The unkindness was done to us, but now we are the unkindness.
We are people turned victim turned survivor turned raven,
Grouped together to fight the evil we were violated with.

We are creatures of pain, and we are creatures of protection.
We are creatures of mourning, and we are creatures of empathy.
We are creatures of misery, and we are creatures of wisdom.

And we will croak, caw, warble, and scream
Just so we know we are not alone.

[April is ****** Assault Awareness Month.]

“****** Assault Awareness Month” is *******.

For 30 days you’ll wear a teal ribbon and hold “We Believe Survivors” signs.

But
Should I thank you for 30 days of ally-ship?
No.
Did you believe me on March 31st?
No.
Will you believe me on May 1st?
No.

30 days.
You’ll scream
ALLY ALLY ALLY
Believe survivors
ALLY ALLY ALLY
Support Survivors
ALLY ALLY ALLY
Hold rapists accountable.
ALLY
Bull. ****.

Go ahead and pretend ****** assault only happens in April.
Throw out your teal ribbons on May 1st
because it’s not ****** Assault Awareness Month anymore.
You don’t have to care anymore.

But I do.
What my rapists did is something I live with
335 more days
than you’ll care about an issue.

You don’t realize the ribbons you pin your bags and shirts are
smaller
than the
bruises he left on my thighs
But
you don’t care what one survivors thinks of you
so long as the world knows that
for 30 days, you wore a teal ribbon

Your message of ally-ship
30 days a year
doesn’t erase
your hypocrisy the other
335 days.

When you pushed me onto the bed, your hands roaming, reaching a goal, breath twisted with alcohol, shivered in pain, stood up, tried to breathe, tried to leave, kissed my innocence and left me feeling at blame. Scared in the school hallways, rumours ran towards me and away from you, police questioned me and watched you walk to class while I walked into an interview. “Did you say no?” Did I? No. You can’t talk when you can’t breathe.

Fight or flight
That was my plight
Distracted driver
Temporarily took my power
Praying for sleep
Counting the sheep
It’s like treading water in the deep
Can I keep pushing through?
Not sure quite what to do

Visions of chrome grills
Drenched with chills
Flashback night
Nightmare day
Will this ever go away?

EMDR
Got back to driving the car
Taking buspar
Have I come that far?

One foot in front of the other
A daily mantra loaned by my brother
It’s important to only focus on today
It’s all we have, wise people say

Life is an ongoing journey
So very grateful for His mercy
I continue to battle and refuse to cower
After all, I’ve learned I’m no fragile flower

I sat down in the cold hard seat,
My heart slamming into a concrete wall,
Splattering everywhere,
While 3 pairs of pupils,
Penetrate my soul.
You could tell the commotion,
Was broiling underneath the surface.
Silence was my best friend,
We sat there together for what seemed like a lifetime,
Until the timer was up to start the saga,
Of my never ending rendition,
Of the same **** story.
My head was spinning,
Unaware if I shall pass out or ***** first.
“You have a choice.”
My nails dug into the rough leather,
Resisting the urge to scream.
Thoughts scrambled my brain.
Yes I do have a choice,
It’s either I throw myself off a cliff,
Or I let you push me.

When I walk in the door, it hits me like a brick. A thick smog formed from the hate you spit.
The words you say torment me, how can some be that way. Every letter burns my skin like some type of toxic spray.

You have our hearts arrayed nicely. You're sick of our eyes shining so brightly. You're sick of us not bending to your will.
Like your empty heart is something we can fill. Like me yelling back was the only overkill.
You made my Mama want to jump off the windowsill. My memories of you are going completely downhill.  But it's not my fault that you made your own kids mentally ill.

So I sit and watch an abusive man preach, like he's got something valuable to teach. I was too scared to first hear myself screech.
But I did it, I knocked him down. My words make him not make a sound.
But it only lasts for a minute. Because It's never too late for him to finish.
It's never too late for him to throw another brick.
So he goes and takes another hit.

I never thought he'd say that. I never thought he'd do that.
He sat there waiting with the bat, just ready to hit it back.
We just want peace and quiet. Well, just peace would do.
Because I'm sick of getting hit with bricks, and I bet Mama is too.

To walk away from the person you love
because the relationship is unhealthy
takes so much courage
So to the women
and the men
who have chosen
to save themselves
I am so
proud
of you.

When will this life of mine that is insanity
Be forgotten once more, in the sanity of sleep
The dark endless pit that is my chest
Let’s even the brightest of lights die
Even incandescent light that shows the influence of hope
Can be swallowed by the obscurity and ambiguity of my own being
Where then can I find comfort?
Never do I rest soundly
Revelling in my own misery until the piercing
The revelation of dawn approaching
Sickens you into a nauseated thirst for sleep
Fighting between the thirst for self-condemnation
And the thirst for the cold embrace of sleep
Like Odysseus in his 10-year plight
May I reach restful sleep tonight
As I lie here in turmoil, one minute, If but a night.

I kept punishing myself for not being whole after four years
But I didn’t realize that if I never spoke about it
I was never going to get any where in my recovery
So I finally began the process to victory
It is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through
I am grateful for each tear I am shedding
Because I know they get me one step closer to being new
For every panic attack and punishment I have done to myself
I apologize for not beginning my path to recovery sooner
I am a work in progress and I am getting better