled at me again."
For the smallest things,
For being human.
Her voice drowns out my heart,
Slicing through the silence.
She tells me I'm a failure,
A burden,
A disappointment.
She says she’ll pull me from school,
Keep me locked away.
Send me far from everything I dream.

She hit me,
And still, she says,
"You'll never leave. You’re going to fail."
But where do I go when pain is all I know?
When bruises map my body,
And rage paves my path?
I cry,
Not for the sting of her hand,
But for the death of my dreams.
Her words press down,
Venom laced with promises of no future.
"You’re just going to be a ghetto rat,"
She spits at my dreams of college,
And I feel it sting,
Because maybe she's right.
Maybe she’s serious about keeping me here.

I falter,
Assignments abandoned—
Not from carelessness,
But confusion,
And the walls close in.
When she touches me,
It’s not a caress,
But a painful grip,
Pinching, scratching.
Her voice hisses like a snake:
"Stop acting so self-conscious. You look ******* stupid."
Her hands on my body,
"Why does my touch make you uncomfortable? I’m not hurting you, stop it."
Uninvited,
Unwanted.
But I stay silent,
Too afraid,
Too small beneath her control.

Why does my body feel like it belongs to her?
Why does she think it’s okay to touch me
Like I’m nothing but a possession to bend to her will?
"What’s wrong, my perfect, spoiled little *****?"
Her voice smooth as poison,
"This is what you wanted."
A trap she set long ago.

I try to hold my head high,
But the ceiling feels lower every day.
Her anger shakes me,
Her wrath pushing me into the wall.
She screams at every mistake,
Even when I’m just trying to breathe.

"Z is going to be a tattooed dolled-up ****."
Her words sear,
Carving into my skin.
No matter how hard I try,
I will never be enough.
"I think you’d all be better off without me,"
Her voice trembles,
Heavy with her own misery.
But her despair is hers alone.
I’m just trying to survive the day.

"She’s not going to get a job, she’s lazy like I am."
Her words break me,
Glass shards piercing deep.
She doesn’t see me, doesn’t hear me—
Only sees her failures reflected in me.
A mirror of everything she fears.
And I am not the reflection I want to be.

No matter how loud she screams,
Her hurt doesn’t change the truth.
I am more than the sum of her expectations.
"I’m just the nasty ***** that nags and yells at everyone, aren’t I?"
Her words echo,
But they are not mine.

The house is never quiet,
Not when the walls scream with her rage.
"We’ve been in a bump since my dad moved in."
A home built on silence,
Where no one speaks the truth,
Fearing the storm it might wake.
"I feel like we’re doing all this just to get X into high school and college."
But what of me?
What of my hopes that fade in the corners of my mind?
What of the quiet nights
When I hear her rage but never her love?

"Maybe we should’ve never adopted Y and Z."
I drown in her words,
In the pit of their failures.
Because I’m not just a kid—
I’m a punching bag.
And her fists land on my body,
But the damage runs deeper than skin.

"I don’t care if I ruin it all, I’m leaving."
Her rage blinds her to the harm she causes.
Her fists, her words—
They shatter me.
I am left alone in the wreckage,
Wondering how to rebuild myself,
How to make her see me.

In my dreams, I flee,
But the house always calls me back,
With its cold floors and walls that whisper lies.
"We’re messy people,"
She says.
But it’s not the mess in the house—
It’s the mess in our hearts.

A house built on silence,
A body that wasn’t mine,
And a truth still hidden between the walls,
I’m still trying to speak.

I had coffee with myself from 10 years ago. We both ordered the same thing: a grandé white mocha.

As I sit down, I see the sadness in his eyes; the same sadness I remember all too well. I want to tell him that it gets better, but I can't bring myself to lie.

We both sit in silence, but the emptiness of noise between us tells each of us all we need to know. Finally, he asks me a question. "Are we married yet?"

I tell him no, we're still single, not even dating. When he asks me why, I tell him the truth: because I don't believe in love anymore; because I don't believe it can happen to me, so I stopped giving it out so freely.

He's shocked and disappointed. Love is all he knows. It's why he does everything he does, it's what makes him who he is. If we don't have love, then what else is there? What's the point?

So, I tell him that all the love I had left died when dad did. But he can't bring himself to admit how sad that makes him feel. He's too mad at dad right now for being unfair, for not being there when he needed him. He doesn't understand the sacrifices being made, the demons being fought.

After a bit of silence, he asks how Dad died, but first he assumes that he went peacefully, surrounded by family and friends, that we all got the time and closure we needed. He asks me if we ever made up with Dad and got along.

With a tear in my eye, I tell him no. There was no grand gathering, and no one got any closure. It was sudden and it devastated us, so I'm the provider now. He asks how I provide for two households. I laugh lightly and say that I don't. We never got to make our own life.

He asks about work. I tell him that we've been through some adventures in the jobs we've had and the friends we've made. There's a good amount of money, but it still sadly isn't enough for everything. So, he asks why I don't look for something better. I change the subject.

Next, he asks about our health. He sees the changes, the wear and tear on my face. Our health was something we were once proud of and took seriously. Before I can answer, he sees the monsters in my eyes. The ones I face every day. He's petrified. I tell him it's okay, we're making it. I don't tell him about the disease, the scary hospital visits, the testing and procedures that we go through. I don't tell him about 2018, or the darkness and trauma that comes with it.

I see a light in my younger self's eyes that isn't there anymore in mine. He's so hurt and longing for more, but he doesn't realize what he has; he doesn't understand true loss yet. He'd be happy if he'd quit being so stubbornly sad.

I smile a sad smile at him and tell him the good news: we make an impact, a real difference, in people's lives. Not many, but enough. That's what makes everything worth it. There's a lot of loss and pain, but also a lot of laughter. We become so strong and courageous that the monsters eventually don't scare us anymore. God becomes a bigger presence in our lives.

As my coffee cup empties, I bid him goodbye, and tell him to tell a better story when he's the one sitting in my place at the table. As I walk away, I feel a part of him taken with me, and I feel a part of me left with him.

Neither of us will be the same. But we'll be okay, because we have to be.

I was carrying a castle Lego set,
Walking into the room with hands full,
But the room was messy,
The floor a trap.
I tripped,
A misstep,
And the castle crashed,
A thousand tiny pieces scattered—
Shattered like the calm before the storm.

Her eyes burned with fury.
And then—
The first blow hit.
A slap to my face.
Her hand, heavy and fast,
Like a thunderclap that split the air.

She grabbed me by my hair,
Fingers tight like claws,
Yanking me down,
Screaming.
Punches to my head,
Fists that felt like bricks.
And when I didn’t fall fast enough,
She slammed my face into the wall.
The concrete cold and unforgiving.

She didn’t stop.
She kicked me.
Stomped on me.
Before she shed the weight,
She weighed two hundred pounds or more—
And her anger had no limits.

She climbed on top of me,
Crushing me beneath her,
Screaming in my ear—
Words that were sharper than the blows.
A blur of rage and hatred,
And I couldn’t breathe.

My father,
He came when he heard the noise,
Dragged her off me,
Locked her away,
But the damage was done,
And my body bore the marks.
Bruises, scratches, teeth imprints,
Pain that carved its memory deep.
But the hate didn’t stop there.

I remember everything.

When I lied about something—
Something I can’t even recall now.
And she made me clean—
The whole house.
From top to bottom.
Exhausted,
I collapsed into the bathroom,
My body aching.

When she found me,
Resting,
She turned the world to fire.
The beating began again—
She screamed,
Threw appliances at me,
Shoved me against the walls.
My head was shoved into the toilet,
Into the sink—
Water and metal,
Cold and suffocating.

She bit my ears,
Screamed so loud,
Everything went muffled.
Her words were poison,
Sharp and biting.
The towels hit me,
Wetted and cruel,
Like whips lashing my skin.

She sprayed cleaning products—
In my face,
On my body,
Tears mixing with chemicals.
And I had no escape.

I remember everything.

I remember what it felt like to be nothing but the target of her rage,
Her disappointment wrapping itself around me like chains.
I remember her words—
Filling the empty spaces in the house,
Breaking me down,
Every scream,
Every hit,
Until all I could do was survive.

But the hardest part—
Was that even after it all,
I still wanted her love.
And I couldn’t escape her shadow,
Even when the bruises healed.

Got a secret? Can you keep it?
Bury it deep in your grave.
Or I’ll knit a doll with ****** stitches,
Stern vows and broken wishes—
Bury it deep, or rot in the ditches.

Turning from my trustful gaze,
My thoughts twist through a thorny maze.
Calculating your faith,
As I sharpen my scathe.

Voices rise, a cursed din,
My ears trace every whispering sin.

Giggles fade, joy is peeled,
Just then, I know—
Your fate is sealed.

I wonder,
Why do we commit our darkest deeds, then tell?
The burn in our brains becomes a living hell.
I know you’ll tell.
I KNOW YOU’LL TELL.

Heart racing, humanity fading,
As I approach you, internally cascading.
Silent night, stone-cold face.

SUDDENLY—

Burgundy flows, sins atoned for.
My shirt stained,
With the weight of what I now bore.
No regret to shred,
Only two can keep a secret when one of them is dead.