My heart breaks every spring break
It breaks for kids like me who watch as others visit their home countries
While we cannot leave the USA
We have to sit and watch people butcher bachata
Watch how they're hips refuse to accept something other than Taylor swift
We listen when they come back with stories of how they thought our food was too different and not “Mexican” enough as if all Latin America is Mexico
We hear the laughs they make at our cousins back home for just being themselves
My heart cannot handle the privilege they wear on their sleeves when they come back
Knowing I might never see my own island
How I am thought it is ***** and dangerous
A place where girls should not be left alone
While they get the clean streets, they get to avoid the gangs
How they assault our girls
Don't tell me to just save my money and go next year
It is not that simple
We don't stay in your resorts
We live en el capital y los campos nunca los hoteles y la vida blanco
Aka the places you never set foot
You go to my island
You buy bracelets de mi bandera
You try to live my roots
But complain when I dare show pride for my people
The hypocrisy breaks my heart
It's blood pours onto my all American soil
Is my island nice?
Tell me do the trees sway as if they are dancing to Anthony Santos?
Do the branches act as the leading man guiding the leaves to swing their stems to beat?
Does the Dominican anthem ring in the hearts of the people
A pride that is new and vibrant radiating off their faces
How they have clear all their schedules to make sure you see the highlights of our land
When you eat do you feel as though each bite was made with the love of thousand of abuelas?
Can you envision the hours she spends over a hot gas stove stirring los habichuelas y arroz
Using what little food they have left over to feed you over their own blood?
Tell me does my island make you proud?
It makes my heart filled with joy
To know my people did something right that you would walk the same land as slaves
That somehow we got enough pride to make sure you had a good time that you were safe that you can have whatever you wanted
On my island
Tell me, what left is there to complain about?
Mi isla es mi corazón, mi sueño, es mi vida
Pero to you it is just another week out the calendar
My heart will break every march
Because when you come back you complain how in the Dominican Republic no one spoke to you in English
And I worry, how you think when Dominicans come here we should speak English
But when you come to our home you don't want us to speak our language
Your hypocrisy hurts
My island does all it can to make you happy
But you are never pleased
What more can we do
You take pieces of us and use them in your portrait of appropriation
You take our pride and use it as joke
My heart breaks
For the children like me
Never seeing their land
Except on Instagram in the middle of march

All I wanted was to party
To loose myself for a couple of days
To let go of everything that has been piling up on my life
But instead i made my life even worse
I took some of this with that
And did I mention the free drinks
But hours in I met my match and it was all over
He said I was nice, and that I was funny
He also gave me drinks
And soon I couldn't even remember my own name
Let alone scream for help when he attacked me
It only took a couple of minutes and it was done
Taken away from me while I was loosing myself
Why didn't I think that would happen?
Because I didn't think that I could be hurt by anything anymore
But I was

the warm sun hits my face and here i sit thinking:
if I was still to be counting the days since the last time I felt at home
when my lips were on your lips
and our bodies were intertwined-
i'd be wasting my precious time away.
you were never home,
you were more or less a hotel room
i had wrongfully mistaken for home.
you made me feel comfy&coz;;
for the time being and then kicked
me out as if i was nothing and then
quickly replaced me with new tenants.
joke is on you,
i might have thought i needed you
but i made it through the winter
without you& now spring is upon
us and i'm thrilled to further distance
myself from the time I messed up
by calling you "HOME"
thanks for not sticking around.
~CMD

Sophomore year.
Spring break.
Crying.
Why can’t I stop?
Just stop it, ******* it!
You’re being pathetic.

Ding Ding
It’s a text.
“Hey! You free tonight?”
I didn’t think he’d text me.
I can’t.
It’d be wrong.
“Totally. What’d you have in mind?”
Oh no.
What’d I just do?
“I could pick you up around 10 and maybe just chill?”
10?
Pm?
Why so late?
“Yeah. Can’t wait!”

Tick
Tick
Tick
Tick

9pm:
What do I wear?
What do I wear?

9:45pm:
Put on eyeliner.
Put on mascara.
Put on lipstick.

10pm:
Okay.

10:05pm:
Where is he?

10:10pm:
Just wait.

10:15pm:
Should be here anytime now.

10:20pm:
Just a couple more minutes.

10:25pm:
Give him some more time.
I can’t expect him to be here right away.

10:30pm:
Is he coming?

10:35pm:
Did he forget?

10:45pm:
It was a joke.
Funny.

10:50pm:
Ding Ding
It’s a text.
“Hey, I’m here.”
Open my window.
Crawl out.
Ouch!
A nail  was sticking out.
Blood.
Blood is dripping down my leg.
It's okay.
He's here.
He's here.

What am I doing?
"Hey, you look nice."
He thinks I look nice.
"Thanks."
We drive.
And drive.
And drive.
Where are we?
It’s dark.
So dark.
I hear crickets.
And his breathing.
His breathing.
His breathing.
His breathing.

What is this?
A shed.
Abandoned.
“Sit down.”
Where do I sit?
It’s so dark.
I can’t see.
Where are we?
Where am I?
Where am I?

His hand is on my thigh.
What’s he doing?
“You’re so beautiful.”
He can’t see me.
I can’t see him.
It’s so dark.
“Thanks.”
His hand is higher now.
I should’ve worn pants.
He’s taking off my underwear
My package bought *******.
What’s he doing?
What’s he doing?
What’s he doing!
Do I like it?
Is he happy?
I want him to be happy.
Just let him do it.

His breathing.
His breathing.
My breathing.

It’s gone.
My underwear.

Oh my god.
Just sit here.
It’s okay.
He’s here.
He’s not going to hurt me.
He can’t.
He won’t.
It’s okay.

He’s unzipping.
What’s he unzipping?
I can’t see.
His hands on my *******.
I don’t know what to feel.
What do I feel?
What should I feel?
What does he feel?

His hands on my bare legs.
I flinch.
“It’s okay.”
It’s okay.

It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Stop please.
Please stop.
I can’t take it.
I can’t take it.
Stop.
I want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I want him to be happy.
Just be happy.
Be happy.
Happy.
Is he happy?

Tick
Tick
Tick
*Tick

but i know there's no ghost on this island
cause his hands would be all covered in bud
not much else but a sight for the red eyed
a reality that seems real enough

everything you could want you can find by the beach
but after the music stops it seems everything dies
I've had my fun but I know its so empty
think i’ll just lay here until the sunrise

the dark waves of the night try to calm me
a drunk drag, lungs swell with liquid black
drowning in these thoughts on this island
hoping the waves will carry me back

Passion fruit. Banana *****, papaya dreams so nice and juicy.
Papa's up. The game is down, these other kings just ain't around.
Bang, Bang, Who's Up?! Bang, Bang, Who's Down?!
These other authors they hit the ground.

I don't mean to fright, I don't mean to leave
I just got this thing that drives me.
I don't need to fight, but it feels, so, soo, good.
But all the po' lease think that it's my neighborhood.

Ooh girl I like ya'
C'mon over I like ya'
Ooh girl I like ya'
C'mon over I'll bite ya'

I know you's a freak, so bring a friend
I got rubber sheets, so I can break you in
Some other girls, think go around
But the truth is I just go downtown
The Rick Owens Store is like my homepage
If you ain't Facebook than you ain't gettin' laid
Obscur is fresh, Henrik's a boss, but I have to say
Trentemoeller really Lost. I liked Last Resort, even
Harbour Trips, but lately he's been on some ****** up ****.

My parents want me to go get a Jay Oh Bee
But I'm too busy, sleeping.
My baby's face is porcelain, but I can't afford it
So I said it looked aluminum.

Dem people not, be steppin' on my toes
Cause' I'll show up reppin' Sheridan Rd. with my Colt '44.

Ooh girl I like ya
C'mon over ya ripe now
Ooh girl I like ya
C'mon over I'll bite ya

Your black garters' hot, so is yo' lace bikini
When it comes to lingerie, I play it like Houdini
Whether it's Agent Provocateur or Victoria's Secret
I hold my *** until I can put it in your ****.

Relationship is such a ***** word
But when it comes to ***** I like 4-letter verbs
You can bring..um..whatever you want
But if you gotta ****. **** *****. I'm out.

I remember this one time that
You and I went to the beach and
We fell in love as we
Got up early to watch the sun rise and
Kissed and held hands and cared not
At all
Who was watching.

I had never felt love like that
So thrilling and still
Reciprocal and
Just so head over heels
I couldn't tell where was up and
How it differed from down
As my head twisted around your
Stone cold exterior and
Cracked the surface as I
Crumbled.

We met outside of a dingy doorframe
of a hotel room and automatically blurted out
introductions at the same time,
pinking our cheeks and
slowing
us
down.

The way you breathed out your name
as if it was the lingering smoke
from the last drag of your cigarette
captured my attention and
kept me hungry
for more.

Three days passed
and we were caught wrapped
in the white sheets of Room 243,
whispering compliments of the craft
of my soft lips on your bare skin
in between green apple
Smirnoff-soaked kisses.

You didn’t mind
when I desperately needed to find
my best friend wrapped in the arms
of a half-naked frat boy
by the bonfire flames,
just to tell her she was
the best friend I have ever had.

I didn’t mind when we ran
through the hotel hallways
to find your best friend
on the brink of arrest,
barefoot and broke,
giving the shuttle drivers a hard time.

We said goodbye outside the dented door
of the shuttle we coincidentally took
together the morning after,
leaving behind our two a.m. talks
of improvisations and dances
to stupid songs by the DJ
in the other world that is
Lake Havasu.

*May 5, 2014 4:17:28 PM