What do I see,
in the clear mirrored,
a shattered image,
not a reflection of who I am,
a mask,
weaved from the lies of a scared child,
a poor shield from judgement,
the mouth twisted into an infinite smile

Tears streaming down,
her hands tracing them down to my neck,
fear,
my mistress,
it seems you ended my torment,
after an eternity,
however the chains of my past still bind me,
to you,
she traces my jawline,
a knife,
that I now wield,
The mask shatters.

What do we see,
a lone child,
scared and misguided,
blade in hand,
defiles God's temple,
out of hate for himself,
loved by some,
who are blinded by love,
respected by others,
who can't see past the mask,
hurt all who believed his truths,
an evil thing love is,
worthless to all who believe his lies.

The boy longs to cry,
tears flow no longer,
the boy longs to bleed,
until blood flows no longer,
he should die,
we should all perish,
for the sins of a dreamer,
can never be atoned for,
for even now,
I love you.

The noise of the river,
tells tales of love,
he says it's fake,
like all things of the heart,
but there is truth in his lies,
and lies reveal the truth,
he hurt those he loves,
love is a beautiful thing,
but is death's disciple,
he thanks her for the feelings,
and the memories,
but hates her,
for they are only memories.

The noise of the river,
tells stories of lust,
he says it is a welcome enemy,
for it tempts him,
lust is of love but love is whole without it,
the stories are accounts of dreams,
for lust does not love him,
not anymore,
he is chasing after her,
looking to atone for his war crimes,
in the battle of love,
his hidden wounds **** him slowly,
he dreams a happy nightmare.

The noise of the river,
preaches about salvation,
his says his old friend awaits him,
loves master,
he wishes to see me too,
he gives an account,
of our beautiful evil that awaits,
I stand up,
my distorted reflection,
portrays me clearly,
but not at all,
I smile,
                           pure
a low life does not deserve this,
**** it all
as I shake his hand
and plunge into the river.

The feel of the river,
reveals true sorrow,
I envy the river,
for he has a plan,
had a purpose,
I failed,
so they all left,
they are upstream,
smiling,
I wish to take their smiles away,
as I let the river take me,
I lost my way,
the river is all I know,
he will help me achieve my dream,
of unleashing beautiful carnage.

The noise of the river,
and myself,
we are one,
                                        we always were,
I understand you now,
my friend,
you taught me about hate,
this world is just to spite you,
I hate it too,
you hate me now,
because we share a conscience,
not for long,
now I am the welcome enemy,
the river still flows,
with all its trash.

They all hate me,
                                     fear of the unknown,
She'll hate me,
                                      wait,
She hates me,
                                     Love,
She'll leave me,
                             ,         ask
She doesn't need me,
                                        You need her,
They don't need me,
                                       make them need you,
I should go,
                       Stay

FOR THEIR SAKE

I thought they loved me,
                                           fake,
I think she loves me,
                                            think back,
I thought she loved me,
                                            infatuation
She said she'll never leave me,
                                                        LIES
­I need her,
                                             SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU
they WANTED me,
                                                             ­     NOT ANYMORE
You said I should stay,
                                                           ­                  We were wrong

You should go,
                                        FOR OUR SAKE.

Still alive
But barely breathing
I searched but didnt find a meaning
My persistent heart wont stop its beating
I get high instead of sleeping
Finding veins to shoot some speed in
Countless hours ive spent tweaking
Im Just a ****** and a fiend
Playing victim
To a cycle so vicious
Hard to admit im the one who chose and picked this
Im on my own hit list
My lifes the perfect nightmare thats ever been scripted
my Memories play out in tragedies
Remembering saddens me
Ive been more stressed than any kid should ever be
And yet i never let them see
The Years spent living in denial
I want to cry but fake a smile
Something i learned as a child
They wont hurt me if i never let them in
I never learned how to get vulnerable
I just held it all in
Bottled up feelings
Never once expressing
How it feels inside my head
All alone no one knows me
Ive aways been a phony
Force feeding myself so im not too noticeably boney
I Cant cope unless im high
Needle full of dope until i die
My wills too weak to be freed
What was a want has now become a need
Im getting Paranoid as my track marks are getting harder to hide
My Blood thickens as it dries

It is death
that I want

Not the warmth
she brought  

Not orchids
next to my bed

Not another
burning sunset

Not the joyful
songs of Icarus

It is but death
I yearn for

within these holy walls my soul shall rise
still, I wear the smell of death like a perfume
a mind of both faith and sorrow
endlessly writing in runes
and the ink stains my translucent hands
all the blue and green of my veins
I cannot stand the fluent life in my body
maybe I shall bleed out

I flail around,
Not backing down.
In and out,
I scream and shout.
Self-aimed, the blow:
Plunge down below.
My line is cut.
The book slams shut.

She falls into the grasp of his hands
The ground crumbles as she stands
Her life is nothing but broken glass
The air is toxin and love is a gas mask
She breaks beneath the sound of his voice
The constant regret of her naive choice
Her world is gone with all she loved
The constant question of am I enough
She burned for the bullet in her chest
The shame brought to her family crest
Her name is now a word unspoken
The damage of a heart remaining broken
She feels the sharp pain of needles piercing
The pain that draws her to endless screaming
Her chest a blaze as she feels it all
The blisters and pus continue to scald
She falls to her knees praying to be free
The dream ends and she wakes from her sleep
Her heart still pounding and she's covered in sweat
The cuts in her skin she will never forget

It's currently 2am and I remembered someone asked me, 'What does it feel to be suicidal?'
'Does it literally mean that you want to **** yourself?'
Now what does being suicidal mean?
A lot of people interprets the word 'suicidal' individuals as persons who's mad and wants to **** themselves.
As simple as that.
A person who wants to pull a gun's trigger in their head.
But people got it all wrong.
Being suicidal doesn't just mean killing yourself.
Being suicidal is like,
smoking cigarettes and drinking with hopes that you'll get cancer and die.
Or maybe crossing the street without looking cause you don't really care getting hit by a vehicle.
Not eating or not sleeping and hoping that you'll die out of exhaustion.
Or even staying late outside hoping that a random person would stab you and let you bleed to death.
Sometimes it's showing less interest and being cruel to persons that you love, because if they leave you'll have less reasons to go on with life.
Or not being interested with yours dreams and future so you'll get tired and have less of a purpose.
Sometimes being suicidal means shutting all of your doors to be alone and endure all the pain.
Or putting yourself in potentially painful situations hoping that it'll be the last straw.
It's that sick feeling when every time you sleep at night, and the only hope you have is that your eyes will not open.  
Being suicidal doesn't mean trying to die.
Or pointing a gun in your head and pulling its trigger.
A lot of times, it means not putting any effort in living.