Sometimes when I'm driving
and I'm alone
I say out loud
"I wish I was dead"
without thinking about it

...
….You make me want to return into the shell I already broke out of.
I hope you
Your
You’re happy
Because it is now a cave. From which I will spend eternity.
Congrats. Congrats on showing me the world for exactly what it is.
A place. A dwelling.
A dwelling for those who talk against the slow, the weak.
THE RECOVERING. THOSE WHO WISH TO GROW.
Those who have nothing but good intentions. Intentions not for themselves but. For Others.
Congrats.
My soul is as rachet. As hated. As Hatred.
BECAUSE OF all things that came: Your gossip. Your rumors. Your hidden enigma….*ehem agenda
…
Got to me. Broke me in front of reality.
Naked and bounded by nothing but deceit. Discord.
I call on Shiva...but now..
...Jesus.
Please. Show me the broken way. The broken way back to glory.
If nails strike me down. I’m willing.
I’m willing go further. Not to death. But to suffer. But not suffice or succumb.
Because I'm giving in again. I’m giving in...again.
“And I’m just holding on for tonight, On for tonight, On for tonight”
“Help me, I’m holding on for dear....”
LIFE

And I decided
LONG AGO
That I wont.
***** THEM

!!!
…. “I’m gonna swing, from the chandelier, the chandelier”
“I wanna fly”
“Like a bird in the night”
Watch my tears as they fall
Make rain a ghost of
A proof
Of the broken
Broken glass, broken mirrors
Broken bones out of
Words
syntax.....
...

The stitching creases on a blank canvas
A mindblowing beautiful pale coloring
Never showing justice to the beauty
As the canvas has already been covered
In permanent marking
That once made all stitching come undone
The depth the paintbrush had made
Was a cry for help
The markings of the painter showed anger
Not at anyone
But at himself
With no other solution
Your beautiful canvas has been destroyed
Yet rebuilt
With a story to tell with every marking.

And what of this hour, dark and beautiful
In her insistence.
She visits in the nights of sleepless lull,
Object of insolence!
She questions this very earth, ***** and dull
And devoid of sense.
Her words are as sweet as pain ever gets:
“End it all, die and cry the tears life forgets”

During this day of certain events
I have found that even though
  most of the time
  I want to walk away in the night
There sometimes is a
  little part of me that
Still finds some unexplainable
love for the day
  even if I don't enjoy the sun.

Maybe someone will notice me.
In the way I want.
Someday someone will notice me,
More than naught.
Maybe I won't feel lonely,
Inside my shell,
Someday I won't feel lonely,
Inside my hell.
Maybe I will die,
By my own hand,
Someday I will die,
Don't you understand?
Maybe it will get better,
Than it is today,
Someday it will get better
Or so they say.
Maybe I won't get bad,
Like I was before,
Someday I won't get,
A face in the door.
Maybe someday starts today.
Where I will feel well
Someday...maybe
I'll escape Hell.

If only you knew
About how much pain I went through
Just to make you smile
Every once and a while

If only you knew
How much I wanted to leave
This desolate land but didn't
Because of you

If only you knew
About the noose manufactured
Out of every fiber in my heart
That gracefully swung

If only you knew
How much I loved you
Because you can't love yourself
Until you've loved somebody else

If only you knew
How much I miss you
Since you've gone off
With some other guy

If only you knew
That the heart-fiber noose
Wasn't meant to be alone
It needed someone too

If only you knew
How gracefully it swung
wrapped around
my neck

If only you knew**
That you were the only
One that could
Save *me