She's Tired...
of the broken promises,
and of the broken dreams,

She's tired.
of being unappreciated,
taken for granted and hurt.

of lies rolling off your tongue,
and of the swelling tears,
she'd learn to hide.

She's tired of feeling replaceable,
disappointed and undesired,

of broken hearts,
--broken trust,
and of the emptiness she feels.

She's tired,
of being yours,
when you do not know how to love her.

The feeling of being replaceable is easily one of the ******* feelings in the world
You feel like your presence doesn't make an impact enough on a person that you can be so easily thrown out and replaced by a better person
You feel like if you leave you won't even leave a void and space where you once were
Maybe just a mark, a minimal trace but before they can feel that you're gone, someone new slips in
It's like trying to prove your worth and make someone realize how important you are so you keep a distance
But instead of longing for you, they replace you

I'm not some object you got at the store that you can replace when you're tired of me
I don't have a warranty, I have feelings
I don't want to be the girl who can easily slip through your fingers
Scratch that, I DO want to be the girl who can easily slip through your fingers but you choose to keep your fingers tightly packed because you know if you lose me you can't find another me among the 7 billion people in the world
I want you to know my worth
I know I have troubles seeing that myself
But I hope you see the light that shines through the cracks on my skin when I'm too sick of myself to look in the mirror
I hope you see the little hidden things and quirks of mine that I'm too blind to see
I hope you realize that no matter how many girls you talk to, time after time,
None of them can ever
Or will ever
Replace me

You aimed arrows at me,
tore my flesh in to pieces,
and threw me out to be the feast of the night,
but i survived,
i was 9,
i loved you,
but you were so mean, i couldnt even say the word 'dad'.
But now that i am nearly 18,
i have discovered how much an evil man can be easily replaced
by a forgiving heart

Today i found out that you met somebody else.
I thought i was over you,
I stopped crying at night
Letting the black tears stain my sheets
My chest never ached for you anymore
I never felt like i couldn't breathe
Like all the air was slowly suffocating me
I didn't hear your voice in my head anymore
You'd just became a memory that every once in a while id play back the record i saved of our love.
Instead of breaking down every time i saw your face,
It brought me happiness.
Today i found out that i am replaceable by someone else.
someone better.
It hit me like a bullet to the heart
Thrown against the wall as if a wave brought me out to sea and started to drown me.
As the water filled my lungs
I heard your voice again,
But now its muffled by the water I'm submerged in.
I saw your face for just one second
And then the ocean swallowed me.

Loneliness is craving love from a person you know isn't right for you because nobody else is around.
It's wondering what it feels like to feel at home and secure in someone else's arms, and if that feeling can truly really exists forever.  
It's choosing men with darkened lives because their dependency brings you a selfish feeling of permanence and safety.
It's a gut wrenching and sick feeling seeping into your bones when you are held with pure and genuine tenderness because you can taste the closeness of your expiration more than sweetness in the moment.  
It's keeping the weak and fearful girl locked and imprisoned within the core of your heart, thinking that it is the only way to exude perfection, while only further losing yourself in the process.
It's missing out on yet another chance of revealing your wounds, and letting someone truly sit beside you and accept you, because you took too long, and no one waits forever.
It's allowing for others to take advantage and treat you poorly, because your self worth runs shallow.
It's asking suitor after suitor what trait it is within you that they find most endearing, and the response is always superficial, making you disappointingly wonder why no one can see what is in your heart and mind
It's dwindling further and further away from God unintentionally and missing the serenity and peace He once brought to your soul.
It's gazing into the eyes of your unborn child and wondering what that moment of motherhood will feel like -when you're looked at innocently for protection and unconditional endless love
It's realizing that whoever my life long companion will be, will not be the one who is responsible for filling these gaps
It's wondering how I am going to win this battle against myself in a cold and lonely world to feel like a stronger and confident women deserving of the beauty and sweetness life has to offer.

The problem is I do like him.
I certainly hate him
But I also like him.
I like the way he capitalizes the beginnings of his sentences over text,  I like the cute little crinkles that appear in his forehead when he smiles
The coy way he responds to flirtation with something like "Oh really now?"
I like how he calls things "sweet", the way he says "aww" I even f!cking like his annoying as hell overuse of the phrase "haha" when he texts which ****** me off,
I like how he is the only teenaged boy I know who says something is "quite" fun and how he uses the word "lovely" to describe things because no one uses that word anymore and more people should.
I like how he has an immense love for Spiderman,
How he has all these aspirations of travelling all over in the future
I like how he wants to live in England one day, I like that he is into cooking and drinks coffee and hot chocolate and how his favorite book is "Looking for Alaska" and how he's read everyone of John Green's books and how he wants to be a writer one day.
I just remember the dumbest little things that I still like about him
For instance how he likes Neil Gaiman and loud screamy music even though I hate that stuff, how he is the only one in his fractured family who doesn't speak French but his older sister and mother do. He has a dog named Charlie and when he was a kid he always spelled "subtle" wrong. I just don't know *** is wrong with me I should have known better. I should hate him for half this stuff and all the rest of the reasons I have to loathe him but it's hard to forget those little details about him. I just hate feeling like a broken lock. A lock of dark secrets and completely irrepairable. Though it's not the fact that Im irrepairable that bothers me as much as feeling so... replaceable. Idk. Maybe I need to go out with someone to get him out of my head.

it won't be too hard
to find another
you,
but I could do better--
i just need an upgrade,
a phone that will take pictures
of my new lover,
a popped button off his collar, easily fixed
and the temporary kindness
i could find in a more genuine soul.

so yes, you're replaceable.