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Anno Jan 3
The stress made me relapse.
the day after new years eve,
i relapsed.
i broke my four months streak.
It didn't feel bad, or disappointing.
i didn't even feel guilt.
now I feel guilty for not feeling guilt.
But it was so good.
I relapsed two days into 2025.
and I knew it was coming.
having never been clean for that long before,
i knew I would come back to it.
it's my safe place, the pain, the punishment.

I want to get worse and to f*ck myself up and I want people to not know about anything until it's too late, until I am done, until it's over.
I don't think this is even a poem, it's just me ranting about my silly little problems. Can't wait until school starts in a few days and it'll get worse!
Nobody Nov 2024
Slice
Slice
Slice
I told myself i wasnt addicted
Cut
Cut
Cut
I was doing so well
Scrape
Scrape
Scrape
Got in a fight with my friend
Bleed
Bleed
Bleed
Why do I do this to myself...

Blood bleeds through my jeans
Red blotches, displaying my shame
My pain
Yet they still believe me when i say im ok
I got in a fight with my friend. She and i had a lot of rough patches through the last couple years. I admitted to her i made some mistakes but she refuses to recognize that she literally left me with trauma and says that i was just being a *******. She refuses to see my side of the story. We just finished the fight over text and i got the urge to... yeah. I was clean for 5 days. Haha thats a personal record for me since august. How dumb of me to think that i could go a week without it. Am i the problem??? Did i make the mistake??? Also for context this isn't what i meant by my main trauma source, just part of it. Not ready to talk about the other part yet
Kayla S Nov 2024
8 months clean, relapsing would be collapsing.  

A locked bathroom door, the voices yelling - no, screaming.
I hear my mother running up the stairs, the pounding of her footsteps mimics the pounding inside my head, it's war.

I can feel blood dripping down onto the rest of my body.
The tears stream down my face as I try to let my head create a feeling of melancholy

There's sirens outside now, I know they're for me. You can see the neon purple lights from the window. I'm just waiting, waiting for death to set me free.

On the stretcher with gauze covering up the masterpiece I made to what use to be pristine skin, I close my eyes, reminding myself to stay awake. my hope stretching thin.

The voices of my neighbors, overcome the sounds of mom's sobs. I wish my own mind didn't lock me chambers.
It's my first poem on here and really just me testing my creativity with my own life experiences. I hope whoever sees this likes it! <3
Rose Oct 2024
It feels all too familiar,
this emptiness in my chest,
No, no, no-not again,
please let my heart rest.

I fought so hard,
to leave that dark hole,
now I'm falling back in-
how do I save my soul?

I can't do this again,
I'm so scared.
I can't go back...
I almost died there.
welp
Elena Sep 2024
Reach the goal
Cold hands hold me
Bony hands hold me
Freezing from your hugs
Stomach hurts - just for fun
Eyes are dull
Brain is foggy
Numbers keep falling
Reimers Jun 2024
Here again, it’s all so familiar,
The empty space I carved for myself,
A void that brings me solace,
Far from the world's embrace.

This time, I entered willingly,
Unlike before, when ignorance guided me.
It’s different now; I can choose to leave,
Yet in this toxic, dreadful silence, I find comfort.

No longer weeping in the corner,
Everything shifts, but the feeling persists,
The heaviness in my chest—
As if the rain never ceased.

Bloodstained puddles on the floor,
Grim reminders of past hardships.
Each reflection a testament,
To all I've survived.

Maybe I’ll linger a bit longer,
Wandering endlessly through this void.
I’ll escape eventually, won’t I?
I can get out… right? Someone... please...
tierney morris Aug 2023
The smell of a cigarette will always bring me comfort
And soon enough
That taste that entered my lips
Bought me comfort too
The melancholy feeling of inhaling that smoke
Exhaling it slowly
As if it’s an unhealthy breathing technique I need when I’m panicking
Breathe in, Breathe out
The sadistic flavour lingers in your mouth for hours
Reminding you of your relapse
Your mistakes
Reminding you that he will no longer love you if he smells the cancerous aroma on your breath
You ******* up
No matter how much it helps to inhale and exhale that smoke
Taste that bitter flavour of tobacco
Breathe in, Breathe out
You quit once before to improve your health
But here you are
Breathing it in and out
Until the guilt eats you alive
And that smell of cigarette
No longer reminds you of a simpler time
But rather that you’re forever going to disappoint those you love
The light on the cigarette goes out
Just like the light inside of you
You’re both dead
And soon
You’ll be discarded too.
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