this obsession creeping into my veins
your ghost screams so loud sometimes
never forget

it's been a year
you've festered and grown
knawing away at my resolve

the one that got away,
the warmth you bring to my broken soul
a comfort i'd wish would leave like you

I want you to see this
There's a façade kind of bliss
That in my mind's eye
It sure felt like heaven's kiss.

You want me to see this
Play a part in your petty dreams
Let myself get lost in this shame abyss
Be seduced by your trysts.

If you wanted me to see this
How come we were a miss
And how come your new love's still
An old reminisce
Of memories and an angry's cat
Hiss?

I wanted you to see this
Maybe in the end
We were simply meant
To be each other's deadly miss.

Its been a month, I can seem to find
The words to say, or get you outta my mind
How I wish you looked back, to give closure
Knowledge won't end suffering, lack of exposure

How it must feel, to get rid of me
How my heart yearns, for what may seem
To be the old you I created in my head
Was it all a dream? Should I go back to bed

And even now, even now, I still defend your name
Even now, even now, I still take all the blame
For my words might attack you and cause you to leave
But you made it so thats all I had under my sleeves

I regret, that words cut so deep
I'm upset that i'm losing sleep
Wish I'd forget, Like you seem to do
What'd I expect? Is this a sign from You

And even now, even now, I wish you'd feel the same
Even now, even now, I wish you would come claim
The broken pieces of my heart I can't fix
Friendships turn toxic when romance is in the mix

But I guess, it would be mature
To just let go, and to be assured
That your life is going par for the course
Maybe my existence was a part of the cause
Where you couldn't seem to move on from the lack of resource

Even now, I wish I cut out my tongue
Even now, I wish we still stayed young
I wish forgiveness was as easy as the books make it seem
You were book-nerd and explained how they made you cry a stream
Now I see that not all books have happy endings
Some don't even end, wasting the time you're spending

Even now, you're a muse I abuse
And even now, I just wish I could choose
what thoughts entered in my head
And if it would affect you if you ever read

Even now, I wish you the best

The title speaks it all so clearly, unlike I who slurs my words
To write down what a handful will see, but phrases never to be heard
From obligations to congratulations, it all starts to feel the same
How petty it is I blame everything, how I must feel ashamed

Things I said to prove a point
messages left on read I wish I never sent
The cold is blistering, so are my fingers
Tell me how you can forget yet for me it still lingers

People go on with their lives, wishing for the summer
While I sit hear wishing I didn't think everything was a ******
Its so easy to appreciate the little things in life
But so hard when you feel teardrops turning into ice

Everyone says to seek help, that it gets better as you grow
yet almost a decade later I have nothing to show
Spreading positivity, have no certainty
Of the people coming and going, who matters and who closes the curtain

Future careers, games, girls, what I fear
Further encapsulating that I barely feel like I am here
Stuck between adulthood and being a child
Stuck between a mild nature and a wild imagination

Stuck between what games to play, what role to play
Which school to pay and which job pays better
Payment is engraved in my mindset, my parents make sure of it
Little do they know I hate adult life and I am sick of it

Crushes like a giddy child, in this darned freezing weather
Is it sad I feel better alone, or I feel alone and barely any better?
How ironic my words contradict each other
but thats what we were to one each other

Am I just ranting over you, this existence, or the future?
Is this in general or has my heart finally ruptured?
This barely makes sense, and neither does this life
Play, work, pay then get a wife? Is this why samurai always held a short knife?

I'm unsure what it is about these majestic creatures that first drew me in
From a young age I longed to be surrounded by them

I made friends with a neighbour
she tolerated my company well enough. That smell, molasses and grains barrels high. Her dusty old feed shed with hands just as grey

I made friends with a girl who was just as obsessed. We would play "horses" all recess. I would stay every weekend holidays too quizzing each other on horse facts we knew

I'm unsure how I still admire these creatures. I've been kicked. Though never bit.
I've been holding on for dear life while the horse gallops and kicks
Yet I'd get on a horse tomorrow and feel just as I did as a kid

The ocean seems so peaceful, the night is so calm
How the moon is ever so charming
Shining on me once again, and once again I long to be friends
you taught me how to whale watch, you taught me how to heal

I stare right at the moonlight, hopeful for a shooting star
It seems you're getting farther, and I'm left with all the scars
We stay closely right on the shore
Yet loving memories turn to a bore

Swaying and swaying, our row boat is sinking
Waiting and waiting, do I stay still or do I swim
I hear the whales calling me, I float towards their sounds
They sing melodies of the past, their themes are so profound


You wait on the shore, dripping wet, I'm stuck between you and nostalgia
Of whale calls repeating what once was, and you proclaiming what will be
Their voices sound like Honey, yours like a bee

I know you're right, I know its wrong, but I want to live in the past tense
before our relationship became tense
lovers to friends, siblings to strangers
We went from content to danger

I wave goodbye, cowardice, I cry knowing that this is all a dream
That you wished me the best, that I stayed in the stream
That you want us close, and I grow even farther
I wish you were closer, and that I was smarter

I stay, whale watching as you fade away
Wondering when it will be the day
We meet again and iron this out
To before things went south

I hope to find you on that same shore
with the same smile
with the same heart

I remember when
You wrote me a poem

I was sitting on the window sill
It was morning
You held out a piece of paper
And you read it out loud
Your voice shaking
With such sincerity
You couldn’t hold it in

I remember the warm sun
that shone onto the city
And the room we were in
that held the words you spoke to me

Everything about that day
Is forever engraved in my memory
And thank god for that

Because I remember the night before
The lamp above the kitchen table
The night we both knew we had
Found each other from another  
Lifetime, in the way our hearts beat together
and our breaths had synched


I wish I still had your poem
Never thought I’d had to think about keeping it
It’s crazy the things pain makes you do
But now that I feel better
I wish I could remember you