These dark days of emptiness frighten me
Your absence, this distance, stretches my once iron-clad sanity
     into the the thinnest metallic thread, causing it to burn and
     slice through my reality.
It is at times like these reminiscences of you are welcome wraiths,
     haunting me from shadows cast by your light.
They are conjured during moments of my deepest desperation.
All that is left to me is to embrace the bittersweet torture they bring.
I beg you, My Love!
Turn your glowing gaze directly on me and banish these shades
     before they are my ruin.

I didn’t think of you today.
That’s a lie that I often tell myself, naively thinking that I can fool myself.

I only thought of you a little today.
A pill of non-truth that is only slightly easier to swallow because it’s grounded in deception and not outright lies.

I can’t stop thinking about you today.
The absolute truth.  Whoever said the truth shall set you free was obviously not talking about the lies we tell ourselves, because this truth captures me and torments me to no end.

You destroyed every part of me, and still I light up at your text.  Still I wonder, and wonder, and wonder.  Creating scenarios inside my head that can never be reality.  Creating scenarios where I’m not broken, and you’re happy, and the world didn’t burn.

I didn’t think of you today.  

Not yet.

I just wanted to feel something, to be alive for a moment
The mistakes that I have made, how they eat me inside out
Like tapeworms consuming every broken down piece of food.
I just wanted to experience real, but my hole was too deep
I consumed and swallowed entire memories whole,
Nothing was ever quite enough it seemed, the hunger progressed
I continuously tried and tried to ***** out the fire, to forget it existed
But the flames burned high and bright, choking out any air I had left.
I pleaded and begged to be forgiven, but the thrones in my mind sat high
A mistake was all it took to lose myself entirely
I forgot who I was and what I stood for, I just wanted the hole filled.
It seemed that no matter the dirt, no matter the filler
The eternal quicksand ate every cubic inch and spit dust out
I ran in circles for years avoiding my mistakes
Until the day I ran smack into them and fell down the hole.
The fillers, the dirt, it consumed me, drowning out my cries for help
No one heard a single peep and I thought for sure I had died
How long will I hold guilt’s hand and kiss shames forehead,
I wasn’t right in the mind at the time and didn’t understand.
You see, I just wanted to feel something again
When your whole world is stripped away and tossed into the trash
You begin to feel the itch of filling “the hole.”
But I advise you to turn away, forgive yourself and not look back
For years I hated myself for making the same mistake
It took years to forgive myself, I'm still learning how.
Are there some mistakes you receive no redemption from?
I must be receiving some to know that it was wrong
Of all the mistakes I have made, that one just won’t let me go.

If you could hold me, scold me now
excuse tearing tears weeping shame
as I cry to you from deadmans brow

bring in your hands,
pain and broken daisies.
you cry; like nothing in my arms
grieve for flowers and unsung lullabies.
because you see the whole world as alive
never seen the devil and his harm,
while I live my life through maybes
you refuse to understand.

I saw an owl once
It swooped down in front of my car at full speed
It flared it’s white wings and looked me in the eyes as I ran over it
I always knew it meant something because it shook me so bad

I saw an owl the night I went to see her
It flew across the road and looked back at me
It taunted me to remember his brethren that I killed
It planted itself again in my memory of remorse

I saw another owl again this morning
He didn’t even look at me this time
He just flew past me to remind me that they’re still here
Maybe they forgive me… maybe I forgive myself

Cherry kiss
Come inside
Catch my breath
Windy bliss

Sticky fingers
Tongue is shaking
Slashed skin
Yet it lingers

Fired gun
Dead flowers
Flood of remorse
Buried on the day it had begun

Unaware of the intentions
Intoxicated with the hatred and lies
I gulped every bit
from the bowl they offered

You wanted to offer me help
I thought you’re delusional
The realization was late
and remorse made me worse

I wanted to be free
to stop the ride of disgust
But, It kept on dragging
Like the law of inertia

I knew it won’t stop
So, I waited, waited so long
for the engine to corrode
and dismantle to pieces

Now, I am free like a bird
No strings, no cage
And no chasing after mirage
A new voyage to rediscover myself

I wanted to apologise a lot
to the ones I have hurt
to the things I overlooked
And to the special one, you

You should have been my priority
You should have been the focus
The real one in this fake world
The clear one in this blurry world

Hope I still deserve you
Your hand of help
Your words of faith
Your unconditional love!

When she said, Don't talk to me,
She lost some of her voice.
Then I heard, Don't look for me,
She gave no other choice.
Don't touch, I have no feelings,
You make my skin crawl,
Don't expect a pick up,
If you pick up to call.

But I still smell her everywhere:
The shampoo used on her hair;
The bedsheets where we lay bare;
The fragrance of her festive tree;
Her aromatic herbal teas;
The lilies she could grow in sand,
Are sensational in my memory glands.