Resting your head on the side of the bathtub,
Half-hoping you won't fall asleep and slip under the water.

Walking into the street without looking both ways,
Half-hoping you won't be hit by a car or some other vehicle.

Running down the stairs, taking them two at a time,
Half-hoping you won't trip and fall all the way, all the way down.

Turning off the oven after cooking your dinner,
Half-hoping the gas hasn't leaked and isn't filling your entire house.

Leaving a candle lit for a moment as you leave the room,
Half-hoping it won't fall over and set your bookshelf ablaze.

Doing any number of seemingly monotonous chores,
And half-hoping your mind won't hope for the dreadful way it could



end.

Fill your lungs with air, they say
These black fireworks are getting closer
Crawl around, it's fun, they say
The slower I move, the deader the knot gets
You're dizzy, shadowed, they say
Apple after apple, only glowing poison

You'll see, you'll see
You'll want to someday
But all I want is out.

I am so very extremely depressed
I want to sleep but I'm way too stressed
I try to talk with friends and with fam
But they seem to think that I don't give a ****
They call me lazy, heartless and dull
I've stopped eating food; they just think that I'm full
My arms are restless, I kick in the night
Can't someone tell me what I'm supposed to fight?
I wait for the next day, and the next, and the next
Waiting for when I finally breathe my last
And then it occurs to me; why hadn't I seen it?
I have the power to **** and destroy it
Tell me one reason that suicide is bad
Besides the fact that it'd drive others mad
I should be concerned with the rest, but I can't
Just let me be selfish and let me rant
I want to die and I want to die now
The only question left to consider is: how?

A brain chemically imbalanced.

How could taking two little white pills every morning
slowly but surely resolve eight years of major depression
ameliorate symptoms that strangle the mind and spirit,
destroying self-worth, competency, basic functionality.

Despite a set-back of a month of unstable, barely restrained
suicidal thoughts, whole-heartedly consuming every minute
of conscious thought and shattering already severely fragmented
sleep, the only repose from the onslaught of endless thoughts
each one affirming deservance and supplying means to an end.

The vile depression, mind-warping, heart-marring, shape-shifting,
perspective-rearranging, adapting to every new environment,
clawing its nightmare-grip further into my chest day after day,
haunting me even in its remission: the depression was sinister.

Body and brain scarred and healing, starved synapses react,
a regiment of medicine, taxing-thought, and long-scarce love,
but indisputably vital: taking two little white pills every morning
slowly but surely resolves eight years of major depression.

A brain chemically balanced.

Poison.
Poison is all that's on my mind.
I could go out in edgy flair
By the point of a dagger
Or, I could disappear by poison.
Free myself from this cage with cyanide
A sleepy, seamless death.
No marks
No pain
Just true freedom.
No more drugs pumping through my body to stall while death is lurking
Maybe then
I could finally be released of the pain I hold in my chest
The pain of a thousand wishes and hopes orphaned
Crushed
I'll never be worthwhile.
I know that.
May this last vision
To some so vile
Be carried out for once in my life.

I sit in the shower, wishing for my brain to work the way it should.
I sit in the shower and let the water beat against my face, hoping that will drown out my thoughts and insecurities.
I sit in the shower and cry because I know no one will hear me.
I sit in the shower and question my importance here.
I sit in the shower and gag myself while I sob quietly.
I sit in the shower and take apart razor blades and let them dance across my wrists so that I will stop numbly staring at the shower wall.
I sit in the shower and wonder, if I should really be here tomorrow.
So, how do I tell my friends I sit in the shower?

I know I've made you angry,
I can hear it in your tone,
I went to talk to you,
But you left me all alone,
I know I did bad, but trust me I'm trying
I don't like it when your mad,
Because it makes me sad,

I know hurting myself doesn't help,
But it's a way I cope,
I went to call you, but you called me a dope
I´m sorry it hurts you,
I´m sorry I messed up

I know you called me a f*ck up,
When you use those words it hurts,
Makes me wanna do it more,
Yes I´m behind the door,
I understand you hate me,
That is why I´m bleeding,

I know I will never be able to make you proud,
But that's no longer a worry,
No longer a problem,
Because its all over now......

sometimes i walk across the bridge
watching the water flow
the ships sailing below
they wave to say hello
but little do they know

i wonder what it’s like
to jump and feel yourself fall
before it catches up to you
before you really end it all
i wonder what it’s like
for the pain to go away
i’ll be happy finally
i’ll see you again some day

i like to stand up on the roof
to look over and see
the life in front of me
the busy and busting streets
that again i will not meet

i wonder what it’s like
to jump and feel yourself fall
before it catches up to you
before you really end it all
i wonder what it’s like
for the pain to go away
i’ll be happy finally
i’ll see you again some day

i wonder
i wonder
i wonder what it’s like to not be here
i wonder
i wonder
i wonder what it’s like to not struggle
someone tell me what it’s like
this is a cry for
help

it’s harder than it seems
to hold in all your tears
the pain that’s added up
throughout all these years
i tried laying down
but i got in my head
the tears are rolling down
i just want to be dead
these thoughts keep popping up
that i’m not good enough
that i am all alone
i am not even known
i leave scratches on my arms
and imprints on my legs
with all these thoughts and actions
i’m bound to wind up dead
i imagine the fall
from a roof top way up high
before i hit the ground
it’s as if i can fly
i imagine active traffic
and wind up on the street
the breeze of passing cars
before i succumb to defeat
maybe dying hurts
or maybe it’s relief
its the high that happens right before
even though it must be brief
i want to feel that high
not knowing what will happen
it’s okay if i die
for i was only passing