another day another mistake
these bad habits I can't seem to break
it's as if they posses a mind of their own
my will wavers whichever way the wind is blown

indulge in excess
time and time again
I repeat the process
repent then sin

rinse and repeat
the guilt consumes me
I never seem to learn
at least not fully

even when I spend months on end
sober and free and conscious again
the cycles always draw me near
like a siren's song I can't unhear

I return to hell to make my bed
and as I lay in it - soul half dead
I come to terms with the fact
that this was my consciously chosen path

I sat there with drink in hand
wondering what I was doing with my life
how could I expect things to change
or to ever make this woman my wife?

Next day I walked into a room
full of people I did not know
but as soon as they told their stories
it was as if I started to glow

"Keep coming back," they said
and so that's exactly what I did
they help me one day at a time
as this addiction, I try to rid

9 months I've gone now
without having poured a drink
all the things they've taught me
it really makes you stop and think

So trust in this new beginning
and the direction I'm heading in
for in these rooms I've found myself
and developed brand new kin

I used to wake up each day
and head straight for the bottle
now I hit my knees and say
thank you for keeping me able

No more blackouts and
no more drunken fights
instead, I get to remember
each and every night

Thank you for my willingness
Thank you for setting me free
Thank you for giving me purpose
Thank you for my sobriety

It takes 9 months to make a baby
but in my 9 months, I've made something else
with all of the odds stacked against me
I've managed to make something of myself

I've made new friendships in place of
the ones I realize are no good for me
opened up my eyes for I was blind
but now there are many things to see

I've made strides towards healing
both my mind and my weary soul
a part of my every day now
I've taken on an entirely different roll

I've lost someone who was my everything
but still got through without a drink
it feels like just yesterday
looking back, time passes in a blink

I've dealt with stress so unimaginable
and spent time in a psychiatric ward
never once when I got out
a drink had I poured

I've been working my steps
I even pray to a Higher Power
although I'll admit that
in the beginning, I was sour

But that has changed as now
I have learned how to be willing
I never knew what feelings
these meetings could bring

Feelings of comfort and belonging
sometimes even happiness and joy
no longer do I need to use
the bottle as a decoy

To walk into a room of people
and know this is where I'm supposed to be
is the most magical feeling
it's so important to me

No bottle could ever convince me
to give that up for only a moment
of numbness and escape that doesn't last
no, the only route must be to confront

I gave up that life 9 months ago
looking back I am so glad I did
I'm healthier now than I was before
and I have a happier kid

9 months to make a baby
9 months of hard work
sobriety put into action
feels like fireworks

Abandoned once again
should've seen it coming
knew this would end
left with a short string.

Abandoned once again
by an authoritative figure
someone I was supposed to call
when I didn't know the answer.

Abandoned once again
by a person, I learned to trust
now I wonder if my
step work is a bust.

Abandoned once again
now I must do the work
to find another sponsor
and hope they're not a ****.

Drinking *****
Breathing lies
Sniffing crack
Injecting likes
Blazing ***
Smoking hate
Eating coke
Believing fate
Tasting ****
Doing mine
Licking molly
Puffing crime
Vape opinions
Lines of cash
Feel the E
Camera’s flash
Popping oxy
Juiced on texts
Craving H
Hits of ***
Buzzed on pride
Shooting crank
Chewing shrooms
Dipping swank
Sweating spice
******* dust
Shots of self
****** on lust
Cutting white
Burning black
Craving dope
Snorting smack

Always high
And hungover
Never dreaming
Never sober.

Regret.
I drank mine.
Illness.
I smoked it.

Ill conceived &
         imitation.
My mind bent &
         snapped in half.

I can see your eye in every star.
Watching while I enter chrysalis.

         What's it like
         hoping I rot?
         (will do)
         What's it like
         laughing
         looking
         at the past?

Sober, I have to force myself to laugh.

I can see your winking eye in every light.
I can see your winking eye in every star light.

****.

I don't want no more
cherry
              light.
I don't want no more
green
            in - ferno.
Once upon a time I
held dreams as close
as I went on
to hold smoke
in my lungs --

   I don't want no more.

Yes: maybe Davey is right.
Which edge is the knife's edge and
which edge is. . .

Which edge is which?

Yes: maybe my Davey is right.
Complacency kills
the best of all intention.

My sleep's been in detention.
Maybe taking the easy downer. . .
Maybe taking
the easy upper. . .

I'll      take      back

      my dreams.

Eyes wide at 5 AM
I can’t tame them
My thoughts are miles away
Might as well call it mind decay

I drive in circles for hours
My fear hovers over it me, it towers
Just pick up the phone
No one will know, you’re alone

The cravings won’t stop
My thoughts are the robbers
And my common sense is the cop

Not very well trained
My brain is strained

Jump out of bed
Jolts through my feet like a knife
I’m on the run again
I have to choose