she handed me a chopping board
wrapped in cheap red paper,
with a card tucked neatly inside:
“since you like to slice yourself,
why not make it useful?”

merry christmas.

i stared at it—
wooden, plain,
cleaner than i’ve ever felt.
everyone else
pretended to laugh.
or worse—
pretended nothing happened.

no one stopped her.
no one looked at me.
i was thirteen
and bleeding invisibly.

she jokes like i’m not alive,
like my pain is some inside gag
she shares with herself
while i sit there,
swallowing the sound of my own heartbeat
because it’s the only thing i know
that hasn’t turned against me.

i started hurting myself
when she moved in.
not for drama.
not for show.
but because the ache in my chest
had nowhere else to go.

my skin became
a secret diary
she somehow still read.

they won’t let me get help.
say i’m too young,
too fragile,
too… dramatic.

but i’m old enough
to wake up alone in a dorm bed,
wanting to disappear
before the day even begins.

i pay for my own classes
because she says i’m too stupid
to waste money on.
i win races
because running is the only time
i feel like i’m moving away from her
fast enough.

sometimes i run
until my lungs burn.
until my legs forget
they belong to a girl
who flinches at kindness
because it feels like a setup.

i don’t want revenge.
i don’t want her to hurt.

i just want a birthday
without fear.
a christmas
without cruelty.
a life
where love doesn’t come with teeth.

and maybe—
just maybe—
a version of myself
who can look in the mirror
and see more
than what she tried to carve out of me.

Run down the street Feet patter
Flip Flops, Running Shoes, Bare Feet.
Quickly, Slowly.
Plip Plop, Hip Hop.

I want to feel the rush
of a thousand winds
incessantly pushing my sternum
back against my heart.
I want to taste the adrenaline
in its most natural form
as it flows through
my veins swelled with life.
I want to smell the carbon
of the passing drivers
concerned only
with the color of a light.
I want to see the sweat
cloud and sting my eyes
Blind me, I am unconcerned
my being suffers
as I push
my body
to the edge.

~~~

I sat alone in the bleachers
On a Friday night
I saw the ghost of my brother
Saw the ghost of my fallen kite
And I met you for the
1st,
2nd,
3rd,
4th,
5th,
6th time
Because when I'm with you, time stops,
And there's nothing but the air and us
And the city lights, and fast food stops, and gas stations
You give me tingles across my body, ecstatic sensations
And I'm sorry if I'm fixated,
On your big, beautiful...

Aspirations, and dreams
Because they involve me
And, and
I love you!
But what is love?
Baby, please don't hurt me
Because my heart can't take anymore breaking
But there isn't anymore love,
It's all about internships and college and jobs
My body yearns, and throbs
For your touch
A little too much

I'm drowning, in my feelings
And the noises
The ocean is washing over my grave
The ocean is washing open your grave
In my heart, you're the one that keeps me safe

We're mixing the palettes of each other's colours
I love you,
So will you be my kite runner?