can you feel it creeping in
claws scratch softened lines

this skin

was broken from the start
white lies repaint this part

I'm not a girl
You can't make me be her
I'm not
I swear
Just listen for once
But according to "god"
I do not exist
Not in this form
This shape
These eyes or these lips
My hands are "feminine"
My chest has *******
My feet are small
And these are what makes me a her
According to them

My hips too wide
Missing the right genitalia
"There are only two genders
Lawn mower and dishwasher"
I'm sick of your jokes
"And I'm an Apache helicopter
That's my gender, it's true
I'm a helicopter, and you're a man too"
I see the way you look at me
Obviously expecting a reaction
I go to my room
And lock myself in

The heat is becoming unbearable.
[average repair cost $488]
I'm manually cranking the window
[1998 Chevy S-10]
While Dad drives me to the store.

I'm craving Nutella
[Great Value Hazelnut Spread]
And pomegranates seeds.
[only one container without mold]
I hope Mom doesn't mind the price.

Turning 22 this year;
[also a model from 1998]
I hope to start on Testosterone
[again]
And maybe learn to drive

***** of chest
against
fabric of shirt,
small hands, small feet,
baby face, weak muscles,
dainty wrists
and
sitting ****,
flat crotch, thick thighs,
mind is male, but body lies,
short height, false cheer,

i'll never be man enough,
my dear
this body hurts me.
Get me out of here.

We are trapped in closets that are more like coffins
Every breath a game of Russian roulette, wondering which will be our last.
Each step outside a bullet in the chamber,
Every person another pull of the trigger,
And one day they will line up,
For one, final, shot.
By the time they turn 20, 1 in 3 Trans people will have attempted suicide,
And those are only the ones who make it that far.
Out of 41% who try, 10% will succeed.  
We want to go home but we don't have them anymore and maybe we never did.
More trans youths are accepted by oncoming traffic than by their parents,
The only hugs those from the rope around our necks.  
Replacing love with pills and pain.
"If you want to **** yourself that bad, then just do it."
The average life span in America is 78.8 years young.
The average life span when you're trans is around 20 to 32,
Which means that I have lived more of my life than I have left,
And my friends are only just starting to live theirs.
Birthdays are just a count down to when the last blow will be struck.
1 in 12 of us will be murdered.
We are not safe
Bathrooms are ****** battlefields,
Not man enough, not woman enough,
Not enough.
Who can decide that the twisted flesh and gaping wounds that belong to our bodies hurt them more than it does us.
Half of us are dead before the last breath leaves our body,
Ghosts to our family and everyone else,
Only existing to be the punchline,
To a joke that we don't find funny.  
My screams sound more like apologies,
And I'm choking on them.
They tell that my body is my home,
But home has never been safe for me,
Our lives are like nightmares that we can't wake up from,
And I'm just so tired at this point that I can barely find it in myself to care.
I think they've forgotten that we are human,
That if you cut me I bleed,
It's red, and it hurts.
Call me joke, call me lie, call me anything but my name!
Push me back in with all the other skeletons.
This closet is a coffin,
And I am 6 feet under.

This face I see in the mirror
It doesn’t belong to me
This long hair
These pale blue eyes
Whos are they
They are not mine
They do not belong to me

The people at school do not understand why I hide my body
I hide with baggy clothing and short hair
But everyone can see through this mask I wear
I smile and say I’m fine but they can see every word I say is a lie

So I tell them why I do these thing
“ But why you're such a pretty young girl”
I say not girl and they say woman
I say Boy
They say Girl
I say Kole
They say Maggie

What did I do to deserve this
Whats wrong with my name whats wrong with who I am
I don’t judge people for who they like or who they are of who they want to be
You don’t judge people for dying their hair or changing their nose
But as soon as I say I want to be called a name it’s histarea

Whats wrong with one name
They say “ what next? Do u want to go to the boys locker room and hang out with them.”
Yeah so I feel more comfortable
But no I must fit society
I must be what i'm perceived as
I must be this robot that follows every command

Were fed this false information that anyone who is different is wrong or bad
We must hide from different
We must cage it
As soon as we are perceived as different we become a mouse in a cage full of lions
We get attacked

There are those few how will jump into the lion cage to save the small mouse
But then you get stolen away from your savoir and put in a cage for inspection
They scrutinize every part of you

Im a rainbow in sky full of clouds and I’m all alone
I know there are others but until you come out you are who they made you to be
Then when you do finally say how you feel you get rejected and hated and told you are not valid

I am here to tell every person who has ever felt this way
You are valid and loved and strong
Don’t listen to them

And to those of you who disregard their pronouns or hate them for loving who they love
You are wrong you do not understand everything they could be going through
Take it from someone who knows transphobia and bulling first hand you bullies never win
The small mouse in the cage of lions out smarts all of you and escapes through the bars while you stand stunned and stuck in that cage with no goal now I’m gone

I understand that you are shocked
I know you are confused
But say something
Please
Say something

When you say nothing
Just get out and shut the door
A million possibilities go through my mind

Will he tell everyone?
Will he ever see me the same?
Does he hate me?

I had expectations for your reaction
Yelling
Crying
Blaming me for something I have tried to change
But your reaction is silence

And trust me, I have tried to change it
Tried to starve it out
Cut it out
Deny every feeling

Until i felt nothing

Nothing
Just like your reaction

I cannot answer questions you do not ask
I cannot reassure your concerns if you do not voice them
I can do nothing if you give me nothing

My sense of self was put at your feet
But you walked away
True, you didn't stomp on it
But you did not pick it up
You left me on the ground
Now i'm here.
Waiting.

Just please

Say someting

do you remember, sweetheart,
    the night I broke in
and painted the wall outside rose-colored?
through the tiny window,
    you stared at my handiwork
with shining eyes.
though there was a wall between us
    I felt you shudder into becoming,
handcuffs trembling on your wrists.
trembling, trembling,
    then dropping with a clang
as you exploded into stardust.
in the shimmering emptiness of your cell
my seashell ears
echoed anxious music
but I breathed you into
    weightless lungs
and felt the longing of mother sky