Your arrival came too
early for me to appreciate
the beautiful capacity
I realized it too late
I wish I could return
to the dawn of this bond
where you and I shared a family
we would harmonize in song
in stories and whispers
three knocks on the wall
I resented competing with you
once and for all
let me clear this stale air
and apologize for misgivings
we have mended our relationship
made up for the beginning
I love you no matter
whatever we go through
let me say while you’re here:
I’m so lucky to have you.

“day one;
a baby-faced image stared back at him, full of youth and life. he swallowed hard.

day two;
the thoughts that plagued his mind were too hard to forget. he smiled down at her, a strained sort of feeling.

day three;
he thought he’d be able to forget.
boy, was he wrong.
he smiled, a jagged sort and walked down the hall.

day four;
his fingers trembled. it wasn’t long before he went scavenging for things to make him feel numb.

day five;
he’d come home, blurry-eyed and high on bittersweet memories.
boy, was it hard.

day six;
pacing in the flat. back and fourth, back and fourth.
trembling hands, clenched in fists, white knuckles adorned with red.

day seven;
he brushed back her hair, kissed the top of her head and locked the door.

day eight;
he caught his mother on the floor. she hunched in the dark, with agonizing pressure over her shoulders. she wailed.

day nine;
to hell with them.

day ten;
was the day he was dreading. we’ll knock down the door, they said. his mother left it to swing ajar. he held her behind him. “to hell with them,” he’d say. she hugged his torso. his mother screamed. in the second he looked away, she was gone.

day eleven;
he sobbed. no matter how high he could get, the pain wasn’t going away. ecstasy was no more. “may we meet again,” she said. the door closed behind her.
he opened his hand. he clutched a ribbon of red silk. “may we meet again.”

When we're in the car i can't hum to myself silently, but my brother is allowed to scream along to whatever is in his headphones.

When we're in the car and i ask my brother to stop jumping because his arm hits my face wverytime he does so
I am told to shut up.

When i ask for help i am always just told that i am the oldest one.
But my brother is only 10
So when he asks they're all there with whatever he needs.

When i comment on something my parents won't listen and ask me to shut the **** up.
But when my brother asks, they're all about listening and telling him that he is oh so right.

When i am crying i am told that i have no reason to do so.
But when my brother is crying they're all asking if they can help.

When i want to be with friends i am told that i don't spend enough time with my family.
But when it's my brother, of course he can!

When i want time alone i am told to babysit my littlesister.
When my brother wants time alone he ******* gets it..

And when i say i think that it's unfair, they tell me i'm ridiculous and i also had the perks of being a kid...
But is there no perks of being the oldest?

My sister was born everyone acted like it was a party.
When I came around it was a funeral.

She only wore pink and bright colored clothes.
I wore black skinny jeans and gray sneakers.

She goes to church every Sunday.
I stay home and eat Pringles.

She dates boys.
I've dated girls and boys.

She listens to Ed Sheeran
I rock out to Sleeping With Sirens

She wins awards at school and everyone loves her.
I get called names and my friends have all left.

She draws pictures of flowers in a notebook.
I draw scars on my wrists.

She is perfect
I am flawed

She's an angel
And I'm
Not

But I will never be like her

I’d give you every coin I have in my pocket
Ask you to throw away those packs of cigarette
And flush down those butts down the toilet
I’d give you all the coins and ask you to buy candies instead
like we used to
When we wore matched shirts
with smears of ice cream on our chins
or skimmed milk lining the corners of our mouths
We’ve fought our wars, you and I
Pillow battles and word fights
And maybe you don’t remember but I
was the one who’d tuck you in at night
Sneaking a sip from your baby formula

Now maybe we’re too old for that
Maybe I’ll let you have all the coins in my pocket
And maybe I’ll let you buy your cigarette
And you’d let me have your beer instead