I cried so hard last night
I cried soo hard
I try to stay positive but it was something I had to do
there is cancer in my body
located in my chest
Last night I cried so hard, as though I was just realizing this
but no, it's nothing new
not too new
my mom was there to comfort me
she was there with words of encouragement
what I have is something curable
but my tears were still well spent
I believe in God for my healing but pinned up confusion overwhelmed me
I had to vent
I had to vent
ventilation for my questions
are you serious? Who just gets cancer honestly?
I did
But I'm okay now, because last night I smiled soo hard too
I smiled soo hard
I smiled because cancer cannot make my friends abandon me
and it cannot **** my spirit
Cancer cannot do the things my God CAN do.
It cannot heal me yet every day I am feeling better.
The cancer in my chest is totally unable to beat the strong faithful dancer in my blood
and I smiled for all these things because no matter how many times I get down
they can't beat how often I am up because I am blessed and my blessings outweigh the stormy flood.
I cried soo hard last night man, I cried soo hard
But I smiled too.

My smile exist, because you do.

Tiny smiles and loud laughs
Summer heat and cool breeze
Excited words and calm thoughts
Deep conversation about meaningless things.

Soft songs and slow guitar
Young souls with long lives
Polaroid photos and alleyways
Sunroofs and blue skies.

Dollar stores and Chinese food
Gazebos and high heels
Doughnuts and Bonnaroo
Tiny smiles and lunch meals.

You know that feeling when time freezes
You're hand starts to shake a little
You can't help smiling when you know for a fact how stupid you look
They're the only thought on your mind first thing in the morning and last at night

I try to stop and wonder why
Am I numb now?
Tears start to fall
Never wanting to stop

Just a minute ago
I was laughing
Now I’m depressed
Suicidal thoughts arise

How can I've been happy?
Then so upset in a blink of an eye
I remember their faces
And I feel nothing for them

Everything’s a distant memory
My own nightmares taking over
I try to find something joyful
All I found was even more terror

How can I tell the people who love
That when night comes
I’m no longer myself
Just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I’m a monster that does not feel
Alone and cold, immune to everything
What happened to me?
I want it to stop

But whenever I try to stop
Someone else barges in
I don’t know who it is
But they’re taking over

I try to control myself
Hoping to win the battle in my head
Whether I win or lose
I’m no longer the same

I've changed but not for the better
All the things I've pushed away
Have resurfaced and formed
Now it has personified into my nightmares

Gladly, it only happens at night
But it talks to me during the day
I push back the negativity
Or else it’ll swallow me whole

Who knew it would be like this
I didn't, but that’s what I get
I can never be truly happy
I’ve accepted this much

I’ll face the world with my burdens
Give everyone a smile
I’ll lie my way to my death
Knowing that no one knows the monster inside.

I always wondered what you thought
when you kissed me
because your eyes always remained shut
as if you did not want to open them
and see that it was me
So I watched you
before, during, after
and sometimes
I thought I saw you smile

I always thought that maybe
you wanted the kisses more
than you wanted me
and I was squeezing into a space
smaller than my body
but I would do,
for now,
and I stopped smiling
just in case

I always noticed how you kissed me
on the cheek
and on the top of my head
and on the shoulder
when I was not looking at you
as if you were trying to break through
and send it through my veins
straight to my heart
and I could not help but smile

I always assumed nothing would change
and the fake love we had
would remain in the dark
of your bedroom with beer in our blood
and we would act cordial
the following week as we sat in class
People would say to me
I didn't realize you two were friends
as they saw you smile at me

I never realized that a day would come
when you would kiss me
when the sun was up
no longer hiding
from the rest of the world
but you did
and afterwards
you didn't do anything but smile