Black
Opal
Coal
Charcoal
Midnight
My soul consumed
The horror of my past has caught up with me
I'm consumed by the ember flame
Every part dying
Withering away
Nothing left
Its a cold ground
Where I sit
Everything aches
No one knows
No one can know,
Not what I have become,
A monster inside
My world is nothing
Everything has faded away
Shades of black
Who knew that's all that would be left of me.
Strangely I laugh at this
Nothing can stop me now
For I have become a monster

Do you hear me,
At 8pm with a broken voice & sad eyes?
Do you see me,
At 4am with tear stained cheeks & bleeding thighs?
Do you know me,*
At 12pm with fake smiles & a mouthful of lies?

The decision is never really a choice
The low numbness and lack of feeling is fine
It can be contained and dealt with (Hidden)
Feeling is what triggers it
The sudden need to gasp, the jump in your heart
That believes it is hunted, haunted by the future past present
The hand in your gut, poking and prodding your intestines
Subtly and gently pulling your stomach

Feeling is what is unbearable
I have nothing to hit
No wounds to heal
Nothing to show for my inner turmoil
Except for the marks that I make
On the crook of my arm
That I hide only until they close
Because they never heal

..300, 4..
I don't want to count
The calories anymore.

-ARI

She's laying alone again.
No one's holding her hand again.
She's crying silently again.

Nothing ever changes. ?She's always going to feel alone.?No one's going to care or notice because she always hides her feelings with a fake smile. She's learned that no one will care unless she's pretty or dying. No one wants a depressed, self destructive mess of a teenage girl. She has so much potential but she just can't see it. She can't see just how much she means to others.

She's terrified. Her mind scaring her more and more with every passing second. Nobody has ever been able to understand the small girl with dulling green eyes. She never let anyone close enough to understand because she didn't want to scare them away or end up hurting them. She wouldn't dare inflict this type of pain and torture upon another soul.

So she laid alone in the dark of night, closing her eyes as her demons took ahold of her mind loud and clear. They made her do things that she wouldn't ever want to do to herself. But as long as it shut them up for a while, then she would do it. Just a distraction. She told herself daily that it wouldn't always be this way but she honestly never allowed herself to believe that repeated, unbelievable statement.  She barely believed a single word anyone said. The voices told her not to believe anything accept them.

Day in and day out she suffers in silence. She takes out their pain and anger on herself. She skips meals, over-exercises, and beats herself up daily so no one else has to. She can't help it, it's the easiest way to distract herself and stop the demons if only for a second.

She'll be okay one day. It may not be for a few years but she'll be alright. But for now, she hides behind fake smiles and long sleeves, crying in the lonely space of her dark bedroom.

if i can't look you in the eye

i barely have the courage to look in the mirror

In an empty room
Filled with water
There I fall
Letting gravity do its job
As my hair rises
So does the self hate
As body lowers
So does my hope
As the pain in my chest becomes tight
I cannot help to feel lost
The water continues to boil
Filling myself with nothing
As the pain grows
So my forgiveness
As my tears float up
So do I

Loving someone who doesn't love themself
is a constant reminder
that bliss and pain are one and the same.

Constant changing
of winds and minds and ideas.
Worry
nesting in my bones and thinning my thighs.
Love
blowing through our open mouths and burrowing
deep deep into my soul.
Hurt
in the most raw form
when your mind is cloudy and I care too much.
The end is so worth it
but the journey might eat me alive.