#relapse poems on Hello Poetry

Pastell dichter Feb 2016

The threat that I'm gonna relapse is hanging over me
Like a dark cloud
I shiver knowing that I could fall
Off the small ledge I have made myself
At any moment I could take up
The blade that has done so much damage
I'm okay
For now
But will I be a week from today?

I have been clean for three weeks. I hope I can make it longer.

#cutting #depression #dark #relapse #week

Death-throws Feb 2016

How do i get back to that

**** rats and **** boy caps
Gas cans and empty beer cans
No dams in my way
No bills to pay
Just desperate days catching sun rays
Skin decay
Too much play.
I miss the summer months of drug addiction
Planning our lives out like a good fiction
Where the boy gets the girl.
And the premotion
No one told me id have to cross an ocean
Not of water, but sin
Fearfully thin.
Anger took my soul.
Withdrawl has refused to release its hold
Positive actions and negitive reactions
How do i get back to the good old days
Where all i worried about was getting paid
We each had our own way
No fear in the old days
I No longer hold Today

#fear #anxiety #drug #age #relapse

My Shameful Secret Feb 2016

Relapse

Its happening again.
This suffocation
I can't breath.

I need help,
I'm drowning in a sea of depression,
and I can't save myself this time.
I've already given up.

Maybe you should just give up on me,
I'm already a lost cause.
I'm worthless.
Useless

Everyone has a talent in this world,
or so they say.
I must be good at nothing,
because I have no talents.

Jealousy is knocking at my door,
I wish I could do half of the things you could,
but I can't.
I'll never be as gifted,
talented,
smart,
or kind as you are.

When I'm gone, everyone will be sad.
For a couple days, at max.
Then, they'll move on,
they'll for forget about me.
So will you.
That's just the circle of life.

Depression is a constant cycle,
once you think you've escaped,
it drags you back,
so it can torture you even longer.

#suicide #dying #depression #death #anxiety #cycle #relapse #useless #worthless #deb

Dust Bowl Jan 2016

Nightmare Causalities

They say when you go through trauma
It either kills you
Or you forget it.
They don't tell you what to do
when the options blend.
There's no hotline to call
when the memories you've buried
claw their way back up your throat
like the pills that didn't work.
I am a causality of a war I never fought in.

I cut my hair short so I can wash it in the sink,
For the days when my shower turns into a tardis I cannot control,
A time machine with only one date.
I have grown sick of not finding refuge in this time and place.
When I shave my head,
I think of how impossible it is to pull a buzzcut.

I write the date on every piece of paper,
But I don't really live here.
The present is just a hideout from the past,
The future a threat of going back.
I am on the run.
A fugitive of broken memories and stolen hope.

I lock each door in my house
five times
before telling my mom goodnight.
I check underneath my bed,
Move the clothes in my closet
until I'm sure I can see every part of the back wall,
and leave its door open.
I bend my eyes into every corner and hollow spot.
I will not go to sleep.
I will dream myself awake.
I wake up in my bathtub time machine,
Raise my face through the surface of the red water,
My long hair wrapping itself around my throat like promises from a time when I still felt alive.
I will probably scream,
And find myself back in my bed.
My family won't hear a thing.

I know this is a mess, but thats the only way this ever makes sense.

#anxiety #nightmare #family #ptsd #relapse

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Relapse II

I did it again.
I broke my will.
With a broken razor and fallen blades.
Tools to cut leg hair made into small knifes.
Cutting into skin again and again.
Until the blood stops to pool and starts to drip into a river.
Watch it flow, hold a tissue so as not to ruin the rug.
Stained tissue, bright red.
Next to pink skin surrounding puffed, red, marks.
Wipe it up and clean it up.
Make it so I don’t have to go to the Doctor.
Infection, such a needy *****.
All done, but don’t pull out bandaids.
The wrappers will yell the story to mom.
Mom will tell dad, and together they will offer support.
Support from family members who don’t understand.
Who are sad when I need ice to control my urges.
Why would I let them know that it didn’t work?
That in the pretend safety of the bathroom, I went from diving to cutting.
In just a few seconds.

#cutting #depression #suicidal #razor #selfharm #relapse

RisingUp Dec 2015

Swirling

This illness is a monger
Its pain I can take no longer

It almost took my life away
But from now on I'm here to stay

For I will fight its terrible wrath
And continue paving my own path

Because I am stronger than its grip
Its disguised poison I'll no longer sip.

#eating #disorder #strength #anorexia #recovery #relapse

Parker A Blackwood Nov 2015

Shelter

Sitting
Waiting
Watching
The walls melt around me and I am left in its puddle of creamed colors
The floor is weak beneath me and it moans with threatening cries
This room I've built is falling apart
The only shelter around for miles is quickly being reduced to rubble
And all I can do is sit there
Waiting
Watching
For it crumble down once more

#sad #help #relapse #fallingapart #shelter

cf Dec 2015

Please

Please
Tattoo the words
I am not good enough
Into my skin
So I will never trick myself
Into thinking otherwise
Because when I think perhaps
I am
My pride falls out of my chest
And drags on the ground
Leaving behind each broken piece
That I'll never be able to find
To put myself
Back together
So please
Save me the embarrassment
Carve the words into my skin yourself
So I won't have to

#madness #selfharm #relapse

RisingUp Dec 2015

Lure

They whisper in my ear
Preying on a fear

A fear of not measuring up.

Listen to me, they say
Your failures will go away

You'll be special and exalted

They tell me I'll be amazing,
better than my peers
For restriction is an achievement
Regardless of the tears

Hunger is control
Control is the answer
Nobody understands you anyways,
Listen to the internal master

Remember how you hated yourself?
Despised your reflection in the mirror?
At least when you were sad
Your "perfect body" brought you cheer.

Yet despite these promising phrases
I know the impending hazes

So I will fight this easy path
And free myself from this wrath

For I am special in my own right
because I have something to give
I can help others
I choose to live

#eating #disorder #hope #relapse