Life Without Resentment

Nearly everyone has stored
among hardbacks and paperbacks
or dusty mental drawers
resentments, gathered incidentally
unintentionally or
by rubbing shoulders
with ingrates and other
irritating souls

Meeting her, she exudes
an excitement for what is said
while displaying an openness
a self-reliance
that disallows any acrimony
indignation or animosity

No bitterness is harbored
nor rancor secreted
among the ruins
of her disappointments

Not long-suffering
the past is forgiven and forgotten

Not apprehensive or perturbed
she treads in this moment
with the power of living in the present
no longer feeling victimized
She lives refreshed, restored
without resentment

She walks with me,
quietly alongside,
taking my hand when I'm scared,
and when I'm wild
giving me freedom to fly.

She holds my tears in her palm,
encourages me to stay strong,
lifts the darkness when I'm dreary
and fights my demons when I fall.

She's part angel,
part friend,
part mother,
part zen,

she is warrior,
inner peace,
she is love,
she is me.

I had no No in my vocabulary,
No veto power,
No nix, no nullity, no negation.
I was the King of Affirmation,
Yes to this, yes to that.
I thought No would cut me off from love,
Friendship, belonging.
I couldn’t say that word to anyone,
Not nobody not nohow.
I was the Wizard of Yes.
The Emperor of Agreement.
The Yes Man to the universe.

What was I?
A character in someone else’s play,
Puppeting my way through life,
Following a program I did not write.

I had to have a word that was my own,
A firm, strong, stubborn word,
To crash the program, buck the tide.

Now I’m ready to know No.
For No has that stopping power.
No is the Final Word.
No tells you in no uncertain terms,
What you really want.
This is me, it says.
These are my boundaries.
This is my true and real self.
I’m in love with No.
No, No, No, No, No, No.
I like the way I say it, and I know
That only by shouting my No
Can I say Yes to Me.

I'm not a princess, I don't need saving
It's only your love on my heart that needs engraving
I'm not a damsel in distress
Only your love can impress
There's no golden locks for you to climb
Only my heart that you must find
There's no dragon that needs slaying
Just your love is all I'm craving
There's no castle walls to scale
Only true love will prevail
I don't need your money or gold
I can't be bought or sold
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm not like most women that you meet
I'm one of a kind, I am unique
It's only your sweet love that I seek

Today I'm fresh
Today I am new
I am feeling around in the dark, but it's only my hands
It's only my voice that answers the queries
I knew something was wrong when I looked for your voice before my own
When I wanted your hands in case my clumsy pair failed
I was living my life through you
So, one set of hands and one voice ringing through the dark is the answer
And I answered
I am all I need

i don't need anyone or anything
i'm a self-sustaining music machine
infinite energy, wax and wane
some times i feel vain
while i contemplate pain and imagine security
in the arms of another, spurious and distant
i hold my stance and raise my arms

a pitiable defense against the rigours of a lonely life
but they're all i've got and so i take a stab
because the only constant in strife is that nothing short of ****** will stop me
and even though i may feel blue, it's only cos i wanted company
i feel at odds with the inner me
and ashamed that i have to explain myself
and apologize for the tremor i felt

my hands shake with the weight of a thousand cuts, hidden
beneath a thick veneer of smiles and "how are you?"s
she was the only one to reach through and hold the trembling nucleus
to say "it's okay, I know that you can do this"
but i worry her and i can only think about how much i worry them
i some times worry myself, now i think again

but this is the way i am built and i will make it all the same
life is a series of moments and kindly strangers met on a late-night train

i want to be like you. it's easier to like myself now.
but it breaks my heart that i can't explain it properly, anyhow.

nick