These are the cyclical watches:
Waking dawns of healing,
Walking light of realization,
Rejoicing contentment,
Sitting afternoons of temptation,
Wandering twilight rebellion,
Wallowing nights of sin,
Shrieking midnight repentance,
Mournful watches before dawn....
These are the days of shriving.

They say expectations can never be reality.
They say expectations can never set you free.
But wait..

What about death?
What about wars?..
What about the bloodstains that's on the walls?..
What about that kid that used to sleep on a cardboard one night and now owns empires?
What about that Palestinian child inside a cage who practiced music under trees until the voice of his music got louder and louder and set him free?..

It's funny how that we keep having alarms from our dreams but we keep hitting snooze over and over again.
It's funny how that the people who struggle the most flies the highest.

And yes..
We do get dark thoughts.
Yes.
We do face dark blocks.

Look around..
Look around..
Look at the world. Look at how big it is when we zoom in.
But when we zoom out its just small and nothing.
We never know its real unless we live what they feel.
I peek inside a person and I meet a warrior.
A warrior who is sleeping, running, and daydreaming.

It's sad that I never met a warrior who's actually fighting and flying.
We are supposed to grow the earth not cut its trees.
We should quit **** and try to fly in reality.

Years ago I met a boy.
Who became the man I followed across the globe.
Who became a boy yet again, years later.
Like a child painstakingly building a sandcastle all afternoon,
Investing time, love, affection,
He trampled me before the tide ever could.

I put New York on my keyring.
I carried the loss of that little heart with me everywhere.
I carried it with me into every chance encounter.
Into every lonely late night drive.
I carried that heavy weight with me in my pocket everywhere.
Always.

I'd reach my hand into the pocket of my coat.
The familiarity of its worn edges somehow reassured me with its loss.

But then came a glimmer of something new.
And I thought, maybe this little broken heart is only a memento after all--A token.
Maybe it's not completely broken.

Today New York fell off inside my pocket.
As if to say, "It's time."

It is the loss of a loss.
It's a relief--
The chance to gain everything.
And it's terrifying.

Am I safe in your hands?
Please, make sure this castle stands.
Make it a mighty fortress.
One with a moat.
Keep my wounded heart afloat.

You must **** the Beast,
That's what I've been told,
Bring your blade 'tween its eyes,
Like in the days of old.

I must beat It and break It,
That's what I'd been told,
I must bruise It and make Its
Blood run cold.

But I would rather have It go
to some foreign land,
Or else hide with the fish in the sea,
Have It go and sleep
beneath those soft sands,
And stay far away from me.

Yet I know this Beast
would haunt me even then,
Would return and rear Its ugly head,
It doesn't matter what has been
And I don't care what the others said,
I'm putting this matter to bed!

I wrestle the beast in my arms,
Howling how I forever vow
That this beast will do no more harm,
For I am its master now.

Agony of memories shackled in soul
Loss of control

Cult raised isolation bred within youth
Eureka of truth

Abandoned by love own motherhood start
Burden of heart

Maternal disease and death's lengthy fight
Daytime to night

Caring in vain is like tightening rope
Grasping for hope

Sweet child now mortal illness attacked
Mind being racked

No support acquaintance or true friend
Alone till end

Questioning Deity in trial with doubt
Childish I pout

Weakness in battle spirit slowly died
Strength not inside

Broken wondering why His small pawn
Can't carry on

I don't think this is my life
it seems more like a nightmere!
But when I rub my blurry eyes
I just can't make it disappear...
I used to feel the warm sunshine
now I am blinded by its light.
I used to lay my head to sleep
now days just bleed into night.
There was a time I always laughed
now it hurts my face just to smile.
I know I used to be someone,
but no one's seen her in awhile.
I remember I was once in love
and the soothing, comfort I felt.
Now I'm just mad....mad at the world
for the ****** up hand I was dealt.
I think I remember carefree days,
that was back when I had friends.
Living life just for tomorrow,
now I can't wait till my life ends.
I know I used to be truly happy
now I hide behind a mask of cheer...
I guess this really is my life
I'm just living a nightmere.