When you pushed me onto the bed, your hands roaming, reaching a goal, breath twisted with alcohol, shivered in pain, stood up, tried to breathe, tried to leave, kissed my innocence and left me feeling at blame. Scared in the school hallways, rumours ran towards me and away from you, police questioned me and watched you walk to class while I walked into an interview. “Did you say no?” Did I? No. You can’t talk when you can’t breathe.

Fight or flight
That was my plight
Distracted driver
Temporarily took my power
Praying for sleep
Counting the sheep
It’s like treading water in the deep
Can I keep pushing through?
Not sure quite what to do

Visions of chrome grills
Drenched with chills
Flashback night
Nightmare day
Will this ever go away?

EMDR
Got back to driving the car
Taking buspar
Have I come that far?

One foot in front of the other
A daily mantra loaned by my brother
It’s important to only focus on today
It’s all we have, wise people say

Life is an ongoing journey
So very grateful for His mercy
I continue to battle and refuse to cower
After all, I’ve learned I’m no fragile flower

I sat down in the cold hard seat,
My heart slamming into a concrete wall,
Splattering everywhere,
While 3 pairs of pupils,
Penetrate my soul.
You could tell the commotion,
Was broiling underneath the surface.
Silence was my best friend,
We sat there together for what seemed like a lifetime,
Until the timer was up to start the saga,
Of my never ending rendition,
Of the same **** story.
My head was spinning,
Unaware if I shall pass out or ***** first.
“You have a choice.”
My nails dug into the rough leather,
Resisting the urge to scream.
Thoughts scrambled my brain.
Yes I do have a choice,
It’s either I throw myself off a cliff,
Or I let you push me.

When I walk in the door, it hits me like a brick. A thick smog formed from the hate you spit.
The words you say torment me, how can some be that way. Every letter burns my skin like some type of toxic spray.

You have our hearts arrayed nicely. You're sick of our eyes shining so brightly. You're sick of us not bending to your will.
Like your empty heart is something we can fill. Like me yelling back was the only overkill.
You made my Mama want to jump off the windowsill. My memories of you are going completely downhill.  But it's not my fault that you made your own kids mentally ill.

So I sit and watch an abusive man preach, like he's got something valuable to teach. I was too scared to first hear myself screech.
But I did it, I knocked him down. My words make him not make a sound.
But it only lasts for a minute. Because It's never too late for him to finish.
It's never too late for him to throw another brick.
So he goes and takes another hit.

I never thought he'd say that. I never thought he'd do that.
He sat there waiting with the bat, just ready to hit it back.
We just want peace and quiet. Well, just peace would do.
Because I'm sick of getting hit with bricks, and I bet Mama is too.

To walk away from the person you love
because the relationship is unhealthy
takes so much courage
So to the women
and the men
who have chosen
to save themselves
I am so
proud
of you.

I kept punishing myself for not being whole after four years
But I didn’t realize that if I never spoke about it
I was never going to get any where in my recovery
So I finally began the process to victory
It is one of the hardest things I have ever put myself through
I am grateful for each tear I am shedding
Because I know they get me one step closer to being new
For every panic attack and punishment I have done to myself
I apologize for not beginning my path to recovery sooner
I am a work in progress and I am getting better

Your skin is not made of steel.
Your ribs are not thorn cages.
Your heart is not made of glass.
Let your skin feel.
Let your heart break.
You are not designed to crumble.
You were made to survive.